


The Lonely Thorn

by xSmallTownGirlx



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Actors, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, F/M, Friends to Lovers, Hurt/Comfort, Romance, Sexual Content, Slow Build, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-09-05
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-04-19 06:07:53
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 16
Words: 60,419
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4735325
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/xSmallTownGirlx/pseuds/xSmallTownGirlx
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Emma Swan is a young, talented actress. With her new film "The Lonely Thorn" she wants to achieve her breakthrough. On the side of the handsome, charming actor Killian Jones.<br/>Killian is successful, popular, talented and because one hardly knows anything about his private life, the more fascinating.<br/>No young woman in the world could resist him for a Long time and neither does Emma. The whole thing has only one hitch. He is happily married.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Experiences are Experiences

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Just the Story plot is mine.

**Chapter 1: Experiences are Experiences.**

"Thank you for coming!"

"Of course, it was fun." Replied Killian. The audience applauded as he went backstage again. The small microphone that was on his shirt was taken off and two meters away was his manager with a bottle of water in his hands. "Well done, Killian."

He thrust the bottle into Killian's hand and pulled him into the small wardrobe. "Our schedule is very tight, we exactly half an hour until you need to be at the airport. In one hour, you have to be on the plane and land in Chicago in exactly 3 hours and 45 minutes. "

Killian took a big gulp from the bottle of water.

"Once you have landed, somebody will drive you to the Ritz-Carlton Hotel in Chicago. The ride to the hotel will take about 40 minutes. Then there is a small meeting with the actors, directors, producers and so on. Then you'll probably go to your suite and tomorrow the shooting will start. "

He nodded. Sometimes he hated all the stress, which contradicts itself because he loved his job.

He put on comfortable clothes and got into the car that would take him to the airport. He checked his social media sites, but precaution tweeted not,that he was on his way to the airport.

He loved his fans, but he was under time pressure and only had little time for them.

During the drive, he looked out the window and listened to music.

After he arrived at the airport, he took his bags, went to the check-in and booked his luggage. The woman who sat behind the airport desk smiled friendly.

"Be careful with that!" He said as his guitar was received. He went nowhere without his guitar. Unfortunately, he barely had time to play it because most of the time, he was shooting movies, gave interviews or did photo shoots.

Some fans asked him for autographs or photos, which he did not refuse. With others, he just talked briefly. The last minutes before the flight, he spent writing with his wife.

He had met Milah during his youth. He was nineteen when the two became a couple and now they are almost ten Years Together. The two were married after four years of relationship. He was 23 and in the opinion of his parents, he was too young to marry. But he wanted it that way, and as anyone can see it has worked.

Nothing could have stopped him from marrying her. And he was happy. Everyone he knew loved her. His friends, his family, and even his fans.

For him there was nothing better than to spend his life with her. A few months ago, they had decided to start trying for a baby. It was not as if they didn't think about that before, but they were not ready. Now they are. They tried again and again, but unfortunately without success.

He desperately wanted children, maybe two or three. He was in the prime of life for it. Killian has always been a family man. He had a relatively large family. He had many relatives and many friends, that he could also count on his family.

He loved his family. His parents are a couple for 41 years, 36 of them, married. They were his role model. He, too, wanted such a life as they have it.

His brother Liam was six years older than he. He had met Killian's sister in law and his wife Claire in college. Now they were expecting their first child. In less than four months he would be an uncle.

For the next few months, he would probably have to put the baby planning aside.

With an "I love you" he ended the chat with his wife.

The plane was ready and he could finally enter. The stewardesses greeted him and he sat down on his seat in business class.

While the plane took off, he looked out of the small window and watched as everything was getting smaller. When it was too boring, he searched his script in his hand luggage. He read a few lines again or took notes in the margin.

Shortly thereafter, he was interrupted by one of the stewardesses who asked him if he would like anything to drink something. Killian chose a coffee and then continued to read his script and other notes, that came from his management.

Emma Swan would play the female lead in the movie . He didn't have heard much from her, from time to time he had read her name, but that interested him rather less.

The stewardess brought his coffee and he thanked her politely.

This Emma was young and wanted to get to the top, like most. He caught up a little bit about her. He looked at pictures and one or two interviews. Killian didn't know anyone who doesn't do that, eventually, he had to know with whom he'd have to work the next few weeks.

She was sweet. Long blonde hair, beautiful green eyes, she was tall and slender. A pretty girl. Killian was sure that many boys out there admired her.

Even on her interviews was nothing to complain. She was not rude, but a bit aloof, she smiled and laughed a lot and answered every question that was asked her adequately.

But she was a little doll, always well styled, she looked perfect in each picture he saw. Not a single scandal he could find about her.

In her filmography was not much. She had appeared in one or two television series and had a small role in a movie. If she was like everyone says really talented and she would be passionate about her job, then their joint film, would be Emma's breakthrough.

But even if she was talented. He was looking forward to working with someone who was still new to the business. Maybe he could help her.

Killian prayed that she would not be a stupid cow, but simply a nice, young girl that wants to be an actress.

He would be surprised and be unbiased. Just because she looked like a doll, did not mean that she was one. About Miss Swan's private life was not much known.

* * *

When he landed in Chicago, a lot of fans and a lot of paparazzi were at the airport. He tried to give as many autographs and to make as many photos with his fans before it was too much to him. He had his bag and his hand luggage in one hand and his bag with the guitar in the other hand.

The paparazzi took pictures until he got into the black car that would take him to the hotel.

Arrived at the hotel, his bags were received and he was greeted by the producers and the director, who were waiting for him.

"Mr. Jones, I hope you had a pleasant journey?"

"It was a little stressful, but otherwise everything was great, Mr. Clarke."

"We would now like to make a preliminary meeting with you before Mrs. Swan arrives. Is that okay ? "

"Yeah sure." He said, smiling. The truth is, that he was tired and exhausted. He wanted nothing more than to sleep. But that was not going to happen at this moment.

They talked about the character he was playing. They had already done it at the casting, but now new opinions were there. How Killian would play his character in a given situation, how he would feel about it and how he can implement these scenes.

Killian would have no problems, he was able to empathize with other situations and reflect the feelings.

After they had discussed it, Emma came in.

They introduced each other briefly and then spoke again about the ideas of the producer and the director. Just like with Killian, they discussed different situations of her character with Emma.

As she spoke, she sometimes waved her hands around or brushed a strand of her hair behind her ear.

She often smiled, but then he saw how concentrated she really was.

After The meeting (That felt like hours) was over, their rooms were shown them. Or rather suites.

Killian did not know whether Emma's Suite was exactly like his, because she got hers earlier than he.

The suite both got was the Ambassador suite overlooking Lake Michigan. From the 30th floor, he had a pretty good view.

His bags were already in the living room of the suite. The woman who had accompanied him, told him, that he just needs to call in the hotel lobby if he needs anything.

He nodded and thanked her, then he fell onto the sofa. He stretched out his legs and yawned.

So this would be his home for the next two and a half months.

When he found the remote control, of the flat screen TV. he changed the channel and stopped when a film, which looked somewhat interesting.

He was so engrossed in the movie that he did not notice the first knock on the door of his suite. Only the second time, this time, louder, he was pulled out of the world of the action movie.

With difficulty he stood up from the sofa "Bloody Hell." He sighed.

He looked through the small peephole and opened the door. As he had already found out five seconds before, it was Emma Swan.

"Excuse me, I did not want to bother, but I thought maybe we should practice our Text together so we get to know each other. Only if this is okay for you, Mr. Jones. "A bit embarrassed, she looked at the floor or her feet. Killian could not tell.

He did not know why, but he thought it was kinda cute. "Call me Killian, please." He said and she looked back to his face. He took a step aside so she could enter his suite without problems. "Come in."

With her script and her phone in hand, she walked into his suite. "Please. Make yourself comfortable. "Said Killian afterward as he closed the door. With a gesture, he pointed to the sofa, where he had just sat. The TV was on, and across the screen flickered the film he watched.

"I really don't want to disturb, Mr. Jones..Ehm I mean Killian. This idea just came into my mind and I thought since we start shooting tomorrow. "

"You don't disturb. It is a good idea, so we get to know each other. "

Together they went through their texts, they asked each other questions and told a little about themselves. He was able to work well with Emma, Despite her young age, she was very adult. She doesn't behave like a teenager, but like an adult and professional, but not strict or rigid. She was casual and sweet, very charming. The two hit it off right away well.

* * *

Emma’s POV

Killian was very charming and funny. A little dork, who made everyone on set laugh. He always had new ideas how he could prank the employees.

There was no day on which he pranked nobody. It was fun to work with him.

The first day of shooting was a bit strange, unfamiliar. The atmosphere was a little tense, but that faded after the first few hours.

In general, the Movie had a great cast and a great crew. They got along very well, the people on the set were friendly and helpful and Emma thought it was nice to see that so many stuck in their whole energy.

Today they would shoot the first kissing scene. It would be just one of many. She had so far only one kiss in a Movie and that was a short kiss and no making out.

The scene was shot outdoors on a bridge. Right now she was sitting in the trailer for makeup. After the makeup was finished, she went on to the trailer with the costumes. She would wear a casual summer dress with a denim jacket and Chucks.

Her hair had been smoothed out and her makeup was discreet.

On the way to set, she was still reading through her text. Surely she would have a dropout and forget her lines.

Everything was constructed, all the cameras, the light, the location was closed to the public mostly.

The producers were on location and also the director, August Booth. August was still relatively young but as a director unbelievable in demand.

Killian stood beside Andy (one of the producers) who gave him some instructions.

Everything went quickly then. They went on position, her hair and makeup were checked one more time, then one of the sound men came with the microphone, that would be over their heads all the time.

She smiled and he smiled back at Killian "Are you okay?" He asked.

Emma nodded "Yes, I'm good."

"Don't be nervous."

"I'm not."

He gave her a knowing look and she felt the heat rose in her cheeks

"All set?" Andy yelled.

The Clapperboard was used and everyone on set was quiet. Everyone was waiting for a sign that August would give.

"And action!" August said behind his small monitor on which he could watch everything.

Killian was immediately in his role. He began with his text, now she was ready too and Emma spoke her lines. Their roles were in the discussion. She turned and walked two steps away before Killian grabbed her left forearm and pulled her against his chest. Her hands lay on his chest, her body was pressed against his. They stared into each other's eyes "We can't do that." She whispered like it was specified in her script. But at one time, Emma was no longer sure, if they were acting, or whether it was real.

Killian cocked his head to the left and kissed her. Both her role, as well as Emma herself were totally overwhelmed. It took her a few seconds until she could react.

The kiss was passionate and fiery and somehow she forgot everything around them.

He pulled her even closer and Emma's hands slid from his chest to his neck where she buried themselves in his dark hair.

His hands rested on her hips until he played with her long, blond hair. It felt like an eternity and she was slightly confused when August shouted "Cutting!".

Killian broke away from her, he took a step back and looked at her. "Was I too rough when I pulled you back?"

What? Oh, he talked about the scene, "No, you weren't."

"OK good. I thought so because you seemed so surprised. "

Somewhat embarrassed she laughed "Really?"

Gina from the makeup team came and straightened her hair and fixed her makeup.

"Again!" August said "Killian, pull her even closer to you. Otherwise, it was pretty good. "

The whole situation went all over again. They went on position and Killian began his text, then she spoke hers, turned and tried to run away. Like before, Killian grabbed her arm and pulled her back against him.

This time, she was prepared for the kiss. And if she was honest, she enjoyed it. She was lucky to kiss such a handsome man.

"Cut!" August shouted again and Killian stepped away "The kiss could be a little more passionate."

They had to repeat the scene at least 10 times until August finally was satisfied.

* * *

The same evening, the actors were going out together. Seven of them were sitting in a restaurant in town and ate dinner together. They laughed and had fun, everyone told stories of things he had already experienced.

From time to time fans came and wanted to take pictures. It was a relaxed evening, an evening with friends and colleagues.

They didn't stay too long, just a few hours. A few hours away from the hotel, away from the set, away from the script, away from work. Just relax and enjoy.

* * *

Over the next few days, and Emma Killian grew closer. They were friends, they understood very well and Emma enjoyed Killian's presence. From time to time he was very thoughtful and very secluded. He was more and more often in thoughts.

Something seemed to depress him. His cell phone rang often and he had long conversations.

Emma then tried to distract him. By talking to him about stuff he liked, for example, about his passion for sailing or music. Mostly seemed to distract him and sometimes he even smiled.

More and more often, they spent the shooting breaks together. They discovered the places where they were shooting or just played basketball on a basketball court nearby with the other actors.

Killian was really athletic. Apparently, he liked to play basketball with the others or to prank one another.

He particularly liked that. He was a real Prankster on set. No one was safe from his pranks. He made everyone laugh.

* * *

"Do you want to go out tonight?" Asked Mary Margaret, who played her best friend in the movie.

"No, I can't. I have to prepare for tomorrow. " A few days after the first kiss scene, Emma had to face a new challenge now.

A sex scene. Tomorrow it would be shot. With the kiss scenes, she was now somewhat familiar, but she had never done a sex scene.

She tried for days, to mentally prepare for it and actually she had no idea what she was afraid of. It was just a scene, a scene like any other scene.

Except for the small aspect, that she and Killian might would be almost naked and at least 10 people are standing around them while they are kissing passionately, touching each other and making weird noises. And it would not be over fast. It would take all day to shoot this scene.

Why couldn't they start with a making out scene?

Emma shook her head and gave Mary Margaret a smile.

"You are not worried about tomorrow right?" She asked.

"Maybe a little." Emma confessed.

Her fellow actress came up to her and hugged her "You don't need to worry. I mean, I also was afraid of my first sex scene, but hey, it's not as bad as you might think now. Of course, the atmosphere is a little embarrassing, but just make the best out of it. "

"I'll try."

"You can always talk with me. Or with Andy or August and for God's sake even with Killian. "

Emma blushed "Okay."

"And now you should reading a good book or you watch a good movie and stop thinking about it."

Mary Margaret stroked over Emma’s hair "And then you go to bed early because tomorrow is going to be exhausting. Both, physically and mentally. "She said with a wink.

"Yes, Mom," Emma answered, smiling.

* * *

And Emma did what Mary Margaret had said. She watched television, then changed into her pajamas and read a nice book.

At 9:30 Emma put the book aside and snuggled under the blanket. It would go according to plan tomorrow. Everything would be all right.

After she had tried to convince herself, that everything would be fine, she gave up. Tomorrow would probably be a disaster, she would embarrass herself terribly, but even if _experiences are experiences_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I really hope you liked it. I'm so sorry if there are any Kind of mistakes in it. I hope you can forgive me.
> 
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts!
> 
> I'm still working on the next chapter of "Memory of Reality", but unfortunately I'm a bit uninspired at the Moment.
> 
> Thanks for reading. Feel free to tell me if I should continue :) I appreciate any Kind of Support, so thanks!


	2. So far, so good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Disclaimer: I don't own the characters. Just the Story plot is mine.

**Chapter 2: So far, so good.**

The alarm went off way too early, it was eight o'clock, but Emma could have slept for hours. She took her phone, that lay on the small bedside table beside her and checked her Twitter page. She had an incredible number of notifications, most of them by her fans.

She scrolled down and read a few of the messages. Then she tweeted: Good morning! I hope you all have a wonderful day! behind it, she put some smileys and the hashtag Work is waiting.

The display went black again, as Emma put it aside. Somewhat involuntarily she kicked the blanket aside and slipped out of the warm bed. The curtains in front of the large windows could be easily pushed to the side and she enjoyed the view of Lake Michigan, that she loved so much.

In the small kitchen of the suite, she made herself a cappuccino and took a look into the small fridge.

Without continued to think she mixed the ingredients for pancakes together and then made herself some. Emma loved pancakes.

After that, she cleared the used dishes in the dishwasher and took fresh clothes out of the walk-in closet next to the bedroom.

Black underwear, a pair of jeans and a black top. She would spend most of the time tonight half-naked anyway. Emma banished that thought quickly and then went into the large marble bathroom.

While she washed her hands, she went through the things that she has to do. definitely, shaving her legs again. She brushed her teeth thoroughly and then got dressed.

Now she had enough time to spend the day. She had to be on set at 8 pm. The scene would take place as follows: Their characters had been on a date. After that, they went to his place and had incredibly passionate sex. So far so good.

She spent the day totally relaxed, she watched her favorite TV series, tried to answer as many questions as possible on Twitter. She read the current process again. At 9 pm they would start shooting. How long was not on the list, it was only an approximate time and that was 3 in the morning. Great.

After a brief boredom, Emma decided to bring her body into shape for a bit and put on her sportswear. It probably wouldn't change, how her body looked like, but at least she would feel better.

With the elevator, she went into the floor, in which was the gym. She thought for a moment and then decided to start with the treadmill.

The time flew by rather quickly and after a total of one and a half hours, she had no motivation left. She ran out of steam, she was sweating and she was tired.

Back in her suite, she took her clothes and re-entered the large marble bathroom. Emma undressed and then hopped under the warm water jet of the shower.

In the shower, she lathered her body, and her hair and the water rinsed it off.

She wrapped the big white towel around her body and then reached for her ladies shaver and shaved her legs. Emma did it carefully to miss no spot on her soft skin. When she was convinced, she toweled off and put on some lotion. It was her favorite one, it smelled like lemon.

She slipped into her black panties and then put on the matching bra too. She reached to where the hair dryer lay and turned it on. The warm air dried her hair quickly and as the rest of the body lotion was dry, she put on the rest of her clothes. A jeans and a black top.

It was a quarter of eight when she went into the bedroom and searched for the purse that she would take with her to the set.

She grabbed her fully charged phone and threw it in the purse. Then she took another look if everything important was still in it. Her script lay in it, beside her little make-up bag, the book that she had begun reading last night, chewing gum, deodorant and some hair bands.

Emma hoped she had not forgotten anything. She took the black purse, slipped into her shoes, pulled over a thin jacket and took the key card for the suite.

Downstairs in the lobby, she met Mary Margaret. Today most of the actors had a day off since actually only Emma and Killian are needed.

Mary Margaret hugged her "Ready?"

Emma gave her a doubtful look to "Do I look like I am?"

"It will be alright. You will see."

Emma could only hope that she was right.

"Everything shaved?" Asked Mary Margaret some time on the way out.

"What?"

The cheeks of her friend were turning pink, "Well, you know." She whispered "Private parts and so."

Now Emma's cheeks turned pink too "Uhm. Yes?"

"Well then nothing can go wrong, but Do not worry, that's not important. One will not see anything anyway. I have to go now, but I wish you the best of luck. " The long embrace didn't help. "And remember whenever you feel uncomfortable, tell someone."

Emma faked a laugh "So during the whole scene?"

"Very funny."

She waved to Mary Margaret, as she got into the car, she would take her to the set. Emma was not sure if they would wait for Killian or not, but as the car drove off after she fastened her seat belt, she knew the answer.

Mary Margaret and a couple of other actors would go out tonight,while she and Killian would work.

The way to set would only take about 10 minutes, but it felt like an eternity for Emma. All the while, she was worried about what was about to happen or could happen. She would actually simulate sex.

The whole world would be able to see it soon. Her mother would see it and her friends. Embarrassed and insecure, she chewed on her lower lip. This habit she always had as a young girl, it stopped as she grew older. But sometimes, if she was really, really nervous, she caught herself doing it.

Emma felt her hands shaking and her heart began to race. That would never go well. She rummaged in her purse for her phone. Now she needed words of encouragement, support and a little motherly advice.

She was looking for the right number, holding her cell phone to her right ear.

unsettled She waited for her mother to answer. Please let her answer.

"Hello?" Rang the soft voice of her mother.

"Hey, Mom."

"Emma," Her mother sounded surprised. "I thought you were filming."

Emma let go of her lip "I'm just on the way to the set."

"Is everything OK? You sound somehow absent. "

"I just need a little distraction and motherly advice."

"Of course, my darling. How can I help?"

For a few seconds Emma was silent "It's about the scene which I will film today. And probably will film at least another time. "

Her mother remained silent and Emma knew she would have to give her more information. "I'm a bit insecure because this scene is a sex scene."

"Oh." She heard her mother. "Are you afraid?"

"That's just it, I do not know. But I do think so. "

"Oh my dear, it is determined to be all right. What are you afraid of?"

"I don't know, probably, that I'm going to be half naked and I have to pretend sex, while other people are watching. And that I'm going to embarrass myself terribly. "

"Angel, it is quite normal that you're worried. If you weren't afraid, then that would not be normal. And besides, it's your first sex scene, don't beat yourself up. I am sure that you will master it marvelously. "

"I don't even know what's about to happen, Mom."

"Exactly."

"What if they want him to touch me?"

Ingrid laughed "He will definitely touch you, my angel. But if you feel uncomfortable, tell him. Or is the man, who you work with a total ass? "

Emma shook her head until she noticed that her mother cannot see it "No, he's not. Killian is very nice. "

"Well then, I'm sure that he or the director wouldn't do anything that you don't want, Emma."

"But it's so unfamiliar."

"That was it before your first kiss with him too, or not?"

"Yes."

"Of course it is unfamiliar. Because you have never done it, because it is new for you and that's why I think everyone will be very considerate on the set. "

"But I have to pretend it, Mama. That won't be easy and I don't know if I can do it. "

Her mother laughed softly "If it was easy, then everyone would do it. And if it was easy, then no one would feel uncomfortable. "

"You're right."

"Look at it as a challenge. As a test. And if you have it done it, then you may be more than proud of yourself. I believe in you."

The car stopped and Emma unbuckled herself "I love you, Mom. I'll call you later again. Bye."

"I love you too, Emma. I'm so proud of you."

She pressed the red button and put her phone back into her Little purse, then she opened the door and walked over to the set.

* * *

Today they would film in, what is the home of Killian's role. She went through the large doors, directly to the room where the mask was.

Along the way, she met Andy, who waved to her. She glanced into the bedroom, where they would shoot the scene. Everything was already set up.

"Emma!" She turned around and discovered August.

"Hey." She said.

"Can you go into the make-up room? Gina will be there and do your make-up. I will also come to you again, and have a little conversation with you. "

She nodded, "Okay." A little conversation? Now the uncertainty grew.

In the make-up room, she was greeted with a hug by Gina. She pointed to the chair in front of her and Emma sat down.

The makeup artist, began to apply the face moisturizer. Emma greeted another artist, who also worked on the set.

"Scared?" Gina asked as she applied a thin layer of concealer under Emma's eyes

"Yeah." Emma laughed. And held out her hand, which was shaking.

Gina and the other artist named Sarah, who had sat down on the empty chair next to her, laughed easily.

"Don't worry." Said Sarah, who watched Gina doing her work. "You're not the first who's doing it."

"She's right." Agreed Gina, who was now applying foundation.

"I think it would be weird." Stated Sarah firmly, then she looked at Emma.

"Not only you." Replied Emma.

"Well, I go drink a coffee." Sarah stood up and left the room.

Gina applied some eyeshadow and eyeliner, then added a little blush and mascara. The whole was fixed with powder.

"Your makeup is done, sweety."

"Hey." She heard a voice say from the left and she turned around. It was Killian. He had a smile on his face but did not seem quite as relaxed as usually.

"Hey." Emma said, standing up to hug him.

"Everything all right?" He asked.

"Yes and with you?"

"At best. Say have you seen Andy? He wanted to talk to me about 20 minutes ago, but I can't find him." He laughed.

"I haven't seen him."

"Well then I'll keep looking. See you later"

"See you later."

* * *

The hair stylist went on with her hair. She made in a few curls and he fixed it with a little Hairspray. Then she left the room when August came in.

August sat on the chair next to her and looked at her, "I just wanted to talk to you about what is going to happen."

Oh God.

"I know it's your first sex scene, so I'm not going to plunge you in at the deep end. It's probably going to be a bit embarrassing and unfamiliar to you, but I'm sure you can handle it. Here is how we are going to do it, all of us who are not needed, so that they would just stand around and watch, leave the room as long as we are shooting. Only when I say cut and you two are wearing your bathrobes again, they may come in again. We will all film simultaneously with two cameras, so you do not have to repeat it a hundred times. But it will, of course, have to be filmed several times. "

Emma listened to him, nodding.

"I will give you some instructions, but I'm positive, that you two can manage it alone. I also have trust, that if you don't want anything or you feel uncomfortable, that you tell me. Then we will figure out, how we can do it differently without that you have to feel uncomfortable. It is so that these scenes have to be filmed, so we all try to do it as pleasant as possible. So if anything should be wrong, please do not ignore it, okay? "

"Okay."

"Good. Then I would say, are you going now into the dressing room and I'll see you later on the set. "

She went to Gina to say goodbye. Then she went into the next room where the clothes were.

In the dressing room, she first got black underwear. The panties were simple black and had a small front loop. The bra was a bit more work, it was also black, but covered with lace and also had a small loop.

Before she put on the bra, little pasties were pasted over her nipples. Emma was not ashamed of her body, she was not a supermodel, but she was more than satisfied.

She put on the bra and then got the dress she would wear at the beginning of the scene (Before Killian would tear it off her body).

When she was finished, she went into the bedroom, where she met Killian again. He was wearing a black shirt and jeans.

"Okay. Everyone ready?" Asked August, who stood behind his small monitor. The room was dim, because of the dusk.

"Killian? You know what to do. You're pressing her against the wall behind her and kisses her passionately. Emma, you slide your hand under his shirt and then take it off.

Killian then opens the zipper of the dress and take it off. "

Emma stood with her back to the wall. Only waiting that August would yell "action". Each of the crew went where they had to be. Everyone else left the room. "Camera! Sound! And action!" August yelled.

Without any warning Emma was pressed against the wall by Killian. Then he crashed his lips to hers. She reacted pretty fast and a few seconds later, the kiss was extremely heated.

She closed her eyes to forget anything around them. When he ran his tongue over her lower lip, she let out a small moan. Emma thought it was the right moment to take her hands from his neck,slide them down his chest to his lower abdomen, where she slid her hands under his shirt. She stroked his skin and then slid back up to his chest. For a brief moment, her fingers buried themselves in his chest hair.

Emma felt his hands roam from her hip to her her back. Without even thinking another moment, she pulled his shirt up and threw it, when it was taken off, on the ground.

She felt and heard how the zipper of the dress was pulled down jerkily. His hands slid under the fabric of the dress and over the skin on her back. Killian pulled his hands away again and let them wander forward to her stomach and then further down to her thighs.

He let them slip under the thin fabric and then pushed it so far up, that her legs and black panties were visible. Again, she moaned softly, the moan was half real and half fake.

He pushed the fabric up and up, but Emma eventually no longer knew what to do with her hands. All the while she stroked his upper body, his neck, his shoulders.

"Open his belt." She heard August say. A little irritated, she opened her eyes, but tried not to look confused.

Killian's hands moved lightly over her stomach and she pulled away from the kiss and looked at him. Both were breathing heavily. Emma looked him in the eyes while her hands slipped to his belt and opened it, slowly.

Hastily Killian pulled the dress over her head and threw it to the ground, next to his shirt.

"And cut!"

The two of them stopped and Killian took a few steps to the side. Two assistants brought them a bathrobe.

Emma pulled it over and closed it immediately. She looked over to August, who was talking to Andy.

"Okay Guys. I don't know what the others think, but I'm perfectly happy with what we have. I think we don't need to shoot this scene again. "

Emma sighed with relief.

"We continue exactly where we left off. Killian, you lift her up and carry her over to the bed. Then you put her down and then crawl to her. "

 _So far, so good._ But until now, she didn't have to simulate sex. The persons that are not needed during the scenes left the set again.

Emma and Killian went back to position and Emma took off the bathrobe. She handed it to the assistant, who had also brought it.

"Emma, don't be confused if I speak during the scene. I try to avoid it, though so that you two aren't disturbed, but sometimes I can't help it. My voice is excised later anyway. "

Emma nodded and took a deep breath. Killian smiled slightly, "Are you okay?"

"Yes, everything's fine."

Now he nodded too and came closer to her. "Ready? Camera! Sound! And action! " Yelled August and Killian pressed her back against the wall, where he started to kiss her again.

She ran her hands over his chest and neck and was slightly surprised, when he lifted her up.

Her legs wrapped around his torso and her hands buried themselves in his hair. Carefully, he carried her over to the bed. The clatter of the buckle of his belt could be heard.

At the edge of the bed, he leaned forward and carefully, laid her on the blanket on the bed. For a short time, he stopped kissing her.

Her head lay sideways on one of the pillows and he crawled over to her and pressed his lips back on hers.

"That's good, carry on." She heard August.

Killian pressed light kisses on her neck and her collarbone and Emma undid the button of his jeans.

After the button was opened, she tried jerky to pull the zipper down. Even after three attempts it still did not work, and Emma became uneasy. Was she already too stupid to open a damn zipper?

She tried to open it slowly, but even that did not work out. Her hands began to shake and she blushed. She could feel the heat rising in her cheeks and tears in her eyes. Soon she would cry. No! she exhorted herself. You will not cry here now.

Killian stopped and when he saw the embarrassment and the panic in her eyes, he gently stroked her cheek with his fingers. He knelt and tried to open the zipper himself, but it didn't work out.

He tried it again and again. Times jerky, sometimes slow and when it didn't work, he stopped and began to laugh.

"We can't open the zipper," Killian said to August, laughing. Emma's face was still red. Her hands were still shaking and she still felt like crying, but as she looked around and noticed, that most of the crew was laughing, or at least grinning, she laughed too.

"Cut!" Said August loud. Killian backed away and gave her the space she needed to sit up and put the robe back on.

She just lay there, put her hands over her eyes and laughed. Now really everyone was laughing.

That was awkward.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! I really hope you liked it.
> 
> All the mistakes in it are mine, so I'm sorry. I hope you'll forgive me :)
> 
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts. I really appreciate different opinions ;)
> 
> Thanks for the reviewers Jen and andypandy .
> 
> Also thanks for the other Support like kudos :)
> 
> I really appreciate it.
> 
> xSmallTownGirlx


	3. Something Intimate

**Chapter 3: something intimate**

Emma waited until the zipper problem was solved. It had taken some time before somebody was able to open the zipper, but eventually, it worked.

She had to wait a few minutes until they could start to shoot again because the whole crew could not stop laughing.

A few minutes later, she was still embarrassed, but she tried to cover it up.

"Okay. If everyone would please calm down. " Said Andy after a while "Guys, we really have to continue, unless you want to work until 5 in the morning. "

Gradually it became quiet again and Gina and Sarah got there to fix her hair and makeup. Everyone went back to position and Emma waited for August's instructions. She could only hope that the zipper would now function properly.

"All set? Camera! Sound! And action!"

They continued exactly where they had stopped. While Killian placed little kisses on her collarbone, Emma unzipped his jeans jerkily. This time, everything went as planned.

Just as August has instructed her, she ran her fingers over the skin on his lower abdomen and then pushed the jeans slowly down.

He stood up to take off his pants but didn't let her out of sight. When he was back, hovering over her, he flipped them around suddenly, so Emma was on top now. She felt a little uncomfortable, as she straddled him.

Should she interrupt the scene and tell someone? 'Don't be pathetic! ' Said a little voice in her head 'As if you never sat on a semi-naked man!' This thought made her blush easily. A few years ago, she had a boyfriend.

Before she became famous, the two were a couple. But, as her mother had always said, it turned out that Neal Cassidy was a total ass.

They had met when Emma was sixteen years old. She was young and naive, actually thought that Neal would be her true love, but the reality was different. He almost sent her to jail, for a crime that he had committed.

She was caught by how she picked up stolen watches, that her ex-boyfriend had stolen, and he just kept quiet. He did not say anything until by chance came out that he was the culprit and had Emma had nothing to do with the whole thing.

Her mother never liked Neal, she has let her feel every day anew, that Meal was definitely not the right one for her. Emma had ignored her warnings that time. A damn huge mistake.

She felt Killian's hands on her back. They slipped up and up until he reached the fabric of the black lace bra.

"Unhook it." August Directed. Killian's hands moved gently over the buckle of her bra, while he looked at Emma to make sure, that it was okay for her.

Emma did not stop as he undid the bra. She just felt how the slight pressure on her back disappeared and how the straps hung from her shoulders.

She exhaled audibly and brushed the straps from her shoulders. After that, she just waited until the bra fell off and landed on Killian's abdomen in front of her.

At this moment she hoped nothing more than, that nobody could see her breasts.

She held her arms so that no one could see them from the side, where a camera was. The only one with full view of them was Killian.

"Cut!" Emma flinched slightly when she heard August's voice. The assistant brought her bathrobe, she immediately pulled it over.

"Okay. That was quite good. Killian? I want you to flip you around again so that she is lying on her back and we need the blanket. "

When August had finished his instructions, Killian lay down again, and Emma straddled him like she did before. She opened the strap that held her robe together and then slipped it off slowly. After August had given the signal to film, Killian flipped them again.

He tried to pull the blanket over them somehow, without that it looked totally stupid. As he did so,his muscles tensed and Emma could not help but stare at him.

The dark blue blanket now covered his and her body to the point where his lower back was.

"And cut!"

As every time August called cut, Killian backed away from her. Although it perhaps sounded a bit odd, but Emma always knew it immediately. Not because she saw how he was moving away from her, but because she felt it. Each time she missed the warmth of his body.

She pulled the blanket so far up, that her breasts were covered completely by the blue fabric.

"Well, Emma. It might get a bit more unpleasant for you now, "

Okay. Now they would start.

"If something is wrong, just tell me. But you two can put your pants back on. No One will see them anyway if you're halfway under the blanket. It may be possible, that you need to take it off again. "

Emma could do nothing but nod.

Less than 5 minutes later, both were back to position. The only difference was that both now wore a pair of jeans.

"Guys, we shoot this scene and then we make a break."

She was sure that she could hear a sigh of relief, from some members of the film crew. How long they shoot actually already? One hour? Or two? Any time feeling was gone.

"Everyone ready? Sound! Camera! And action! "

Killian pressed his lips to hers. They were hot and soft and slightly swollen from all the kissing before. With his hands, he braced himself next to Emma.

"Pull the blanket back down." She heard August.

Killian pulled the blanket with his left hand slowly of her breasts. It was always ensured that Killian's arms or his body covered the majority of them. As he pulled the blanket down, his hand brushed accidentally her breast. Emma immediately got goosebumps, like never before.

She moved slightly beneath him, to try to get rid of the goosebumps, without any intention and grazed his crotch.

Killian stopped kissing her and looked at her. "I'm sorry." She breathed and she could feel how the heat shot in her cheeks.

Especially because she was not sure if she felt something or not. Oh God, she had never seriously thought about whether it would turn him on in any manner.

On the other hand, would she be angry if it would turn him on? Probably not. She would rather feel honored if such a handsome man would find her or the situation with her sexy.

She had never been sexy for a man. For Neal she has always just been "sweet" Why would she lose the virginity with a man who thinks she was sweet and not sexy?

"It's okay." Killian's voice snapped her out of her thoughts. His voice was deep and husky.

Emma ran her fingers through his scruff, then over his neck to the short hair on his neck. He leaned back closer to her and kissed her again.

"Slide your hand down her breast." Directed August. Again Killian paused for a moment, "Is that okay for you?" He asked, looking her straight in the eyes. She could not say anything, it was as if she had swallowed her tongue, so she just nodded slowly.

She tried to focus on Killian's lips, but that was not so easy, as his fingers slid slowly over her breast.

Emma could not describe the feeling that she had. Perhaps it was the desire for more. She pushed her head a little more in the big pillows and sighed into his mouth.

Her skin was on fire as his hand slipped over her belly and then back up to her breasts. She let go of his hair and ran over his neck to his well-trained chest. Her fingers slid over his body and finally buried themselves in his dark chest hair.

His lips separated from hers and he slowly kissed her neck and her collarbone. He moved over her and his weight was pressed against her.

Her lips parted and she let out small moans. After all, she always had in mind that this was a film set here and that there are 13 people standing around them. The huge, fluffy microphone over them was not to be forgotten.

"Keep it up." Said August softly. "Move your kisses to her breasts."

Again Killian looked at her "Is that okay?"

Emma had to swallow. Was it okay for her?

"Are you okay, Emma?" August interrupted.

She turned her gaze away from Killian and looked at August. Before she could say anything, he already called "Cut!"

Killian brushed a small strand of hair out of Emma's face before he rolled to the side. She pulled the blanket over her breasts and breathed deeply.

"We have a short break!" Announced August when he went over to the bed. Killian accepted his and Emma's bathrobes but remained on the spot next to Emma.

"Hey, are you alright?" Asked August when he sat down on the bed.

"Yes. I'm sorry, I didn't want to interrupt anything. It's just all rather unfamiliar for me. " Said Emma, looking back and forth between August and Killian.

"Are you sure? We do not need to shoot it like that "

"Yes, really, I'm fine."

August clapped his hands, "Okay, but if something is wrong, you will tell me.

Emma smiled briefly, "I will."

Killian handed her the robe, but held her by the arm, "Are you sure it's okay? I can talk to August. "

Most crew members had already left the room and had probably gone to the buffet.

"I'm fine, really. I just always need a moment to prepare myself. It's all new for me."

"Okay," He gave her a grin that she almost blew her mind "But I won't stop asking."

"Good." She said shakily and gave him a small smile.

"Mr. Jones? "Asked a female voice, which belonged to one of the assistants. She had a phone in her hand and handed it to Killian. "It started to ring, it's your wife."

Killian took it and took off "Sweetheart?" He asked.

Emma could not hear what his wife said, but he began to beam with joy. "Really?" He asked.

She felt uncomfortable in the situation. She pulled her robe over and stood up from the bed, she briefly looked at Killian, but he didn't notice it and then left the room.

A few minutes later she found out what time it really was. It was now a quarter to 12. Almost midnight. Why calls Killian's wife at midnight? She shook her head. That's none of her business.

The half hour passed rather quickly and before she knew it, she was already half-naked with Killian in bed.

As always, they started where they had left off. This time, she was prepared for it, as Killian was instructed to distribute soft kisses on her breasts.

Again, her skin was on fire and without having any control over it, she sighed and moaned a few times.

Her whole body was tingling, every single nerve was under pressure. She had no idea what she was doing at all as she pulled Killian away from her breasts and pressed her lips hungrily against his.

The kiss heated up, and she felt his tongue stroked her lower lip. But before Killian could do something about it, she nibbled slightly on his lower lip and received a deep groan.

His groan let all hairs on her body stand upright. He was so sexy.

Emma's hands buried themselves in his hair and she pulled him even closer.

After a few instructions from August, it has now really serious. Simulating sex was not that easy. Emma blushed constantly.

The jeans of the two rubbed vigorously against each other. So hard that it was almost embarrassing. But it would be a lie if she would say that it would not turn her on. To her horror, she was a little aroused.

The moan that she repeated over and over again, was not necessarily simulated and she found the groans of Killian incredibly sexy.

Both found it embarrassing, as August stated when their characters are supposed to have the orgasms, but they mastered it perfectly.

At half-past 3 in the morning, an hour earlier as planned, the scene was finished.

Everyone applauded and everyone was happy to be able finally go to bed. After Emma was dressed, she fell Killian facilitated round his neck and he hugged her, laughing.

* * *

Forty minutes later, she was lying in her big, cozy bed in her suite. And she was incredibly proud of herself.

A few days after the shooting of the sex scene, she had met Killian's wife. Milah Jones was incredibly friendly and incredibly sweet.

She had been to visit the set to spend time with her husband. The more time she spent with Milah, the more she could see why Killian loved her. The two were a great couple.

When the last scene of the movie was filmed, everyone was sad. More than two months they had been like a big family and now everyone would go back to his own world.

It was an amazing time, an incredibly great experience for Emma.

She has met a lot of people, a lot of friends and a lot of experience.

She had grown as a person and Emma felt more like an adult now.

To say goodbye to each had not been easy, but at the latest at the premiere in 7 months they would see each other again.

A few of them would meet in 4 months, where they give a few interviews for promotion, press conferences and travel halfway across the world.

Most would do with Killian. In Killian, she had found a really good friend. The two have discovered many similarities during their time together.

The two said goodbye at the airport where Emma flew to her mother to Minnesota and Killian back to his homeland, Ireland.

"We definitely stay in touch."

"We will. And you have to inform me if your nephew or your niece is born. "

"I'll do it."

The long goodbye hug had almost _something intimate_.

* * *

The flight home did not take long and Emma was very happy to see her mother. Ingrid waited smiling at the airport and hugged Emma quite a long time, as she stood front of her.

"I've missed you so much." She said.

"I love you too, Mom."

On the ride home, Emma told her mother of the whole experience that she had gained. Emma told her that she has found many new friends and now she is already looking forward to seeing them again.

The city in which they lived was not very big, but for Emma, it was her home and she loved the feeling of coming home.

As Emma entered the living room of the house, she was surprised by her mother's family. Her cousin and her best friend, Elsa hugged her stormily.

"You have to tell me everything." She began.

"It's nice to see you, Elsa." Emma laughed.

After Elsa had let go of her, she greeted her other cousin Anna, Elsa's and Anna's mother Gerda and her other aunt Helga.

They all sat together at the table and ate the cake that Ingrid had baked. Emma talked about her time on the set and the others told of what had happened here, while Emma was gone.

In the evening she went into her room, was her bedroom when she was younger. It was exactly as she had left it. She put on her pajamas and got into bed. She responded to some messages that she had received from Mary Margaret.

She had just put her phone aside when the display lit up again. Annoyed Emma took it and when she read the name of the person who had sent the message, her heart beat faster.

**Killian POV:**

Killian was happy to be back in Ireland. Here he could live for a while, without being disturbed. He and Milah lived not far away from his parents in a beautiful house.

Barely a month after his arrival, he was uncle and godfather of a beautiful little girl. His brother and sister-in-law christened her on the name Ella Meliah Jones.

And he and his wife continued to try to conceive a child, though even these attempts were unsuccessful.

Meanwhile, Milah was really worried, but he suspected that it does not work because of all the stress he had.

He enjoyed spending time with his family. Here he was treated like a normal person. As a son, a brother or a husband, not like the actor that everybody knew.

During the whole time in Ireland, he had stayed in contact with Emma and now they would see each other again. Today the promotional tour for the film would begin. They would start in London.

He was very happy when he was able to hold Emma again. Together with August and Andy, they would visit some cities around the world to Promote the movie.

That same evening they had in London an interview where they explained the storyline, presented their characters and answered questions.

* * *

They had a pretty fierce schedule. They would fly tomorrow night from London to Amsterdam. There they would stay for two days and then on the second day to Paris. From Paris to Madrid, from Madrid to Berlin, from Berlin to Copenhagen, from Copenhagen to Moscow, from Moscow to Stockholm, from Stockholm to Oslo and from Oslo to Dublin. With the Dublin European tour would be completed.

From Dublin they would fly to Boston, from Boston to Toronto, from Toronto to Chicago, from Chicago to Vancouver, from Vancouver to LA, the conclusion would be in New York City.

The flying was exhausting. Every second or third evening they flew to a new country, in a new city. The variety of the weather discomfort Killian, he had persistent headaches.

Four cities they had already left behind them. Now they were just driven from the airport to their hotel in Berlin. In Berlin it was raining slightly, the sky was covered with clouds. It was 7:30 local time. In his homeland, it was 6:30 pm.

The car stopped at the hotel and they got out. Their bags were brought in and August went with Andy to the reception.

Killian and Emma sat down on one of the red sofas that stood in the lobby. Fortunately, they would not have any interviews tonight.

Killian let his head fall back and closed his eyes. He needed sleep.

"Looks like, as there would be problems." He heard Emma say next him.

He opened his eyes again and saw how Andy discussed something with the woman at the front desk. Annoyed came August to them "We have a problem."

Andy had his phone in his hand, and called someone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It took a bit longer with this chapter and I have no idea when I can upload the next one because a lot is going on right now.
> 
> I hope you liked it. Sorry if this chapter is a bit boring or rushed.
> 
> Feel free to leave a Comment with your opinion. It always makes my day :)
> 
> As usual I'm sorry for the mistakes in it. Please forgive me.
> 
> Jen, kelzkelz and andypandy, thanks for your comment :) 
> 
> And of course a huge thank you for everyone, who supports me. I really appreciate it :)
> 
> xSmallTownGirlx


	4. My Love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is M rated. You've been warned.

**Chapter 4: My Love**

"What's going on?" Asked Emma.

"Some fool has booked the rooms incorrectly. It seems that you two need you to share a room for two nights. Andy is calling other hotels, but it looks like everything is fully booked. "

Killian remained silent at first "And now?"

"Well, we are now trying to find another hotel, where the two of you would have your own room, but the looks on Andy's face says that it does not look so good. The woman at the front desk said that here would be an event tomorrow and so would be particularly many tourists in Berlin. "

"Not a chance," Andy said as he walked over to them. "Everything completely booked out."

"We could also swap, but I think it would not be a difference whether Emma sleeps with Killian in a room or with August."

Killian licked his lips "Probably not."

"Would it be very bad or would you bear it for two nights? We really tried everything. "

Killian felt Emma's glance and he looked at her, "We'll survive it, right?"

Emma nodded "Yes."

He didn't know if he should tell Milah. He loved his wife, and they had no secrets from each other, but he didn't want that she was worried unnecessarily.

After their bags were brought to the room, the four were still together in the hotel restaurant having dinner.

They talked about what would happen tomorrow and the day after tomorrow. Tomorrow at 9 am they would give an interview on a morning show. At noon they would have a little photo shoot for a German magazine and in the afternoon they would appear together at a gala.

At quarter past nine they went to their room. At first, the situation was a bit embarrassing, but after a while it was okay.

Emma rummaged in her suitcase and pulled out her pajamas. "I'm going to get ready for bed." She said, pointing at the bathroom door.

"Okay." He said, nodding. He used the time to change too. He undressed his shirt and his jeans and put them on one of the chairs. Then he put on sweatpants.

The room had a cozy atmosphere. The two lamps on the bedside tables plunged the room into a light orange tone.

Emma seemed to be a little embarrassed when she came out of the bathroom. Probably because he was standing half-naked in front of her. She was wearing a short, blue Cloth Pants and a gray top.

"Is that okay?" Killian asked somewhat hoarsely, pointing to his bare torso.

"Yeah, sure." She said. It was not the first time that he saw her without makeup, but the first time that he noticed how pretty she was, even without makeup.

"Which side do you want?" He asked, pointing at the bed.

"Right."

Killian folded the blanket back on the left side and got into it. He pulled the blanket back easily and switched off the little lamp on his side of the bed.

He watched Emma, as she also got into bed and turned off the light. They had as much distance as possible between them. "Good night," Emma whispered.

"Good night." He whispered back.

* * *

 

Middle of the night he woke up. He felt something pressed against him and he came to the conclusion, that it could only be Emma.

To his horror, he also no longer lay where he had fallen asleep. He was, like Emma, further into the middle.

He was watching her sleep, but was stiff when she started to rub against him. Killian knew she did not intentionally, but she really had to stop.

Of course, it did not let him cold when such a pretty, young woman rubbed against him. It spread the same feeling like the time when they had filmed the sex scene.

He shook his head slightly. He shouldn't think like this! He was happily married, he loved Milah more than anything else. And although he did not want it, he was hard. For a few seconds, he wondered what he should do now. Should he wake her? He decided against it and to just turn around. That was not so easy, but it worked eventually.

 

 **Emma's POV** :

She woke up at six in the morning as the alarm of her phone started. She turned a little and then realized, that she wasn't lying on her pillow. It took a few minutes before she was clear-headed.

Oh God. She lay half on Killian's chest. She had the instinct to jump aside immediately, but she didn't do it.

She heard his breathing, she felt his heartbeat and how his chest regularly rose and fell.

Slowly, she turned away from him, but he followed her. He moved a little and Emma froze. She felt him. He was pressed against her thigh and Emma turned bright red. She noticed how Killian awoke. He moved back and forth and then yawned. He slipped away from her when he realized how close they actually were.

"Oh God. I'm sorry." He said. Emma turned to him and was surprised when she saw that his cheeks were slightly pink.

She cleared her throat "It's okay."

Emma got up first and made her bedside, when he got up, what she had just felt, was confirmed. The Large bulge in his pants was more than conspicuous.

Her cheeks turned pink again and she looked away. Killian's cheeks turned a shade darker, but he just raised his eyebrows to cover it up and cleared his throat "Do you want to go to the bathroom first?"

* * *

 

 

The atmosphere between them was a little more tense than usual. Probably because of the embarrassing events in the morning.

It really was a bit embarrassing with his erection, but God, Emma was not a little kid anymore. She knew how such things work and it was totally normal. But she also felt this little spark between them. Any time they accidentally touched, her skin was on fire, her belly began to tingle. Just as it had also been while shooting the movie. Whether he felt it too?

The interview in the morning show did not take long. It was a little weird because she and Killian had little in-ear monitors in their ears where they heard the translated questions. She listened to the voice that translated the question "What do you think, you share with your character?"

She looked questioningly at Killian and waited if he wanted to answer first, But it did not look so, so she just started. "I think I have a lot in common with Isabelle. She loves her family and her friends a lot, but also need her distance. She loves to travel, just like me. She wants to experience a lot, but she has something that holds her back. These are some of the things we have in common. "

"What about you Killian?"

Killian cleared his throat, "Just like Will, I love the music, he protects what he loves, such as his family, he is athletic, determined but also overreaches sometimes. He is in a certain way mysterious and keeps much information in the background. "

"Killian, how was it to work for you with such a young, inexperienced actress? That's not what you usually do. "

"It is of course, at any new set something else, like any normal day too. You can never predict what will happen today. Whether it is a good day or a bad one. I believe that you should live for the moment. So it is with the different actresses and actors as well. With Emma, it was no problem to get used to it. From the very beginning, we got along very well and we were able to discover some similarities. It has definitely been fun to work with her and I'm glad I had the chance to do it. "

Emma gave him a smile "Aww thank you."

Killian grinned slightly, "You're welcome."

"What was it like for you Emma?"

"For me, the whole thing was an unusual situation. Honestly, I was a bit scared, but that was totally unfounded, the whole team was incredibly great. I know They all say that, but it really was like a big family. I have collected a lot of experience and learned a lot. "

"But for you, there was a first time, wasn't it? I've heard that you've filmed your first sex scene. "

Emma could feel the heat rose in her cheeks, but it tried to cover up. She laughed briefly "Yes that's true. It was really weird to shoot it, but I'm glad that I've done it. Of course, it would not have been like this without Killian and the crew, so I really need to thank them again. The whole thing was shot without much trouble over and at times we all really had to laugh. "

Killian grinned "Yeah."

Emma knew that he was thinking of the zipper situation.

"The whole shooting was totally great. Of course, you had days where something has not worked, like you wanted it to work, but I think in the end we are all more than satisfied. In a certain way, it's about, having fun and to grow as a person. "

This went on for about half an hour. The presenter asked a question that was translated for both and then they gave an answer.

At the photo shoot, the atmosphere was relaxed. They laughed a lot and joked around while the photographer gave them instructions and took pictures.

In the afternoon the two got ready for the gala. While Killian was wearing a dark blue suit, she had chosen a classic red dress. It was floor length and had halter-neck. Her hair was put up and her makeup had something dramatic.

The walk across the red carpet took forever. A lot of Pictures were taken. In all sorts of poses, just her and pictures together with Killian. They gave short interviews and then spent the evening at the gala. It was a little stressful because she understood almost nothing of what was said that night.

Emma was delighted when someone asked for a photo, even if she did not know most of the people.

The event then was great. There were food and various drinks, music was played and there was plenty of seating.

They had eaten and were now sitting on one of the sofas that were everywhere in the room.

"Want to dance?" Asked Killian and held out his hand.

"I'd love to!" She took his hand and smiled. Together they walked over to the dance floor, where other couples were dancing. The music style was still slow, but modern. However, no party music.

"I have to confess that I don't really know how to dance slowly." Killian licked his lips and looked at her "Just rely on your feeling. You don't have to dance waltz here now, although I eventually would like to dance waltz with you. "

Was Killian flirting with her?

"Only if you show me how to do that."

"I can manage that."

She stood before him, he took her hands and pulled her a bit closer to him. Killian placed her left hand on his right shoulder.

"I'll look totally ridiculous," Emma said firmly.

He laid his right hand on her waist. "We know both that this won't happen."

"You think so now. Just wait until I tread on your feet."

The two made the first steps. They moved very slowly to the music. Their feet barely left the place where they had started.

"I will bear it, _my love_."

Emma kept looking down at her feet and sometimes had to smile. Just as she wanted to look at her feet (which she didn't really see under the fabric of the dress) again,

She heard Killian say "Look at me," Her gaze left the ground and wandered to his face.

"You're doing good. You're very talented."

During the next song, Emma took her right hand out of his and put it also on his shoulder. His hand found her waist immediately and now the two were even closer to each other. The stubbles of his beard touched her cheek sometimes and she sheepishly looked and smiled.

She felt like a 16-year-old, infatuated teenager, but she could not help herself. She had rarely felt so safe in her life.

Emma felt the slight pressure of his hands on her body. She was almost a little disappointed when the dance was over.

After the dance, the two sat down again and had drinks. Emma began more harmless than Killian, who had ordered rum. She drank a glass of champagne.

The rest of the evening, they talked about their break. Emma told Killian of her home and of Elsa and the rest of her family, while Killian spoke about his little niece.

"Maybe we can visit them while we are in Dublin." Said Killian after his third glass of rum.

"That would be nice, then I could get to know them."

"You'll love the little one, I mean she doesn't do much, but her presence alone has changed everything."

"I believe you."

"And then I could show you a bit of the area."

"That would be amazing Killian." She gave him a small smile, hoping that it would work. She had never been to Ireland, but it was definitely on her travel list.

* * *

 

It was a strange feeling to be back in bed with him. There was something familiar about it and she liked it.

The light was switched off already, but the two were still talking to each other. They were not as far apart as they were the last night. The room was not quite dark, she could just see his facial expressions. She could see when he was smiling or his eyebrows were pulled up. They were facing each other, a small distance separated them.

Emma laughed at one of his stories.

"You really did that?" She asked.

"Aye, my brother and I got into huge trouble."

"That's what I thought." She looked at him and his smile charmed her. Without any intention, they got closer to each other. Emma kept looking from his eyes to his lips, waiting for a reaction from him. She knew that this was totally ridiculous, but she just could not help it.

They looked into each other's eyes, but Emma cleared her throat and looked away. "We should not do that." She whispered. That was what her mind told her, her heart wanted to do something completely different. She looked at him again, and a moment later, his lips were on hers and Emma froze for a short moment.

She backed away and breathed out in shock. Then she looked at him again and pressed her lips to Killian's. He kicked the bedspread aside and pulled her closer to him.

A shiver ran down her spine as his tongue tapped against her lower lip. She moaned and opened her mouth. His tongue found hers immediately.

He hastily pulled Emma onto his lap. She could feel his hard cock between her legs. She let her fingertips slide over his bare chest.

She felt how he shove one of his hands under her top and it glided up to her bra.

"Killian," she breathed. She knew it was not right what they did here, but on the other hand, she could not and didn't want to stop. It was like a frenzy.

"Don't stop." She whispered. He pushed the fabric up until he could undress her. She immediately got goose bumps.

Her hands went repeatedly over his chest, his shoulders, his neck before they finally buried themselves in his chest hair. She never thought that she would find chest hair sexy, but on him, she did.

When they broke apart, they were breathing heavily. She rested her forehead against his before she ran a hand across his cheek to his hair and pressed her lips to his again. Killian's hand buried in her hair briefly and then slipped further down to her bra cups. He grabbed her breast through her bra and Emma moaned.

Their tongues were battling.

His hands slid over her belly, to her back, to the bra clasp. With a quick movement, Killian undid her bra and the straps hung loosely on her shoulders.

She pulled her fingers from his chest hair, took off her bra and threw it on the floor.

She blushed, as Killian examined her breasts fully disclosed. His breathing was fast and heavy. It gave her the goose bumps, as Killian grabbed her breast with his left hand. She had to withhold a moan when he stimulated her hard nipple with his thumb. "So beautiful." She could hear him whisper.

He lifted her from his lap and laid her on her back. Her head lay on the soft pillows of the bed. Killian followed her and gave her a short but sensual kiss before he placed his kisses further down. Her neck, her collarbone, then to her left breast.

She shuddered as he took her nipple into his mouth and sucked on it lightly, while he massaged the other between his thumb and his index finger.

She arched slightly and lifted her abdomen against him "Killian." She moaned.

She could feel him through the thin fabric of the sweatpants. With her long fingers, she drove through his thick, dark hair. Her breathing became faster and heavier, her skin was sensitive and every part of her body craved his touch.

"I know, _my love_. I know."

Emma pulled him away from her breast and pressed her lips to his again. He slightly opened his mouth and her tongue touched his lightly. She could feel the heat pooling between her thighs.

A shiver ran down her spine as his hand stroked from her chest down. He circled her belly button lightly with his fingertips and then kept going down to the waistband of her pants.

He dipped his finger into it easily and went with them across the fabric of her panties. She knew herself, how aroused she was and it did not help, that Killian looked her in the eyes while he stroked her through the fabric.

Trembling, she let out the air that she had held the whole time. She moaned loudly as he stroked her through the thin fabric.

The feeling that grew in her stomach grew stronger and she became more and more impatient.

She bucked her abdomen against his hand and moaned again.

"What do you need, _my love_?" Asked Killian with shining eyes. Another groan escaped her mouth and one of his famous grins spread across his face. She loved and hated that grin alike. That idiot knows exactly what she needs.

"I need," she began but did not get to finish that sentence. "Please." She groaned instead. Killian stroked with his free hand a strand of hair off her face and gave her a gentle kiss on her swollen lips.

"Please, what?" He asked teasingly. But this time, she moaned in frustration. She bucked her abdomen again, but he stopped stroking her.

"Killian." She moaned slightly annoyed, but he just laughed. "So impatient." He breathed against her lips.

"Right now I am." She tried to bring out, as he began caressing her again.

"Oh God." She moaned.

"Tell me, dear. What do you want? "

"Please, Killian. Please. " She narrowed her eyes. "I need .. I need to come."

"There we go."

"Oh God."

"It's okay, _my love_ ," whispered Killian her ear. His warm breath against her ear made her shiver. "Let go."

This feeling in her stomach grew stronger, but not strong enough. "I can't." She whispered frustrated. She could feel that her panties were completely soaked. If it felt like this when there was still a small barrier between them, how would it feel without one?

"Let go, Emma." With his free hand, he rolled her nipple between his fingers. "I've got you."

He increased the pressure on her clit and she could feel her muscles twitch. She arched and threw her head back. Her eyes were narrowed and her fingers buried themselves in the bed sheets.

"Oh my God." She gasped.

After her high, a feeling of relaxation came over her. She dropped back into the mattress and moaned softly. She was not sure if she had ever come so hard in her life.

"Just like this." Said Killian.

She trembled slightly and when she opened her eyes again she saw Killian's face. He smiled slightly and she felt, how he slowly moved his hand from her pants.

"Killian," she began, but he interrupted her, "It's all right, _my love_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oops.. :))  
> I know it may be a bit cliche, but anyway.  
> I never thought, I'd be writing a bit Smut someday, because I think I'm not really talented at it. I gave it a try :D
> 
> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it. 
> 
> Thanks Jen and eneve for your comment! And of course thanks for kudos and stuff like this :)
> 
> ONE MORE DAY! I'd say, we survived the Hiatus 2015! I'm so excited for the new season! I hope you'll have fun tomorrow, while watching OUAT. I'm looking Forward to CaptainSwan. I miss them on my Screen. Enjoy it!
> 
> Review?


	5. Everything happens because it is supposed to happen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I changed the Rating of this Story to M, but there won't be much smut. Most of the chapters are still T rated.

**Chapter 5:** **Everything happens because it is supposed to happen.**

It was like a dream. Emma had no idea how long she lay there, trying to catch her breath. But it didn't work, because Killian placed gentle kisses on her neck again. For a brief moment, she caught her breath before she then sighed softly.

She grabbed his hair back of his head and enjoyed the gentle kisses, which he distributed on her neck.

Shortly thereafter, however, she pulled him up to her and crashed their lips together.

His weight was on her while they were making out. The tongues of them chased each other and it was not long until they broke away from the kiss to fetch air.

His hands slid along her body until they had arrived at the waistband of her pants. She lifted her abdomen so that he could pull them off.

He came back up to her and kissed her again. Her hands explored his body further and this time, she didn't make a stop at the waistband of his pants. Slowly she let her fingers wander over the obvious, large bulge in his sweatpants.

Emma was a little proud when she could coax him a groan.

He placed kisses on her neck again, on her collarbone and then continued to go down her body.

At her breasts, he briefly stopped in order to stimulate her nipples. He licked and sucked it lightly and Emma could feel the wetness between her legs. This man made her go crazy.

He looked into her eyes when he placed the kisses all over her body. At her navel, he briefly circled his tongue around it and she got goose bumps.

When he arrived at her (still soaked) panties, he hooked his fingers on the sides of the fabric and pulled it down. In the first moment, Emma felt revealed and vulnerable but that went by when she felt his tongue on her clit.

She let out a moan and bucked her abdomen against him. It was no question that Killian had a talented tongue.

He let it repeatedly bump against her clit before he finally took it into his mouth and sucked on it.

Her muscles were going crazy, she could hardly avoid the moans and her hands buried themselves in his thick hair. His beard tickled on their inner thighs.

With his fingers he glided easily over her wetness.

"Killian." She moaned, but she could only feel his grin. With one of his fingers he pushed slowly into her and gently stroked her inner walls.

She narrowed her eyes and threw her head back. She wanted to turn and squirm, but Killian held her with his free hand pressed against the mattress.

When she came the second time, she pulled at his hair and moaned his name repeatedly.

Like the first time, she collapsed slightly and breathed heavily.

"Are you okay?" Killian asked after a while. His voice was rough and hoarse.

Emma couldn't speak, so she just nodded. She was a little surprised when she felt a gentle kiss on her forehead.

She opened her eyes and looked at him. Just like herself, he was breathing heavily. He smiled slightly and ran his finger down her cheek. His eyes were darker than usual. The glowing blue had turned into a dark, mysterious blue. His hair was disheveled from her fingers and his pupils were dilated.

His lips were just like hers somewhat swollen but still, it didn't take long until they were pressed against each other again.

After Emma had recovered, she turned the two, so she sat on his lap. The kisses heated on again and she asked herself how she could desire Killian so much.

She began to move and Killian groaned loudly. Her breathing became faster and heavier as she grinding against the fabric of his sweatpants.

Before she knew it, Killian had turned them again and shoved his tongue back into her mouth.

Her hands wandered back to his sweatpants, but this time under the waistband, to push them off his hips. He backed away from her briefly, to completely take it off. Emma pulled him, once the sweatpants lay on the floor, to her and slid her hand over the thin fabric of black boxers.

He groaned into her mouth and she wanted to hear that sound forever.

While their tongues chased each other, she became impatient. His fingers brushed over her body and made her go crazy. But he had done enough for her tonight, without really thinking about himself. With this thought, she let her fingers dip under the elastic waistband of his boxers.

When she felt him among her fingertips she moaned softly. He was hard, thick and long. Her fingers slid over his shaft again and Killian groaned "Love,"

She let go of his length and he took off his boxer shorts. When he was with her again, she took him in her hand and pumped slowly up and down.

With her thumb she gently stroked several times over his slightly swollen tip to wipe away some pre-cum.

"Emma." He groaned.

"Hmm?"

"Faster." He uttered. She moved her hand faster up and down. Sometimes she varied the speed and strength, to be mindful of what he liked.

He moved against her rhythm to somehow get satisfied.

But even her own body demanded more again. Killian seemed to notice it, and slid, while they kissed, his hand over her body. First, he took care of her breasts and then back to her clit.

With his fingers he circled it slowly and coaxed Emma a moan.

The closer Emma came to her orgasm, the faster and stronger she pumped her hand, up and down.

"Love, you have to stop." Croaked Killian.

"What?" She asked, a bit in a trance. "Emma, if you don't stop, I swear to you, my dear, I'll come."

"Would that be so bad?" She teased.

He stopped stroking her clit and she breathed out, due to the loss of the feeling.

She stopped to caress him as he easily nibbled on her neck.

"Aye." He whispered. She sighed, and hoped that he wouldn't leave obvious hickeys.

"Tell me something, love," Killian whispered against her neck. "How can one be so demanding and wanton as you? You came twice tonight and it's still not enough, you're still so wet for me, still so hot. You just can't get enough, am I right? "

The heat rose in her cheeks and she groaned aloud.

"So much desire." He added.

"Killian," she sighed.

"Aye, my love. Answered me. " She gave him no answer.

"Sexually frustrated?" He teased "No one who can satisfy you?"

"Oh, Killian."

"That bad, huh?" He asked with a grin. He withdrew from her neck and looked into her eyes. "I'll tell you a little secret, Emma."

He came closer again and stopped close to her lips, "I love it." He whispered.

They kissed each other, and she could feel him at her inner thighs. "Oh God, please."

With his hands he touched her body before he backed away and got up from the bed.

First Emma was confused. What had he in mind? She watched him as he walked over to his jeans. He had his eyes on her. His eyes never left her and then he grinned, "Don't worry, love. I would never leave you like this. " He said, then showed her the small foil in his hand.

She relaxed again when he came back and gave her a tender kiss. Killian confused her. First, he was lovingly and respectfully and then in a certain way filthy, rough and damn sexy.

She explored his body, as he opened the foil and rolled the condom over his hard length. Jerkily he pulled her body to him.

"So wet." He whispered again and brought her to moan. Emma could only imagine what sight of her he just had. She lay legs apart in front of him, was very aroused and practically waited for that he would start. Her nipples were hard, her hair probably totally messy, her lips swollen and her breathing was heavy.

"So sexy."

Emma could feel him at her entrance.

He came a little closer and looked at her, "I'll be careful love."

She nodded slightly. She did not tell him, but it's been a while since she was so intimate with someone.

Emma arched against him, as he entered her. A slight sigh escaped her mouth. Killian was hovering above her, his hands braced either side of her head. He looked at her as he slowly moved in and out. Both enjoyed the feeling of closeness. How he filled her completely and every single nerve of her body sensitive.

"You're so tight, so beautiful," Killian whispered and caressed her breast with one hand.

Her hands made their way to his shoulder blades where her fingernails then slightly dug into his skin and her legs wrapped around his body, to have him closer.

"Faster." She croaked after a while, enjoying the feeling of him inside her. The moans of them became uncontrollable and loud. Hearing him groan, made her wanting him even more, It was an indescribable feeling. Their skin was covered with a thin film of sweat.

The feeling in her belly grew stronger, the desire for her release increasingly urgent. His hand sought the way to her clit. Slowly he let his fingers circling around it.

And the breathing of both of them was faster and stronger. Emma could feel that he was close.

Killian increased the pressure and Emma could feel her muscles clenched around him. He groaned loudly and slowed his pace.

A long and passionate kiss silenced the groans for a moment before he stopped to move and repeatedly groaned her name.

She could feel him throbbing in her, which gave her the rest and she eventually fell over the edge too.

Shortly thereafter, he rolled away and both lay panting next to each other. She closed her eyes for a moment and felt the mattress move. She heard quick steps, which presumably led to the bathroom.

A few minutes later, she was covered with a blanket and a kiss placed on her forehead.

"Are you okay?" She heard ask Killian quietly.

She nodded

"Yes, I'm fine and you?"

"Everything's fine."

The blanket rustled slightly as Killian lifted it, to lay down next to Emma.

He pulled her slightly to him and kissed her on the neck.

While she heard him snoring slightly after a while, she lay awake. What had she done?

* * *

* * *

When she woke up in the morning, Killian was putting on his clothes. "Good Morning."

startled he looked up "Good morning."

Would there be any uncomfortable situations now? Of course there would. They had to talk about it.

She sat upright in bed and pulled the covers over her breasts "We need to talk about what happened last night, Killian." She said softly.

He stopped to close the buttons on his shirt and sighed before he sat down on the edge of bed.

"I don't want that it is uncomfortable between us now. I don't want that we don' know how to deal with each other. "

"You're right."

"We shouldn't have done it and we both know it."

"Aye."

"You're married and oh God think of your poor wife sitting at home and waiting for your return."

Killian said nothing and ran his hand through his tousled hair. "I don't know what came over me yesterday, Emma. I am sorry."

"It's my fault too." She admitted.

"But I'm married. I love my wife. " He stood up and walked over to the window. "That should not have happened."

"Should we just forget about it?" She asked softly, "Pretend it never happened?"

"Presumably, that would be best, but I don't know if I can do that, Emma."

"Good. Because I don't know if I can do that either. Maybe it was because we had a few drinks, maybe not, but it has happened and we can't undo it, Killian. "

"I know." He came back to the bed and sat down. "What we had, was a one-night stand. Nothing more."

Emma knew that it wasn't like this and she believed that Killian knew it too. What they had was not just a one-night stand. There was a lot more emotion. Much more passion, pleasure and they needed it both. It was something that neither of them was able to describe.

"I love Milah. More than anything in the world. I can't lose her. "

Emma nodded slowly, "I can understand that."

He looked at her, biting down on his lower lip before he spoke. "I don't think I'll tell her."

"Are you sure, that this is the right thing to do?"

"I don't know. Right now I know nothing anymore. "

She tried to smile, "It's your decision, Killian."

"Will you promise me something?"

"Everything."

"Don't tell anyone, if it's possible."

"I won't."

"Will you promise me something else?"

She looked at him questioning.

"We remain, friends, right? I don't want that it is different between us now. "

"I don't want that too."

* * *

At breakfast She was quiet. The feeling of guilt tortured her. How could she do this to Milah? To such a nice, warm woman.

She guessed, that it wasn't easy for Killian either. He was just as calm as she was and seemed to be very far away in his thoughts.

She winced when her phone began to ring. They apologized to Killian, August and Andy and stood up.

She hurried into the empty conservatory, before she answered. "Hello?"

"Emma, my darling?"

"Gerda?"

"Emma, darling. Something has happened .. "

She didn't want to understand what her aunt told her. She leaned against one of the walls and slide down. Everything around her was quiet. Nothing mattered anymore.

She felt numb. Everything was blurred before her eyes, and tears rolled down her cheeks. It's not true. It could not be true.

Her perfect little world in which she had felt so safe, collapsed completely.

She hung up and buried her face in her hands. It was all a dream. A terrible nightmare.

All sense of time was gone. She didn't know how long she crouched on the ground, staring into nothing. She felt nothing. She was surprised at how fast nothing mattered anymore.

"Emma?" She didn't even wince as Killian suddenly squatted beside her. "Is everything okay?" He asked worriedly.

"No. Nothing is okay. " She said monotonously before she burst into tears again. He sat down beside her and put an arm around her.

"My mom is dead." She whispered. It was surreal, but it was still hard to say it.

"Oh Emma." Killian said softly and pulled her closer to him. "I am so sorry."

"My aunt called and told me. It came very sudden and unexpected. "

He said nothing. He just looked at her.

"I can't believe it, Killian. I don't want to believe it. It's like in a dream. A nightmare."

"I know, love."

No he didn't know. He didn't know how it felt.

How could she lose the person who meant the most to her? Her Mom. Her best friend. Someone who always got her back and gave her advice. Someone who was always there for her.

How could this be taken away from her?

Only the feeling of Killian's hand on her back, which was rubbing up and down repeatedly, she reminded her, that she was still alive. That this was real. Everything else was like frozen.

"She loved you, Emma." He whispered and caressed her hair.

"Now I'm all alone.." Her voice was barely a whisper.

"You're not alone." He said in a soft voice.

"Yes, I am." The tears in her eyes were blurred everything.

"Never." He whispered, brushing a strand of hair from her face.

"She was all I had .."

"You have me."

She looked at him. "I won't leave you alone." He added.

"Yes. That's what all do, sooner or later. They let me down.. "

"I won't let that go through this alone, love."

"No?"

"No."

For a few minutes it was quiet. Would he really be there for her? Everything doesn't make sense. Just a few hours ago she felt as if she had been in heaven and now?

"Why, Killian? Why my mom? "

"I don't know, little one. There is no answer to this question. Life is cruel sometimes. "

"I can't understand it."

"I know.."

"She is, “ Emma stopped and corrected herself “Or was such a kind-hearted, lovable person. Why her?"

"There is no explanation, darling. Sometimes you can't change it. One thinks, that one has full control over his life, but that's not true. You can't control everything. Nothing at all. _Everything happens because it is supposed to happen_. Not because we want it, but because it has been determined by God that way. And at some point, we will perhaps understand why. "

"It's my fault.."

"Emma, it's not your fault."

"If I had stayed with her, then all this wouldn't have happened."

"You know yourself that it's not true, Emma."

She was silent. Probably he was right. But she would have been with her. She should have been with her mother, caressing her hand and tell her that she loved her. She could have read to her or told her stories, she could have hugged her, let her know, that she was not alone, but she wasn't there.

"I should have been with her, but I was thousands of kilometers away from her .. I don't even know whether she was in pain .. Whether she has suffered. "

Killian's silence was pleasant. She no longer wanted to talk. She just wanted to sit there and cry, but she didn't want to be alone. Killian's presence was good. He was just there. He was there and held her in her arms, gently caressed her back and wiped away her tears.

"I'm sure that she didn't have to suffer." He whispered after a while.

She let her head fall against his shoulder and closed her eyes.

"God will give the strength you need, love. Never lose hope."

"I feel so empty, Killian."

Her thoughts confused her. They were a mixture of disbelief and grief. It was as if the grief yet would have to convince the incredulity.

Killian pressed a gentle kiss on her head, "I know .. do you want to tell me how it happened?" He asked gently.

She stared into space again, "I don't really know myself .. My aunt said that she would prefer to tell me personally. All I know is, that she wasn't feeling well the last two or three days and that she went to the hospital just to be on the safe side and a few hours later she was dead .. "

Her voice was barely a whisper, just breaths.

She felt so helpless, so lost and alone. She had a headache from crying and her eyes were red and swollen.

When her phone display lit up, and the small signal came that they had a missed call, Emma was scared. She didn't want to talk to anyone about it.

She took the head of Killian's shoulder and looked at the lighted display. Emma was terrified, and tears sprang to her eyes again.

'A missed call from Mom'

She began to sob uncontrollably and Killian she had to hold her and calm her down. "My mom called me again." She brought out sobbing.

"Will you listen to it?" He asked gently.

For a few seconds she remained silent, "I don't know.." she whispered, "I'm afraid .."

"Hey," Killian took her hand and squeezed it lightly, "I am right here with you. Don't be afraid, Emma. Don't be afraid. "

Emma pressed the button to play, and she burst into tears again. She did not want to admit it, that she was no longer there. She was afraid. But then she remembered something that her mother had told her once: Don't be afraid was written 365 times in the Bible. Once for each day, and now she needed hers for today.

"Hello Emma, my darling, here's Mama. I know it is very late in Berlin now, but I just wanted to call to tell you how incredibly proud I am of you. I've seen some pictures of you in Berlin and you looked enchanting, my angel. You've grown to a beautiful, strong young woman. All other envy you. I am so happy for you that you can live your dreams. And remember, My angel I could not be prouder of you, Emma. I love you more than anything in this world. I wish you a good night, you can call me back tomorrow and when you get back home, you can tell me everything. Goodbye, my darling. "

_For he will command his angels concerning you to guard you in all your ways.._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> First of all, I want to dedicate this chapter to a Adriane. A lovely Young woman who passed away the last Weekend.
> 
>  
> 
> Adri was a part of our fandom, a Oncer and a Captainswan shipper, who was taken from us way too soon. 
> 
> I've heard, that she was a beautiful Soul, so please send your love and your prayers to Adris Family and friends, who need strength in this difficult time and Keep her in mind.
> 
> She was and still is so loved, She'll never be forgotten.
> 
>  
> 
> Rest in peace Adriane.
> 
>  
> 
> I really hope you liked it. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it. Please leave a Comment with your thoughts! Thank you for the kudos, I really appreciate it! Thanks.


	6. I will fear no evil.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In this chapter I quote Psalm 23 and the Lord's prayer or our father, of the bible.

**Chapter 6: I will fear no evil.**

The pilot informed the passengers that they would land soon. She stared out the small window on the plane, trying to think of nothing.

Most of all she wanted to listen to music, but she knew, that it would only make her more emotional and more thoughtful.

She took one of the sedative tablets, that a doctor in Berlin had prescribed her after August had called him because she almost had a breakdown because she cried so much, that she couldn't breathe.

Emma was incredibly grateful for the understanding of August and Andy. Together they decided, that it would be best for everyone if the tour was canceled for now.

To the press was just passed, that they, unfortunately, could not continue the tour for personal reasons, but that they were trying to continue it if it's possible and that it would be published if there was new information.

She also was incredibly grateful for Killian's presence. He didn't leave her side for a second when she got ready for the flight. He comforted her and hugged her when she started to cry again.

She had said goodbye at the hotel and was then driven to the airport, while the others would spend the day in Berlin before they began their journey home. In social networks, the questions piled why the Promo Tour has been canceled, her fans wanted answers. Any statement from her, that explained everything, but right now she would not and could not say anything about the situation.

Her aunt Gerda picked her up from the airport. When Emma saw her they held each other and cried. Emma had lost her mother and Gerda her sister. It gave her, even if only for a tiny moment the feeling, that she did not have to cope the pain alone.

In the car they were quiet. They didn't speak, and the radio was not turned on too. 20 minutes passed before Gerda quietly began to speak.

"Emma, I know it is very hard for you and you can believe me, that it is hard for us too, but in the next few hours, many decisions must be made."

Emma knew what she was talking about. The notary would come to open and read out her mother's testament, and the mortician would want to clarify everything about the upcoming funeral.

"I know." She whispered. She couldn't say more. From the corner of her eye, she saw how single tear rolled down her cheek of her aunt.

"You're so brave, Emma."

No, she was not. She was not brave or strong or in a certain way calm. She tried to be strong because she had to. She could not allow herself to break down.

For her mother, because she would have wanted it that way, for her family and especially for herself. She wanted to scream and cry and pray, that it was all just a bad dream. And she knew that if she was alone tonight, then she wouldn't be able to hold it back anymore and she would cry herself to sleep.

"Do you know where Ingrid has all her personal documents? The identity card, birth certificate, marriage certificate and divorce papers." she continued.

"In the living room cupboard or in her purse." She felt simultaneously empty and overwhelmed.

Emma knew Ingrid was married. She had married her first love when she was still very young, but after less than three years her mother has filed for divorce. After that, she had rarely someone.

To her she always said, that she would need nothing else but Emma, to be happy.

"When the mortician comes, Emma, you do not have to be present if you don't want to."

"I want to be there." Emma was Ingrid's daughter, and she believed, that she was the closest person to Ingrid. She wanted to decide what happens and how the funeral will take place. She wanted to make sure that everything would be, as her mother would have wished.

Gerda nodded slightly and looked at her briefly before her eyes fell back on the road.

"Helga brings the documents and we already have informed the people, who your mother was very close with and who were important to her."

The rest of the drive they were quiet again and Emma let her head fall against the car seat and closed her eyes.

When they arrived at Gerda's house, she was greeted by everyone.

Everyone hugged her briefly and talked to her, but the mood was depressing.

Agnarr, the father of her cousins, picked up her suitcase and brought it to the guest room. He was a very lovable, friendly but also a very purposeful man from Norway.

"Mom thought it would be better if you stay with us for now." Said Elsa and stroked Emma briefly over her arm.

"Thank you."

"That goes without saying."

She followed her uncle into the guestroom, where he put her suitcase on the big bed.

"If you need anything, let me know, little one." He gave her a small smile and then left the room.

The room was comfortably furnished. It had large windows, that let in plenty of light, mint-colored curtains, a large white bed with different patterned bedding, two bedside tables with small lamps and fresh flowers on it, a dresser with a mirror above, a desk, a wardrobe, a small sofa and a fluffy carpet covered a bit of the wooden floor.

She's been in this house before, she lost Count over the time, but it was many many times. And she remembered that she was in this room before, although she usually slept with in Elsa's room when they had a sleepover.

She sat down on the bed and took off her shoes. Her feet were cold, though it was August.

Emma wanted to be alone, but she knew, that it wouldn't be the best and that it would just give her time to think. So she left her temporary room and went into the living room to watch the second season of Gossip Girl with Anna and Elsa.

* * *

After lunch, the notary came with the Testament. He opened it and read it aloud. It didn't surprise Emma, that she inherited the most. She got a large sum of money, the house where she had grown up, so the whole property with everything therein or thereon, and the little house in which they were almost every summer. Her aunts both got an equal share of the money.

A few hours later the mortician came. While her cousins, were sent to their rooms, she sat with her aunts, her uncle and the mortician at the dining room table and discussed the individual details of the funeral.

It cracked her up. She had to fight not to burst into tears, even though everyone would understand it, but she wouldn't do it.

The funeral would be held in the small chapel at the cemetery. She had already been in this chapel, her mother always thought it was nice and that's why they had chosen the chapel. The funeral would be in exactly 4 days.

After everything was settled and the mortician left, she retired to her room.

With her phone, she quietly listened to music and then worked on her laptop. She went on her social media sites. She was still not willing to accept the death of her mother but she owed the people out there an explanation. She took a deep breath and then wrote a message on Twitter.

"I want to tell you, that I'm currently not feeling well. My mother has passed away and I ask you to think of her and to pray for her. I love you, mom."

It was not long before many of her fans commented it, wishing her strength, prayed for her and her family and thinking of them.

She didn't read more than five tweets before she burst into tears. She wanted to say so much more, but she didn't know how.

"I thank you for your love and comprehension. It is a difficult time for me and my family and I miss her so much. " At that moment, Emma no longer felt like a twenty-one-year-old, but more like a small, helpless girl.

Night came sooner than expected and as she had already said, she cried herself to sleep. She clung to the memories of her mother and she wondered more than once, whether she should listen to the voice mail of her mom, but she didn't dare.

She gazed over her shoulder as the door opened and Elsa walked in. Without saying a word Elsa lay down next to Emma and pulled the blanket over them. They looked at each other and Elsa put an arm around her protectively, before Emma snuggled up to her cousin.

"It'll be okay." Whispered Elsa.

"I wish I could believe you."

It was like old times when the two of them were having slumber parties. They lay together in bed, talking. Sometimes Emma missed this carefree time.

"Hey," Elsa looked at her, "Your mother will never leave you. You can't see her and not you can't hear her, but she is always with you. She is always near you and will always protect you, Emma. She will help you on your ways and journeys and accompany you through your life. "

It didn't help her to be less sad, but it helped her to take her courage. Elsa knew how she could support her.

"I love you, Emma."

"I love you too, Elsa."

And that night where Elsa was sleeping next to her, she felt at least not completely alone.

* * *

The day of the funeral came much too fast. She stood in front of the large mirror in Elsa's room. Elsa stood behind her and pulled up the zipper of Emma's dress. It was black, with a little lace at the hem, it had broad straps and a small cleavage, and it was a little shorter than knee-length.

She was wearing black pumps and had a black purse. Earrings and a matching necklace, that her mother had given her on her 18th birthday. Her hair was slightly curly.

Emma went to her room and took two of the sedative tablets. Otherwise, she would not survive the day. She pulled on a black cardigan and left the room.

When she entered the chapel, she wanted to left immediately. Tears came to her eyes when she saw the casket in front.

It was gray / silver and on it was a flower arrangement of white and red roses, Calla Lily, symbolizing immortality, and of lilies, which represent light, innocence, pure love and purity of heart.

Lilies were also her mother's favorite flowers.

Beside the casket stood an easel with a picture of her mother. She looked beautiful. And flowers and candles.

The sun shone through the colorful stained-glass windows as if this day wanted to convince her, that he was good.

She and her family sat in the front row on one of the benches. She sat between Elsa and Gerda, in the event that one of them needed to hold her hand. In her left hand, she had a beautiful, red rose that she would throw into the grave.

Emma did not turn around, but she could hear and feel how the chapel filled with people. Most were ahead for a short moment, to lay flowers or floral wreath next to the casket. Later, they would be placed on the grave.

Emma hated the bells of the chapel. She knew how they sound like outside, but inside they sound like a heartbeat. It was almost unbearable.

The priest began on time with the funeral service. First, he told about Ingrid, about her life, what she has done in the past and what kind of person she was. He told things from her mother and her aunts and her mother and her.

Gerda and Helga must have spoken with the priest because she did not know that something like this would happen.

The priest told how much Ingrid loved Emma and how much she had changed her mother's life, How proud Ingrid had always been of her.

He told of the hobbies of her mother, how kind she was and always tried to help.

And he told, that she had died unexpectedly, how many people in this difficult time were mourning for her, but that she was firmly convinced, that she would never disappear from their lives.

"Dear family and dear friends of Ingrid,

At this hour, it is now time to say goodbye to Ingrid, I'm going to read to a few words from the Scriptures. In the Psalms we pray together, we read:

_The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want._

_He makes me lie down in green pastures._

_He leads me beside still waters._

_He restores my soul._

_He leads me in paths of righteousness_

_for his name’s sake._

_Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death,_

_I will fear no evil ,_

_for you are with me;_

_your rod and your staff,_

_they comfort me._

_You prepare a table before me_

_in the presence of my enemies;_

_you anoint my head with oil;_

_my cup overflows._

_Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me_

_all the days of my life,_

_and I shall dwell in the house of the Lord_

_forever._

For a moment it was completely quiet in the chapel and she grabbed Elsa's hand. Elsa squeezed her hand briefly and then stroked with her thumb lightly over it.

Together they sang a few songs, while the priest, here and there, said something.

On the whole, the service had become beautiful and Emma was certain, that her mother would have liked it, but she wanted nothing more than that it was finally over.

She didn't know how long it would be before she would break Elsa's hand. Because she had the feeling, that she would squeeze harder every minute.

"We want to accompany Ingrid Maria Swan now on her last journey."

Emma closed her eyes until she was pulled up from Elsa. It was awful to walk behind the casket when it was brought to the grave.

It was so quiet. Only the church bells accompanied them on her probably hardest way.

At the grave everything was prepared, it was a nice place. There were not many other graves here and there were a few trees around it, that would give shade if the sun was shining.

And though the sun was shining, it was a gray day. When it would rain, but it was not raining. A light wind enveloped Emma and let her hair blow slightly.

She didn't listen to the priest, as he said something before the casket was lowered into the earth, but she heard him say: "We pray together:

_Our Father, who art in heaven,_

_hallowed be thy name,_

_thy kingdom come,_

_thy will be done,_

_on earth as it is in heaven._

_Give us this day, our daily bread,_

_and forgive us our trespasses,_

_as we forgive those who trespass against us._

_And lead us not into temptation,_

_but deliver us from evil._

_For thine is the kingdom and the power,_

_and the glory_

_for ever and ever._

_Amen._

She could hear the whispers of people behind her. It was clear, that there were many people, even if she still hadn't turned around yet.

Her aunts went a step forward and the priest went to them to express his condolences. Then he came to Emma.

"My heartfelt condolences, Emma." He squeezed Emma's hand tightly.

"Thank you." She was glad, that she was able to get a word out of her mouth.

"I wish you much strength in this difficult time and that God helps you all times when you're stuck."

"Thank you."

She felt numb as the priest continued with Elsa, Anna, and her uncle.

Emma took a few steps forward to Helga, who then embraced her. And at that very moment, it was over. She was done. How much she had tried to hold back her tears all the time in order to act strongly, didn't work anymore. When Helga was holding her and Gerda stroked her back gently, it was over. The tears flowed and she could not stop sobbing.

"It'll be okay, Emma," Helga whispered in her ear.

She pulled away from the hug and looked at the grave. How should she now go to the grave and say goodbye to her mother? How could she survive that?

"You don't have to do that." Said Gerda, who was crying too.

Emma gulped, wiped her tears away with her free hand, then nodded.

"Yes." She would never forgive herself if she wouldn't it. "I want to do it."

And for the first time she saw the people, who had also come. Only the closest friends, acquaintances, and relatives had received an invitation, but there were many more people there who wanted to pay their last respects to her mother.

With shaky steps, she went through the short grass to her mother's open grave, before she stopped in front of it.

This moment was for her alone. She forgot all the people around them, who observed. It was just her and her mother.

She crouched down and looked at the rose in her hand. The tears flowed down her cheeks and came on the earth in front of her.

Then she closed her eyes and thought of different moments with her mother. "I miss you so much, Mom."

After a little hesitation, she threw the rose into the grave at the casket and stood up. She tearfully brought an "I love you." Out, before she fell back on her knees and cried so hard, that she could not breathe.

Gerda was the one who helped her stand up and hugged her tightly.

* * *

In turn, the people came to say goodbye at the grave of Ingrid and thereafter to them to condole.

She did not know how many hands she had shaken, how many times she has been embraced or how many times she had said: "Thank you." It seemed infinite.

But it was nice to see how many people and especially who was there to say goodbye. There were many friends of her mother, who she herself knew well, colleagues, friends from teenage years, neighbors, even friends of Emma with their parents and people she had never seen before.

Her aunts were amazed when one man stood before them. "Conrad." Said Helga. Emma knew that name. It was the ex-husband of her mother.

When he arrived at her, the strange man hugged her briefly.

"My heartfelt condolences, Emma."

"Thank you." She couldn't look at him very long. She did not know what exactly he did back then, but he broke her mother's heart.

When she had the last hand shaken, there was again the already familiar emptiness.

"Emma." She must have been staring into the void because Helga stood there and held out her hand as if Emma was a two-year-old girl. "We want to go now."

The funeral feast. She had totally forgotten. But she couldn't go now, she needed a moment for herself.

"I need a minute. You can go, I will come right after. "

Helga seemed skeptical. "Please," Emma whispered.

"Alright. You know where we are. "

* * *

She waited until everyone had left before she again ventured closer to the grave. Soon it would be filled with soil and the floral arrangements and flowers would be placed thereon.

From the corner of her eye, she saw a dark pair of shoes and she turned around.

Killian stood a few feet away from her. He wore a black suit and had a white calla lily in his hand.

"Killian." She whispered.

He gave her a sad smile before he came closer and embraced her. "Hey, love."

She buried her face in his chest, breathing in his scent. He always smelled of leather and the sea.

"How are you holding up?"

"Crappy."

"I thought so." He stroked her slowly down her back.

"What are you doing here?" She asked after she noticed that he really should not be here.

"I'm sorry that I just burst in here"

"No," she interrupted him and broke away from his embrace "That was not what I meant. I meant, shouldn't you be in Ireland? "

"Well, I made you a promise and I don't break my promises."

"What?" She asked. Her brain worked hardly correct.

"When you found out," he began, then interrupted himself but himself and cleared his throat, "When you found out, I promised you, that you don't have to go through this alone."

Emma tried to smile, "You're right. How did you figure out? "

She didn't say that she meant the funeral. He could already see from her face.

"A few of the crew knew it."

She nodded and folded her arms, not because she was mad, but because the wind was stronger and colder.

"I'm sorry, Emma. I didn't want to just show up here. "

"Don't worry, Killian. I'm glad you're here. " It wasn't a lie. She was really glad to see him. Knowing that he was there for her. But it was also the first time after their night. She had not forgotten what it felt like to be with him. How it was to fall asleep next to him or to kiss him, or touching him. But it gave her a queasy feeling in my stomach.

It was all too much for her. The day today, the funeral of her mother and now Killian.

She tried to blink away the tears, but it was not working. She turned away from him.

"Sorry."

"It's okay, Emma."

He was right. It was her mother's funeral. She was allowed to cry. But she didn't want to seem weak.

"It's just all so much," she found herself in his arms again. He slowly rocked her gently back and forth while she wept in his arms. "In one moment, I feel empty and the other moment everything is too much for me."

"I know, love."

When she calmed down, he took her hand and walked a few steps closer to the grave to throw the flower into it. For a minute they just stood there.

"I have to go to the funeral feast," she looked at him "do you want to come along?"

"Do you think it's a good idea?"

"It would be easier for me."

He smiled at her, "All right."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading! I hope you liked it.
> 
> As always I'm sorry for any mistakes. And I know it's not how a funeral is, but there are funerals that have a lot in common with the one I wrote down. So mine was "Inspired" by it.  
> I actually know about this Kind of funerals so I hope it was okay for you.
> 
> Thank you xitsemma and onceinalifetime1 for your comments! :)  
> I also wanted to thank you for the kudos, subscriptions and Bookmarks! 
> 
> Please leave a comment with your thoughts, I really enjoy reading your comments, so don't hold back ;)
> 
> PS: Don't worry about captainswan in OUAT. They'll get back together :)


	7. The only right thing

** About two months later. Killian's POV: **

He hated it. He could hardly look Milah into her eyes and slowly he began to wonder whether it was really the right decision not to tell her. Probably not. But still, he couldn't find the courage to tell her.

About a month after the funeral of Emma's mother, they continued the tour and the remaining countries and cities were visited.

He was not lying when he said, that Emma hid behind a mask. She tried to look happy and to act normal, but he knew she was not.

Of course, she was not. She lost her mother and that hurts. Killian didn't even want to imagine what it would be like to lose his mother.

But Emma was trying to deal with it. She had confided to him, that she couldn't process it and that she then sought for professional help. Someone who knows how to deal with bereavement. And it was the right thing to ask for help. It may sound heartless and wrong, but life must go on. Especially if you work as an actor. One relies on the work.

Since then she spoke regularly with someone about it, and she was apparently better now.

"Killian? Dinner's ready!"

The melodic, soft voice of his mother yanked him out of his thoughts. He heard the clattering of dishes and cutlery from the kitchen his parental home.

Nevertheless, he still remained in front of the large window in the living room for a moment and watched as the raindrops fell against the glass.

The sky was covered with dark, gray clouds and after arriving with his parents, it had started to rain.

He startled slightly when he felt a hand on his right upper arm. Milah stood behind him

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to scare you. But dinner is ready. Are you coming, babe?"

Killian cleared his throat," Yeah, sure, I'm coming."

He tried to return the smile of his wife but failed terribly. "Is everything okay? You're so absent lately. "

"I'm sorry. I guess I'm just exhausted." Milah held out her hand.

"I know Killian. When we're home, you have enough time to rest. "

He grabbed her hand and went into the dining room, where most were already sitting.

"There you are!" Said His mother, who just placed a bowl of salad on the table.

He smiled at her "I'm sorry, Mama." She returned his smile as he sat down beside Milah at the table.

Liam, who was sitting across from him, gave him a questioning look, but he just shook his head. Claire, his brother's wife, sat down and put the baby alarm on the table. "Is she asleep?" Asked Liam.

"Yes, but the question is for how long." Claire smiled at Liam.

Richard, Liam's and his father, sat down at the end of the table. Killian loved those family reunions.

From time to time they all met at his parents', her mother cooked for them and then they all ate lunch or dinner together.

When they all sat at the table, they began to eat. He took a pork medallion and a few potatoes with sauce.

"Killian, how is Emma?" Asked Milah beside him. For a moment he stopped eating and looked at her "according to circumstances quite well, I think."

He cleared his throat and cut a piece of the medallion, with his knife.

Milah nodded beside him, "That's good."

"What?" Asked Claire.

"Oh Emma, the girl Killian filmed with, has lost her mother a while ago."

"Really?"

"Yes, entirely unexpected." Told Milah and ate a piece of potato.

"How old is the girl?" Interfered his mother.

Milah looked at him questioningly, "21" He answered.

"Poor thing." His mother shook her head slightly.

Kilian took a sip of water and hoped, that the issue would be off the table now.

"Yes, a few months ago was the funeral."

Or not.

"You were at the funeral, weren't you?" Liam asked.

He nodded slightly, "Yes, I was."

Under the table, Milah took his hand and he tensed immediately. "Yes, I think it was the right decision, that you were there. He was not sure at first, but then I was able to persuade him.”

Oh God, he was such an asshole. How in the world could he do that to Milah?

Liam raised his eyebrows and looked at him questioningly but Killian shook his head again.

"It tastes very good, Charlotte," Claire said to his mother.

"Yes, that's true." Added his father.

"It's delicious, Mom." Said Killian.

"I am glad, that you all like it! I wasn't so sure at first."

Killian was glad that the issue was completed.

They ate together and then cleared the table when the baby alarm started.

"I'm going," Killian said before anyone else ever had the chance to say something.

"Are you sure?" Liam asked.

"I am the godfather." He called over his shoulder, not even waiting for an answer.

He needed to get out of there for a moment. He had not imagined it so hard to cover up the situation. He was an actor, it was his job to play someone else, but it didn't work.

Slowly, he walked into the room where Ella was in a little crib. The little one was crying and Killian lifted her carefully out of her crib and then took her in his arms.

His hands supported her bottom and her little head, as he held her against his chest, trying to calm her down.

"Shh, everything is fine." It took a while until Ella stopped crying.

"Can you tell me what's going on here?" He heard his brother's voice behind him and he turned around. Liam came in and closed the door quietly.

"I'm calming your daughter?" Killian asked slightly annoyed.

Liam leaned against the door, "You know exactly, that I don't mean that, Killian."

Gently Killian lay his goddaughter in her crib again and covered her with a thin blanket. "What do you mean then?"

He heard Liam's annoyed groan "Don't play dumb, brother!"

Killian hated, that Liam knew him so well. "I know that something is wrong. You are thoughtful and tense. And now don't tell me, that comes from work. You perhaps can fool anyone else, but not me. "

He scratched behind his ear, "I screwed things up, Liam." He admitted, without to look his big brother in the eyes.

"What have you done?" Liam answered after a brief silence.

Killian turned to the window and ran his hand through his hair, but remained silent. He didn't know how to say it.

"Killian. What did you do? " His brother asked further, with a firm voice.

"I don't know how to say it."

"How bad is it?"

He snorted. "pretty bad."

"Has it something to do with this Emma?" His brother asked suddenly.

Killian took a deep breath "Aye."

"I augur ill, brother."

"I have cheated on Milah." It was strange to say it out loud, if it was otherwise always been about, to keep it secret.

"You what?!" He could hear the anger in Liam's voice.

"I don't know how this could happen." That was what every man said and he knew it.

"Are you totally insane? She is your wife! Years ago, you made a promise to her and to God. "

"I know, that she is my wife!" He hissed softly, careful not to wake Ella.

"How could cheat on her then?!"

"I don't know, damn it!" For the first time, he looked his brother's eyes, "I don't know."

"What exactly happened?" Asked Liam, who had his arms crossed now.

"I have no idea, it was in Berlin. We were on this gala, we danced and had a drink or two and later at the hotel we had sex. "

Liam briefly put his head back and looked at him then "You can't be serious! Milah loves you. "

"I love her too!"

"Oh really?" His brother spat scornfully.

"Liam, stop it!"

His brother threw a look at the sleeping baby before he pulled him out of the room in their father's study and closed the door behind them.

"If you love her, how could you cheat on her? How could you sleep with another woman if you two are trying to conceive? "

Killian had to swallow "I don't know why Liam. I don't know anything right know. Can you imagine how I feel? I love Milah, but I'm afraid to lose her if I tell her. And I don't know why I cheated on her. I don't know if it was the alcohol or something else. And then there's Emma. This beautiful, young woman with whom I have cheated on my wife. I'm also afraid to lose her, but as a friend and I have no idea whether there is more or not, but it's weird enough between us. Liam, I'm not gonna lie, I won't tell you, that I haven't enjoyed the night with Emma, or didn't feel comfortable, because I have, but if you really want to know, yes I feel like shit. I can barely look at my wife. I can hardly touch her because I have such a guilty conscience that it devours me!"

Liam went over to him, put his hand on Killian's shoulder and nodded "Don't get me wrong, brother, but you're really an asshole and you deserve this remorse ."

"I won't deny it."

"But whatever has made you sleep with this girl, had its reasons. I don't know what and you maybe don't know them yourself, but it has happened, you can't undo it. And you have to live with it now.”

Liam's voice became gentle again, "I know you, Killian. I know that you're a good man, so tell her. She will hate you, She won't understand why, she'll probably leave you, but at least you were honest with her. I think she would eventually find out anyway, so just tell her. That's the least you can do. You owe it to her. "

He nodded and he knew Liam was right. He hated it when Liam was right.

"Now come. We are here because of our parents."

* * *

 

 

"Where have you been so long?" His father asked, as Liam and he arrived in the living room.

"We had something to clarify," Liam said, "But don't worry, it's okay. Right, Killian? "

"Yes. Don't worry. " He agreed and smiled slightly.

"Is Ella alright?" Claire asked.

"She sleeps soundly. Looks like Killian has a great talent with babies. "

Killian looked at his brother. Was he trying to provoke him? He sat down on the sofa, next to his father.

"Kilian has always been good with children." Said his mother.

"That's true." Agreed his father. "But you always preferred sailing with Liam."

Now he had to smile. True, he has not loved anything more, than to go sailing. Immediately, memories of him and Liam came up.

"And you are really good at it," said Liam laughing "Almost better than me, but I have not brought you back then, so you'll be better than I am."

Everyone in the room laughed at Liam's comment. "Was." Said Killian.

"What?"

"I was good at it."

"I'm sure, that you are still good at sailing, my darling." Said his mother.

"I don't think so. I wasn't out at sea for years now." He said.

"This is something you can't unlearn, my boy." Said his father and patted him on the shoulder. "Not when one's as talented as you are. We have all seen your passion for it."

"I have hardly any time for it."

And that was the moment, he realized something. He had given up everything, that he enjoyed. From time to time he had time to pursue his old hobbies, but that was rather rare. He had sacrificed everything for his profession. Not that he didn't love his job, it had always been a dream for him, the chance to be someone else. To be someone he never would be. But he had to make a sacrifice for it.

Because of filming, the interviews, and all the events, on which he had to go, he had little time for things he loved too. Whether it was his hobbies, or his friends or his family.

* * *

 

It was already dark outside when He and Milah said goodbye to his parents and got into the car. It was still raining and he had to concentrate to see anything. The windshield wipers were barely kept up with wiping the water from the windshield and the headlights were kind of pointless too.

Milah sat beside him in the passenger seat and looked out the window. Her hair was quite curly from the rain and her clothes were slightly wet. She had been this quiet for a few hours now.

The ride home took fifteen minutes longer than usual, but he was glad when he drove into the driveway.

In the hallway of their house, both took off our shoes and jackets. "Is everything okay?" Killian asked his wife.

Milah nodded weakly, but he didn't believe her. He knows her for years and if she behaved like this, something was wrong. Had she heard the conversation between his brother and him?

He hesitated first, but then grabbed her at her elbow "Look at me." He spoke in a low and calm voice, "What's wrong?"

"I'm just not feeling well." She whispered back. He let go of her arm and followed her on her way into the living room where she sat down on the sofa.

After a few seconds, he looked away and went into the kitchen. He took a glass from the cupboard and poured in some water before he went back into the living room with the glass in his hand.

He squatted in front of Milah and held the glass out "Here. Drinking something."

She took the glass from his hand and took a sip of the water. "Thank you."

"Do you want to lie down? Or take a warm bath? "

"Is both possible?" She asked softly.

Killian grinned. This was how he knew her. "Sure. I'll run you a bath, and you rest until it's ready. "

When he tried to get up she held his hand tightly, "Thank you, Killian."

He nodded, "You don't need to thank me."

Upstairs in the bathroom, the warm water flowed in the bathtub and he added some bath additive. The water ran into the tub, while he went back down to get Milah. She lay on the sofa, her eyes closed.

"Acushla, are you awake?" His heart gave him a pang. He had no right to call her like this anymore, even if he loved her.

"Mhmm."

"Come on," He helped her up and together they went to the bathroom. While she undressed, he left the room to fetch some towels. When he came back, she was in the bathtub. Her hair was pinned up and her eyes were closed.

"I'll put the towels right here." He said, putting the towels on the bathtub ledge.

"Thank you," she murmured.

He shut the door behind him and took a deep breath. Downstairs in the kitchen, he made himself a cup of coffee and sat down in the living room. But now he had enough time to think.

Milah it didn't deserve to live with a lie. His heart was afraid of losing her, but his mind told him, that it was _the only right thing_ to do.

He really didn't want to lie and he knew, that it was cowardly of him, to want to protect himself. But he no longer understood his feelings himself. He loved Milah, but something about Emma didn't let go. There was something, that he couldn't describe. It was not love, but definitely a feeling, that he couldn't really ignore. Maybe it was more a kind of crush?

Killian shook his head. He was not a lovesick teenager. "Stop it!" He said aloud to himself and got up to to get his book.

Half an hour and about 50 pages later, he put the book back to the side, because he heard noises.

Milah was in comfortable clothes and on her way to the bedroom. When she saw him, she stopped.

"Are you better?" Asked Killian, the braced himself at banister.

"No. Not really."

"Is there something I can do for you?"

"A tea would be good."

"Wild Berry?"

Milah tried to smile, "Yes please."

"Go to bed. I'll bring the tea. "

He waited until Milah was gone before the went back down the stairs and put the kettle on.

Cautionary, he even made her a hot water bag. With the hot water bag in one hand and a cup of tea in the other, he entered the bedroom. His wife was in bed with the phone in hand.

He carefully put the hot cup on the nightstand. He held the hot water bag up and gave it to her then. "Perhaps it'll help."

Killian was almost at the door when she started speaking again. "Wait a minute."

Slowly He turned his head in her direction. She patted the edge of the bed, "Come here." He gulped and sat down on the bed beside her.

She put her phone aside, "I wanted to talk to you."

"Okay."

"Well, I've been thinking,"

"About what?"

Milah laughed softly and hit him on the hand, "Killian, let me finish."

"I'm sorry."

"As I said, I've been thinking and maybe I know why I'm not feeling well."

Interrogative, he raised his eyebrows.

She laughed a little nervous "My period is late."

Oh God. "What?" He asked, shocked.

"Maybe I'm pregnant." She said with a smile, "I mean I'm not sure, but it could be possible."

He froze. This can't be true. Can it? Please don't. There could be no less favorable moment.

"Killian?" He heard her ask softly. "Is everything okay?"

He cleared his throat, "Yes, I'm just very surprised."

"I know. I'm surprised too. "

For a brief moment, he closed his eyes. He always wanted a child, or more than one. But not now. Not like this. He wanted children, but not when he was about to confess, that he had cheated on his wife. It couldn't be possible, that she was pregnant. It just couldn't.

And if she was, then he would have a problem. If she really was pregnant and she carried his baby, he couldn't tell her the truth. It would break her heart.

It would make things worse. He was such an asshole.

"We should not have too high hopes. I'm not sure, and if I'm wrong, then it would hurt. "

He just nodded.

"I'm going to make a doctor's appointment tomorrow. Then we know. "

"Okay." He didn't look at her and stood up, "You should rest now, don't forget your tea. If you need anything, I'm downstairs. "

"Alright."

He left the room and closed the door behind him.

Never in his life, he would have thought that he would wish that, but right now only one thought ran through his head: Please don't let her be pregnant.

It was as if the universe want to punish him. And he deserved it, but he wanted to tell her the truth. He didn't want to lie any longer. And if the punishment was a baby, then it was the worst ever, not because it was bad, but because he always wanted to be a father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey! Thanks for reading,
> 
> I hope you liked it. I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it, so pls forgive me ;)
> 
> Thanks so much for the comments, kudos and subscriptions. I really appreciate it.
> 
> Acushla is a Irish word for Darling ;)
> 
> If you have any questions about the Story, just ask :)
> 
> Review?


	8. Waiting For The Right Moment

**Chapter 8: waiting for the right moment**

Unlike else from his alarm clock, he awoke on his own. He yawned and stretched before he reached for his phone to see what time it was. 10:15, no trace of Milah.

He sat up and ran his fingers through his hair. It was raining again. He could hear the raindrops on the glass of the window. His wanted to pull the blanket over his head and go back to sleep, but he knew that wasn't possible. Today he would find out, if he was going to be a father or not.

He hit the blanket aside and stood up. The parquet was cold under his bare feet.

Blind, he was looking for his socks, which he had taken off last night in front of the bed.

When he found them, he put them on and then went to his half of the large wardrobe, where he sought out a white T-shirt and pulled it over.

He could smell the fresh coffee and the radio as he opened the bedroom door and stepped into the hallway.

Carefully, he jogged down the stairs and then went into the kitchen. Milah sat on one of the chairs and flipped through the newspaper when she saw him she smiled at him, "Good morning!"

"Morning."

"I've made coffee." She said and started to get up. Probably, to get a coffee cup out of the cupboard and pour him some coffee.

"It's okay. let me do it." He said, and his wife sat down again. He could feel her gaze on him, with every step he took.

"Why didn't you wake me?" He asked as he poured the fresh, hot coffee into the cup.

"Well, you otherwise have always so much to do and I thought now that you have a few days off and don't to film anything, you can have time to rest. It's good for you if you can sleep in from time to time. "

"Yes, you're right."

When he sat down with a cup of coffee opposite her, she began to speak again. "I've already called the gynecologist." She admitted, and folded her hands.

Killian slightly sipped on his coffee, "And?"

"I have an appointment at 11:30 am. It is best if we take off at 11:15. I hope that's okay for you if you don't have time, then I can go alone or ask for another appointment "

He nodded slightly, "No, no. It fits. "

He couldn't bring himself to eat something. He knew, that he wouldn't get a bite down his throat. Not as long as he didn't know if Milah was pregnant or not.

So he sat at the kitchen table, drinking his coffee and was on his social media sites. Now and then he had to smile when he read the comments of his fans. After the coffee was empty, he put the used cup in the dishwasher and went upstairs.

In the bedroom, he sought out a pair of jeans and a brown sweater. Before he dressed, he took a long, cold shower and brushed his teeth. He took his time. First, because he had plenty of time and secondly because he had to do something in order to not panic completely or to become even more restless.

He pushed the sleeves of a sweater up and then put his pirate necklace, which he wore very often, on.

Down the hallway, he searched for his shoes and put them on, and then went into the kitchen to pick up his phone. Milah put on her jacket and grabbed her purse.

Killian grabbed his jacket and the car keys before he left the house and pulled the door shut behind them. Outside, it still was raining and he quickly pressed the button on the car key, to open it. Milah got in on the passenger side, as he sat down behind the steering wheel. Then He started the car and drove out of the gateway. Both were silent, during the drive, only the songs or the talk on the radio eased the situation a bit.

He knew that she was nervous and so was he. Killian hadn't really slept much, but rather thought about what happens if she was pregnant. It was hell. On the one hand, he was glad to clarify it, on the other hand, he was afraid.

The drive to the doctor took about 10 minutes. After he had found a parking lot, she got out and walked into the doctor's office.

He had only been here once. Two or three years ago, when the two thought, that Milah was pregnant, but she wasn't. Milah went to the registration desk, and he looked around. It hadn't changed much. On the walls, hung pictures, in the corners were some flower pots with different flowers in it.

"Come on." Said Milah and grabbed his hand. Now this feeling came back, that he had now whenever he touched her in any way.

Together they entered the waiting room and sat side by side.

Killian looked around. They were not alone. Opposite him sat a pretty pregnant young woman reading a magazine. He noticed how Milah examined the baby bump of the woman. Angular next to him, sat a couple. They held hands and smiled at each other.

He didn't know how much time passed, but it felt like hours. From time to time, a doctor's assistant came in and called a name. Someone went out and mostly, a few minutes later, someone new came in.

He impatiently tapped his foot on the floor and stopped only when Milah reached after his hand "Hey," she whispered softly. "I know you're nervous, I am as well, but try to calm down a bit."

He tried to smile, "Sorry."

His wife smiled at him, "It's okay."

Several minutes passed again until Milah's name was called. He walked behind her when the doctor's assistant took her to one of the treatment rooms and asked them to have some more patience until the doctor comes.

A few minutes later the doctor came in and greeted them. Killian had to look at the small nameplate to see what her name was. Doctor Miller had shoulder-length, auburn hair and green eyes. She was a little smaller than himself and pretty slim. And under her blouse, he could see a small bulge.

Milah explained the situation briefly, that she thinks she is pregnant but isn't sure.

"Alright," began the doctor, "I think we begin with an all-round check and then draw some blood, for a blood sample. On the basis of the blood, that I will send to the lab, I can determine if you're pregnant. "

Milah nodded "Okay."

Dr. Miller asked her various questions, such as whether she smokes, drinks much alcohol or has any other health problems. Then she palpated his wife, auscultated her lungs and asked then to lie down on the doctor's couch to draw her blood.

"It might sting shortly." Warned Dr. Miller when she positioned the needle. He could see how Milah closed her eyes and breathed in deeply.

After the doctor had drawn enough blood, she pressed a small pad on the slightly bleeding wound. "It'll get tested in the lab on the HCG hormone. The HCG hormone is the pregnancy hormone. At its value, we can determine whether you are pregnant. It usually takes a few hours until we know and are able to tell you, but since not much is going on today, I think that we will have the results in about an hour." The doctor looked back and forth between Milah and him. "It's best to wait in the waiting room or do something else and then come back in an hour."

She took the cotton pad of the puncture wound and taped a plaster on it.

Killian was waiting for a response from his wife, but there was none. "Good. Then we come back." He said and stood up. "Milah?" He asked when she did not move. Any color drained from her face.

"I'm not feeling well. Nausea." She said softly.

Dr. Miller looked up from her computer screen and went over to her. "Take a deep breath, Mrs. Jones."

Milah did what the doctor told her.

"It' possible that you're not feeling now because I drew blood from you. It's normal."

"I don't believe that. I never had a problem with it. "

"Can you give me your arm, please?"

Milah held out her right arm and Dr. Miller put her finger on Milah's wrist to feel the pulse.

"your pulse is very high." She stated. "You described me your symptoms already, nausea and a high pulse are normal in pregnancy, although we should keep an eye on that."

Killian had the feeling as if he had to sit down again. Everything pointed out, that he really was going to be a father and he should be happy, but he wasn't.

"Probably it would be best if you take a walk in the fresh air." The doctor lets go of her arm again "Your husband's with you and if it is not better, then you come back and we'll see, what we can do about it. "

* * *

The fresh air didn't only Milah well. He, too, felt much better. They were lucky, that it was not raining now. The temperature was very pleasant for October, it was not too cold and he enjoyed it, to wander around in nature while the leaves of the trees are orange or red colored.

"Killian?"

He looked at his wife, "Yes?"

"Maybe I just imagine it, but you don't look very happy."

She was right. He wasn't happy.

"I'm just tense, but not unhappy." He was. It was terrible, not to be able to tell her anything. He loved her, but he had cheated on her and he suspected, that he had feelings for another woman.

"Do you think we can fix it? This thing between us? I mean I'm happy with you, but I know, that something is wrong. Do you think we can fix it? "

Probably not.

"I hope so."

* * *

He was pretty tense when they sat in the examination room again and Dr. Miller had the results of the blood tests.

"So," she began. Milah grabbed his hand and his heart gave him a pang "It looks like you are not pregnant, Mrs. Jones."

The first thing he felt was relief. But then he thought of his wife beside him and looked at her. Lightly, he squeezed her hand.

"That can't be true," Milah whispered. "I'm so sure."

"Mrs. Jones, the blood test is very reliable."

"Maybe they made a mistake, thus it had to go so fast."

"That's rather unlikely."

"Milah.." he whispered. He could see her disappointment. They had talked about it yesterday, to not have too high hopes, but he knew it wasn't working with his wife.

"No," she said, and only looked at him and then at Dr. Miller "I am very sure. Please take the test again. "

"Mrs. Jones, I can understand your disappointment," She got no further, because Milah interrupted, "Please." She whispered. The tears in her eyes.

Dr. Miller smiled "Alright. Then we will look again. But this time, we will make a vaginal ultrasound just to be sure. "

"Thank you." Whispered Milah.

The brunette doctor nodded "Okay, then please go in the changing room and strip your jeans and panties."

"Shall I wait outside?" He asked as Milah stood.

"Please stay."

"Okay."

It was not long until Milah sat on the examination chair and the doctor prepared everything. He just sat there and looked around a bit, and hoped to make the situation less unpleasant.

First Dr. Miller said nothing and then she confirmed what she had said just minutes ago.

"You're not pregnant, Mrs. Jones."

Milah remained silent.

"You put your clothes back on, and then we talk, okay?"

"Okay."

His wife disappeared into the changing room and the doctor sat down behind the computer, in front of Killian.

"Don't get me wrong, Mr. Jones, but you look relieved." She said.

"It's better this way," he replied softly, "You may not understand it, but it's for the best. It's just not the right time. "

He got a nod in response, "Yes, sometimes it is really better. I have to talk with you and your wife. I worry about her. "

Killian raised his eyebrows, but Dr. Miller was unable to respond because Milah came to them and sat down next to Killian.

He felt sorry for her. Her expression showed any emotion and it looked like he'd been crying.

"Why all the symptoms? My period is late, I felt sick, I didn't feel well generally, I had to throw up. "

"Sometimes our own body tricks us."

Milah remained silent.

"I don't want to allege anything, but you worry me a little, Mrs. Jones."

"Why?"

"In your medical records is written down, that you came a few months ago with the same symptoms. You also thought that you might be pregnant. "

What? Why didn't he know about this?

"What?" He asked, looking at Milah "Why didn't you tell me anything?"

Milah shook her head "I don't know. I was afraid."

"Mrs. Jones, I am of the opinion, that it might be better if you seek professional help. "

Killian's glance soared to the doctor and he tried to calm his wife while she burst into tears.

"All signs point to a pseudopregnancy. Or at least something that goes in this direction. "

Milah sobbed.

"A phantom pregnancy?" He asked.

"Yes, that might sound weird, but it's possible. The women think that they are pregnant, because of all the evidence. The absence of their period, nausea, the breasts hurt, even the belly can grow. "

Even if it hurts him, he could not look at longer at how Milah sat weeping beside him and reached for her hand. Slowly he stroked his thumb repeatedly over back of her hand.

"Often the psyche plays a major role. It's often responsible for the symptoms even if the woman is not really pregnant. Often the wish for child or pressure is the reason why. Mrs. Jones, I don't want to hurt you by saying this, but it is my duty to inform you about it. "

"It's okay. Please continue. " Said Milah and looked at Dr. Miller.

"You wish for a baby for a really long time now, am I right?"

His wife nodded "Yes."

"I thought so."

"You know, Killian is an actor and unfortunately rarely home. He has much to do and we have talked to a doctor, who said that it can also come from the stress. "

"Stress plays a big role. Did you let yourselves investigate before? "She asked, and looked Milah and then at him.

But he only shook his head in response.

"And I think there are still many other things between you, that you should talk about." Said Dr. Miller, "You have withheld your husband, that you were here before, and I think there's a lot more. Why don't you go home and talk to each other?"

He had to swallow before he could answer, "All right."

* * *

"Would you like something to drink?" He asked Milah, who had sat down on the sofa.

"No thanks."

For a moment he disappeared into the kitchen to get a glass of water before he sat down beside his wife.

"We need to talk." She began.

"Aye. Perhaps that would be the best. "

"I'm not crazy, Killian." She looked at him with wide eyes, "I don't contrive these pregnancies."

"No one said you do, Milah. I know that you're not crazy, but I also know. that there are other reasons. "

He took a sip of water and watched her as she looked down at her hands.

She breathed out loud before she began to speak, "I don't know. We are a couple for so long, Killian. We are married for six years and I just wonder if it's not about time. I know you're busy and you love your job, but we always wanted children. "

She paused and exhaled briefly. "I really want a baby, Killian." She admitted ruefully "I constantly think about it. All my friends have children or are pregnant. "

"And a few months ago you also thought, that you're pregnant." He said. When she remained silent, he continued.

"Are you feeling pressured?" He asked softly.

A small tear rolled down her cheek and she nodded, "I am already 30, Killian. I'm not getting younger. And I was so sure, that I'm pregnant. "

He could understand her concerns. Really, but he didn't know how he could help her. He couldn't help her.

"I would like to lay down now," Milah whispered and stood up. He just nodded as she passed him and went up the stairs. What should he do now?

Without thinking twice, he reached for his phone and dialed the number of his brother, who answered after the third ring.

"Killian?"

"I need your help."

"What happened? Did you tell her? "

Killian remained silent for a moment, "No."

"Why not?" Hissed his brother. "You wanted to tell her."

"I know." Killian hissed back "There was a small incident."

"What happened?"

"We were at the doctors. She thought she was pregnant. "

"What?! You can't be serious, brother!"

"Calm down! She is not pregnant but devastated. The doctor said it could possibly have been a pseudopregnancy and that she might need to start a therapy. I can't tell her right now. "

He could hear his older brother sighing "Killian," he began, "That's a shitty situation, but please stop to kick it down the road. Stop to use everything as an excuse. You have to tell her. The sooner, the better. "

"She is too sad, Liam. She might need medical treatment, shall I then break her heart even more? "

"Looks like you have to."

"Liam." He whispered.

"You broke her heart weeks ago when you had sex with this girl. She just knows nothing about it. You're running away from the truth because you're afraid. You're acting like a coward and I know you're not, but you have to stop. "

"I know, I'm _waiting for the right moment_ for it."

"There is no right moment, Killian."

"But she's so sad."

He could hear his brother sigh "It's your decision. I said enough. "

* * *

**Emma's POV:**

It still was difficult to go to her mother's grave. The wind whistled around her and ruffled her hair. The Red, orange and brown leaves under her boots were wet and slippery. Her hands were buried in her jacket pockets, while she came closer to the grave. She felt uncomfortable and wanted to turn around and leave, but she felt obliged.

After the funeral, she had stayed at Gerda and her cousins for several days, before they had trusted to home. It had smelled of her mom and everything was just as Ingrid had left it. Together with her aunts and her cousins she had begun to tidy up the house and bring everything to where it belongs. Emma hadn't dared to go into the bedroom. She just couldn't.

But the sessions with Dr. Davids, a middle - by the end of 30-year-old brunette-haired, slender woman, helped her. Mostly she visited the practice of their psychologist twice a week. On Tuesdays and Fridays, they spoke abut an hour. Emma was able to tell her how she was doing, what might wasn't good, what made her even sadder and how she could deal with the grief.

On other days they did a few exercises that should help her in certain situations. In addition, she received pills that helped her. Meanwhile, the dosage was less and less and she hoped, that she could stop taking them until the premiere, even if she knew, that the premiere and so the public would be a great burden.

The grass in front of the grave of her mother was covered with leaves of the trees and before Emma knelt down, she wiped a few smaller leaves from the gravestone.

"I miss you, Mom."

For a few minutes, she squats in front of the grave. The premiere of The lonely thorn would be her first major performance in public, after the death. And in a certain way she looked forward to it.

She looked forward to finally see Mary Margaret again, and August and Andy, and of course Killian. Without him, she probably wouldn't have survived the first few weeks. She missed him very much. Lately, the contact between them was no longer as pronounced as in the beginning, but she knew, that he had free time and spent it with his family. Nevertheless, she couldn't stop thinking of him, thinking about their night.

"Mom, I have made a mistake." She admitted as she thought of Killian's wife. Emma didn't notice the steps behind "I've slept with a married man."

"Emma," For a brief moment, she thought it was her mother who talked to her until she realized that it was impossible.

First she didn't dare to turn around, but when she did, she found Elsa a few feet behind her.

"You did what?" Asked Elsa.

Emma cleared her throat, "What are you doing here?"

"Well, I know you usually briefly come here, after your meetings and I thought maybe you'd need someone to talk to."

Elsa was wearing a white, with lace overlooked skirt, a mint colored shirt, and her also mint-colored coat. Her hair was as usual braided over one shoulder. In keeping with the shirt and the coat, she was wearing a little white bag and fitting shoes. Around her neck, she wore the snow chain, that Anna gave her not so long ago.

"That's very kind of you." Emma said, standing up. She would never understand why Elsa was still running around in a skirt in October. "Aren't you cold?"

"The cold has never bothered me. You know that."

She was right. Even as a Children when she and Anna were already half-frozen, the cold never bothered her.

"What have you done?" Emma knew exactly what her cousin meant. She had heard her.

"You know that."

"You have entrusted you mother, not me. I just, unfortunately, got in the way. "

After a brief look on the grave, the two went back to the path, that led her away from the grave. Emma looked at the floor and covered with leaves exhaled "I slept with a Married Man." She repeated.

Elsa nodded, but Emma knew she wasn't really happy with it, "How could you do that?" Said Elsa reproachfully.

"I don't know. It just happened."

"Have ever thought about his wife for a second?!"

Emma stopped abruptly and looked at her cousin slightly accusingly, "You're kidding me right?" Elsa cocked her head.

"Of course I thought about his wife and I feel like an ass so, but the night was beautiful. I'm not going to forget about it, I won't forget about him. "

"It's Killian, isn't it?"

She gulped and nodded slightly "Damn, I do feel sorry, for him, for his wife, for the situation in which we find ourselves now, but I don't want to lose him."

They started to walk again and Elsa linked arms with her "There's more."

Now it was Emma who looked at Elsa "What do you mean?"

"There's more, you're not telling me everything."

She shook her head "No, there's nothing else."

"I can tell if you're lying to me, Emma. So what is it? What aren't you telling me? "

Emma laughed contrived "Nothing."

"Stop it. Tell me. " Elsa demanded..

"There is no more."

Her cousin groaned and stopped "Emma Swan, I am your cousin and your friend, we grew up together and I know you so well, as almost no one else. I know when you lie to me or aren't telling me something and that you are doing right now, and you can try to cover up or deny it, but it will bring you nothing, so please stop and tell me what's going on. "

Such statements were not uncommon for Elsa.

Emma defensively raised her Hands "Okay, okay. You're right. There's more. "

For a brief moment, a contented smile spread across the face of her cousin, before her expression became serious again, "Oh please don't tell me, that you two have done it again."

"What?!" She asked, shocked "No, no. What do you even think about? "

"I just wanted to be sure." After a brief pause, Elsa continued, "You were not caught and now threatened with scandalous photos of you, right?"

Emma laughed, "No!"

Her mind wandered back to the night in Berlin. She still remembered it exactly. How he had looked, how he smelled, how he looked at her. His wife was damn luck with him.

"Oh my God!" Elsa tore her out of her thoughts.

"What?" She asked.

"This dreamy gaze into the distance, this shy eyes and that smirk on your face. You're acting like a pubescent teenager. "

Emma cocked her head and pulled her eyebrows "I don't." She defended herself.

"You have feelings for him." Elsa determined slightly shocked. "I can't believe you have feelings for him. That was what you didn't want to tell me! You're in love with him! "

Emma looked embarrassed at her feet. She felt herself blushing, but tried to cover it up "Not true."

"Oh yes, it is true."

"Elsa, stop it." She buried her hands deeper into the pockets.

"You should stop to lie to me."

"Okay! In love with him is a bit exaggerated. I'm not in love with him, but I've probably, definitely feelings for him. "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know this chapter is a bit late and I'm sorry for it, but I hope you liked it.
> 
> All mistakes in it are mine, so please forgive me. 
> 
> There's not much CS in the last chapters, but I promise it'll get better. Hopefully soon.
> 
> Thanks for the Kudos/ Subscriptions/ Comments. 
> 
> If you have any questions about the Story or my other stories, feel free to ask.
> 
> Reviews make my day and Feedback it always good. 
> 
> Thanks for reading! Until next time (Probably won't be until end of next week)


	9. The Truth

**Chapter 9: The truth.**

**Killian's POV**

Liam was right. He couldn't whitewash it any longer or run from it. Three days had passed in which he has agonized over whether he should tell Milah or not. His answer was no.

Milah was a bit better now, she wasn't too sad, but plunged into the work to distract herself.

He had been for no until he had seen a quote during a meeting with his manager. "Heroes do what's right, not what's easy."

Though he wasn't a hero, but he definitely wanted to do the right thing. He would tell her. Soon she would come home from work, and he would have enough time to tell her. Nervously, he bit down on his lower lip, staring at the clock.

The minute hand pointing on a quarterly past four. His muscles tensed with nervousness as he heard the car drove into the driveway. It felt like hours until he heard the front door fall shut and his wife, or perhaps he should rather say ex-wife, came through the living room door.

"Hey."

"Hey."

"Is everything okay?" She asked, slightly worried. She tried to overact it, but even through her makeup, he could see the dark shadows under her eyes.

He couldn't do it. Not now. "Yes," he said, trying to act less tense "Everything is fine. How about you? How was the work?"

She smiled "It is stressful and there is much to be done. My boss is on holiday, and now I'm pretty busy."

He nodded slightly "Don't overexert yourself."

"I won't. I promise." After a few seconds where neither of them said a word, she went into the kitchen and he cursed himself for his cowardice.

"How about you?" She called from the kitchen. He hated this kind of conversation, so he got up and followed her. In the kitchen, he leaned against the doorframe and watching her as she put the kettle on.

"Pretty good, there are some new film offers for me." She turned around and leaned against the countertop. "That sounds great. Is this something that appeals to you? "

He cleared his throat, "Yes, it is. A few films sound pretty good, to be honest. For one, they only want me as the lead actor. The agent has practically begged that I take a look at the offer. "

Milah laughed "That's good, isn't it?"

"Aye, that it is."

"Are you interested?"

He nodded, "Very much. I have a few days to decide about it, and if I want to do it, I some time need to fly to Los Angeles for the casting of the female lead. And then there are a few movies where I want to audition. For the one, I have already received the appropriate script. "

"When is the casting?"

"The day-after-tomorrow in London, so I won't be here for a few days. Is that okay for you? "

She turned briefly to fetch the tea bag from the cup "Sure. I'm happy for you."

"I hope I can convince them. The role sounds really great. "

"Oh sure. They'd be stupid if they wouldn't cast you. You have so much talent. "

He had always loved her. She always supported him, always backed him up and always has motivated him to go on.

"And then soon I'll get the next scripts for castings."

"And then soon is the premiere."

A queasy feeling was spreading in his stomach. He would see Emma.

"Right."

"So that was it with your days off?"

"Aye, certainly looks that way."

She nodded slightly, "If that's so, then I would like to go into the living room."

"Okay."

She took the cup of tea with her and walked towards the door. He was tired of it. He didn't want to conceal it any longer.

"Milah. Please wait."

Milah stopped and looked at him a little confused.

"You asked if everything was fine, and I answered with yes, but I lied. There's something that you should finally know. Something I should have told you way earlier, but it couldn't because I was afraid. "

Now there was no turning back.

"Okay?" She asked, and he could see the concern in her eyes. He didn't want to tell her in the kitchen, so they sat on the sofa in the living room.

"I've already noticed that something is wrong."

He nodded "Yes, I know. When we were at the doctor, and you asked me whether I think we fix that between us, I said, that I hope it. "

She nodded slowly.

"And I mean it. I hope so, but if I'm honest, I don't think that it will happen. "

"What happened?" She asked softly.

He took a deep breath and closed his eyes for a few seconds, "I want you to know that I love you."

"Kilian, what happened? What aren't you telling me?" Her voice was a little louder now.

How could he break it gently? The question could answer itself. He couldn't. He couldn't break it to her gently because there was no gentle variant for what he had done.

He cleared his throat and tried to find the right words. "On the promotional tour, something happened, and there is no excuse for it."

Stuttering he exhaled "The truth why I behaved so strangely in recent weeks," His voice broke, and he had to pause for a few seconds "Is that I cheated on you." It was just a little louder than a whisper, but a sense of relief came over him when he finally confessed it.

First, Milah remained silent, she had to process first what he had just told her, but then tears sprang into her eyes, "What?" She whispered.

That was the moment where the feeling of relief vanished, and once again he felt like the worst asshole ever. He couldn't repeat it again.

"I'm sorry." He brought out in a whisper. He saw the disbelief in her eyes and the pain. Tears streamed down her cheeks, but she said nothing.

"With whom?" She asked, and he had hoped that this issue would not arise.

"Milah," he began.

"Who?!" She demanded, this time much louder and firmer.

"That doesn't matter."

"That doesn't matter?!" She jumped up from the sofa and took a few steps before she turned back to him "It's Emma, isn't it?"

"What?"

"Drop the act!" She hissed at him. His heart gave stang, because it hurt when she spoke to him like that, but then again, what did he expect? What had he deserved?

"I knew it!" She continued when he remained silent. "I've always seen how you made eyes. I know that you always liked her. "

For a brief moment, he looked at his hands. "And she always liked you," she added, before her anger vanished for a moment, and she began to sob.

"How could you do that?! Ten years, Killian! We are a couple for ten years and what are you doing? You throw it away for a one-night-stand with a cheap slut.

We have been married for six years, damn! We wanted a baby! " She hissed at him.

He couldn't say anything and he didn't want to say anything because no words in the world could express his feelings that he felt at this moment.

"Why?! Tell me why!" Her eyes were all red from tears. "Damn answer me!"

"I don't know. It just happened." He whispered.

"In Berlin, am I right?" With her fingers, she drove through her hair as he nodded slightly.

"I knew it. I have seen pictures of you. You danced and laughed, and I knew that this bitch wanted more. "

"Milah. Stop."

She could insult him, curse him, hate him, but she should leave Emma from the battlefield even though that was impossible.

Milah laughed mockingly "Of course! Now you protect her. Because she turns you on, isn't she? Damn, she's still a little girl! Barely out of puberty, but young is always good, right? "

"Stop it, Milah."

"No, was that the reason? That I'm thirty and don't look like a model? "

"No!"

"No? Just look at her! With her blonde hair, green eyes, perfect body, matching big tits, nice ass. That's all what you wanted, or not? Wasn't I good enough? "

"You know that's not true."

"Oh, do I? Did you at least have fun cheating on me? Forget me while you've fucked her?! "

For a brief moment, his eyes met hers, and she seemed to realize something that made her even angrier.

"I'm sorry." Even though he knew, that those words wouldn't change anything, he had to try.

"It was surely nice to take a young, perfect woman or not?!"

"Enough!" Now he jumped up from the sofa "That's not the reason. You were - you are always enough for me. I married you, because, in my eyes, there was no woman more perfect than you. Because I have loved you, and I still do. "

It sounded wrong and he knew she would not believe him, even if he hoped so.

Again, she let out a bitter laugh, "Where is the boy I fell in love with? The small, shy, sweet boy who never thought in life because a girl even to speak. "

"He's grown up." He did not say, but it's him just slipped out.

She said nothing, but her expression said it all.

"You disgust me." She spat in his face. Her voice was strong and loud. He could clearly hear the anger, the frustration, and the disbelief. The tears rolled down her cheeks, and her mascara was blurred.

"I hate you." Was the last thing she said to him before she disappeared upstairs. And she was right. He hated this feeling. She had every right to hate him.

After a short time, she came down the stairs again with a small travel bag and grabbed her keys.

She wanted to leave the house, but Killian interrupted her "Where are you going?" He whispered softly, not to provoke her even more. Distance was probably the best.

"Away from you." She snapped without looking at him. "I can't see your face anymore."

So she left the house. He could still hear how her car rolled out of the gateway, and then everything was deadly silent.

* * *

He spent the following night with beer and pizza and more beer. When he finally fell asleep on the sofa, it was already half-past one in the morning.

The following morning was hard. He had to take several aspirins to cope with his hangover.

He found it hard to motivate himself to anything and when his phone rang, he narrowed his eyes. He didn't even look at the display but answered immediately.

"You told her?" Liam's voice spoke through his phone.

"Don't talk so loud!" Killian hissed at his brother, slightly annoyed.

"So you have told her and then got drunk."

"Yes, I told her and she wasn't pleased."

"Aye, we both knew that beforehand."

"Why do you even know about it?"

"You called me last night, left voice mails and sent me messages ?!"

"Oh fuck, I don't remember anything, what happened after 8:30."

"That's what I thought. Better pray, that you haven't sent her twenty messages. "

"Oh bloody hell, please don't." He groaned.

"So how did she take it?"

"She hates me, Liam. She told called me different things, yelled at me, she alleged things, before left the house. "

"You deserve it."

"Aye, I know that I deserve it. However, it hurts anyway. "

"You have done only right, Killian. Although this may be the worst on earth at first, you did the right thing. And who knows, maybe she can forgive you. "

"Doesn't look like it." He took a sip of his extra-strong coffee.

"Of course, it doesn't look like it now. You' just told her what you've done. Give her time. "

"Aye."

"What you need now is a distraction. I wanted to take Ella for a long walk. Why do not you come along? You get fresh air, and we can talk. And as long as you have time, you go to bed and sleep. "

He nodded before he realized that his brother could not see him, "Alright."

"Oh, and the best you check times, whether and if so what, you have texted Milah last night."

Oh, gods.

"We meet at half past 3 at my place, okay? Then you have plenty of time to sleep off your hangover. "

"Okay. See you later. "

He took another sip of his coffee and looked at his text messages from yesterday.

"Oh, bloody hell." He cursed when he found out, that he had actually written Milah. First, he didn't want to read the messages, but then he dared to take a look.

Fortunately, it was not quite as bad as he had thought it would be. He wrote a few times that he's sorry, that he missed her, or that she should come back.

It was still kind of embarrassing. He knew, that she needed time for herself, and he respected that, even if it hurt.

But he was really shocked when he saw, that he wrote Emma too. One of the first messages was "I told her." Then came "My marriage is over." And "She offended you as a bitch, but you're not. Believe me ;)"

"Oh God." He ran his hand over his face.

Emma had even replied "It's my fault. I am sorry :/"

Then he had written, "It's not your fault, babe ;/"

Had he really called babe?

"It is, Killian :(" she had answered.

"Don't worry about it."

After that, none of them had written anything for about an hour until he had begun again with "I miss you, Ems 3"

"Oh bloody hell. That's not possible!" He swore under his breath as he read the message.

"I miss you too 3" she had answered.

"I'm so glad that I met you."

"Haha me too."

After that, he hadn't replied. Nevertheless, now he felt the urge to write her to elucidate the situation. "Hey, I'm sorry about yesterday, apparently drank too much

He stumbled up the stairs to the bedroom. Only when he was in bed, he wondered if that was really a good idea. He should share this bed with his wife, and everything reminded him of it.

But he couldn't combat the fatigue and closed his eyes.

When he woke again, his headache was much better and a few hours had passed. In an hour, he would be with Liam, so he stood up and sought out something to wear.

The cold water, that flowed over his body, in the shower, washed away the last fatigue, and he felt good and fresh.

With a towel around his hips, he brushed his teeth, before he dressed and went down for something to eat. He took his phone. Emma answered him.

"It's okay. I thought so :)"

"Okay, thank you;)" He tapped quickly and hit the send button.

He searched for his shoes and grabbed his jacket.

The drive to Liam took less than 15 minutes, and he was happy when he learned, that Claire wasn't home. So it was just him, his brother and his goddaughter.

Liam opened the front door with Ella in his arms and greeted him. "Are you feeling better?"

"My headache Yes, everything else not really." He replied as he walked past his brother in the hallway.

"You knew in advance, that you would ruin everything, yet you did the right thing."

Killian nodded slightly "Shall we talk the walk now or later?"

"Yes, we can do it now. I just need to put Ella her jacket on and put her in the pram, then we can go. "

His brother disappeared, and he looked at the pictures that were on the shelf in the living room. He saw them hundreds of times.

Wedding pictures of Liam and Claire, photos of Ella alone, Ella with two parents, alone with Liam and with Claire, family photos, and one that he has not seen for ages. A photo of Liam and him a few years ago, while sailing. He still remembered that day. It had been warm and sunny. A bit windy and no gray cloud in the sky.

"I recently found it." He heard Liam say. He slightly turned his head to his brother.

"I like this photo of us." He said.

"Aye, me too. Too bad that you have only a little time." Said his brother, and he could hear the sadness in his voice. "I miss those times." He added.

"Me too, Liam. I miss it too. "

When he came home at night, the house was completely dark. It was weird that no one was waiting for him. Sighing, he went the way to the bedroom to pack his bag for London, and then he would have to learn the script.

Maybe it was just fine to get out of Ireland for a few days, and eventually, he could then once again talk to Milah.

He entered a room, that was something like his office, and his eyes got stuck on his guitar. He had not played it for months.

It even looked as if a thin layer of dust on it was. He went over to the instrument and ran his fingers over it. Sometimes he really thought about whether he should take a break more often.

After his favorite instrument was freed from the dust, he grabbed his bag and brought it down to where he sat down on the sofa, with the script in his hands.

He cooked dinner, ate something and went to bed afterward. His alarm clock would wake him up tomorrow at half past three and half past 7 his plane would leave to London.

**Emma's POV:**

**A few days later**

She already had become accustomed to the flashlights of the cameras, but Elsa, who posed with her, seemed a little tense. She wore a bright rose-colored, long-sleeved, floor-length, couture dress by Elie Saab, with some ornaments on the upper portion of the dress. Her hair was pinned up.

Elsa's hair was pinned up too. She wore a beautiful, light blue, floor-length dress by Zuhair Murad, that she had received from Emma for her birthday. She still remembered how her cousin had seen it the first time. Elsa had loved it, and Emma knew this color would be perfect on her.

The screaming and yelling of the photographers annoyed her a little. She hardly knew herself where she should look at. Elsa left her side, and she posed for photographers on the New York Fashion Week.

Then she has been pulled aside for some interviews. Several security guards made sure, that she and Elsa were safe. Emma didn't know exactly with whom she did the interview here, so she simply smiled and waited until the interviewer asked some questions. First, they asked about her dress. Which designer, what year and what collection.

Thereafter, they wanted to know if she liked the Fashion Week and then began the questions to "The lonely thorn." She told a little about the movie and the time on set, answered every question, but one question threw her off track.

"You know, it's rumored if something is going on between you and Killian Jones. Can you tell us more about it? "

For a brief moment, she was caught off guard, and she didn't know how to answer that question. She could only hope that she didn't look too surprised. She also felt Elsa's slightly worried gaze on her, but she started to smile.

"You know, I have no idea who spread those rumors, but I can tell you, that there is nothing. Killian is happily married to his wife, who is, incidentally, absolutely lovely, and we are friends. So I ask you now, if it isn't a little irreverent, to ask questions like this one? It is Killian's, Milah's and my privacy, which should also be retained and respected. Thank you."

She left and turned to Elsa, who smiled proudly. Together they entered the building, where the after-show party was.

"Well acted." Said Elsa.

"Do you think so?"

"Yes, that's what I think."

"Maybe I Looked too shocked."

"No," confirmed her cousin "You concealed it perfectly. But what I was wondering about was, why do they even asked questions like this?"

"Believe me, I asked myself the same question, and I have no idea."

Together they spent a nice evening among themselves. From time to time, Emma chatted with a few models or designers, but most of the evening she spent with Elsa.

Tomorrow night she would fly back home and come back next week, because then, The lonely thorn had world premiere. She had waited so long for this night.

On the fourth of November in New York, then on the sixth of November, the European premiere would take place in Berlin.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!
> 
> So the truth is out! I hope you liked it. Feel free to leave a Review with your thoughts. 
> 
> Also a huge thanks for all the kudos& subscriptions :)
> 
> The NY Fashion week is not in october, but in September. I just changed it for this chapter. And the Quote I used at the beginning is a Quote from OUAT. Snow said it in season 4 :)
> 
> If you want to see the Dresses Emma& Elsa wore
> 
> Elsa: fashion-shows/spring-2015-couture/zuhair-murad/slideshow/collection#34
> 
> Emma: /elie-saab-3997 (you have to click on the right arrow, then on the thumbnails button, it'll start with red Dresses, just scroll down until the pink or rose one's. It'll start with a short Dress, the Dress after it is the one I used for Emma)
> 
> I'm sorry if there are any mistakes in it, and because of that I thought about looking for a Beta reader! So if you're interested pls tell me :)
> 
> I'm also on tumblr now, so you can follow me there too. I mostly blog about CS ;)  
> http://xthecaptainssaviorx.tumblr.com/
> 
> I'm looking Forward to it!


	10. Signed papers

**Chapter 10: Signed papers**

Annoyed, he exhaled when he threw his keys on the dresser in the hallway. He wanted to sleep. He took off his jacket and only started to listen attentively when he heard voices coming out of the living room.

Killian put his jacket aside and took a few steps toward the voices. He stopped in the doorway and watched what is happening before his eyes.

Milah and one of her friends named Zoey were there. A travel bag standing on the sofa next to it lay some of her clothes.

"Killian." Whispered Milah softly when she saw him in the doorway. She looked terrible. Among her eyes were dark shadows, and her eyes were red and swollen. Her curly hair was tied together in a ponytail.

According to Zoey's judging Looks, she knew. Of course, she knew. Probably each of her friends already knew.

"Hello." He brought out a whisper.

Then silence prevailed.

"I just wanted to pick up a few things. I didn't know that you now come back, otherwise, I would have done it another time."

He gulped and nodded.

Zoey packed the remaining things into the bag and zipped up.

"Come Milah." She said and went without giving him another glance. Milah went after a little slower.

"Perhaps," He began, and was surprised when he saw that she stopped and looked at him, "Perhaps we can talk again." He whispered. She would say no. He knew she would say no and he could understand it, but he had to try. He would regret it later if he wouldn't ask.

"Probably not." She whispered back.

"It doesn't have to be today or tomorrow, but maybe someday."

She waited a few seconds, "Maybe someday." With that, she disappeared through the front door to the outside and left him alone in the house. For a few seconds he stared at the front door.

 

**Two days later**

As if he didn't have enough problems, now the press also got attention to his situation. He had read an article, where Emma was asked about them.

He threw the gossip rag away and ran his hands through his hair. And when he now appeared to the world premiere without his wife, more rumors would arise. But he could not demand that from her. Not in this situation.

On the other hand, it was a way to keep the press at bay. Not only to his interests but also for the sake of his wife. He didn't want paparazzi besieging her or constantly asking questions.

Killian was a little confused when the doorbell rang. When he opened the front door, and his wife stood before him, he was even more confused. She said nothing but immediately walked past him into the living room. After Killian closed the door, he followed her.

"This has to stop." She said softly and dug one of gossip rags out of her purse. She threw it on the table in front of her. He knew she was determined and wanted to be expressive, but her voice was too gentle for that.

"I know." He whispered before he sat down across from her in the armchair.

For a few brief moments they held eye contact, but then Milah breathed out and dropped down on the sofa.

"I can't do this, Killian. The situation between us is hard enough, and I can't deal with this too."

He nodded, "I know, I wanted to talk to you about it anyway."

"There's nothing to talk about. Make it stop."

"I'll try it."

"Good."

There was silence again.

"There would be a very simple solution." He began, although he wanted to spare her.

"And what's that?"

"If the press would see that everything is okay between us, then they would be silenced."

"But nothing is okay between us!"

"I know that, Milah. But they don't need to know."

"And how will you do that?"

"Listen, I don't want to do this to you and I can understand if you say no, but if you would appear with me at the premiere, then that would be a statement."

She thought about it. He could see it in her eyes.

"You don't need to do that, but it would be the easiest way." He whispered.

"And after that, they will leave me alone?"

"I think for a certain time they will be quiet. At least until we know what will happen with us.."

She didn't react to that. "I'm doing it. This one evening. For this one night, I'm going to play the happy wife at your side, and then you leave me alone, all right?"

He had to swallow "Got it. I know that you need time, but do you think that we could talk?"

She stared at him and he saw that she tried to blink back tears,

"What more needs to be said, Killian? Didn't you say everything?"

"I know that it is too early to ask this, but does our marriage still make sense?" He whispered. He knew it was his fault, "Do you think you can forgive me?"

"You want the truth?" She asked, "I don't know. Makes a marriage sense if I can no longer trust you? Or if you have feelings for someone else? I don't know if I can ever forgive you, Killian. I need time to figure it out.."

He didn't know what to say because she was right.

"When should I be here?"

"The flight's on November fourth at ten in the morning."

"I have nothing suitable to wear." She stated.

"Don't worry. I take care of everything."

* * *

 

**Day of the Premiere**

While he got ready in the master bedroom of the suite, his wife was in a smaller, cozy bedroom at the end of the hall.

In an hour they would eat out with some of his fellow actors in one of the most exclusive restaurants in the city of New York.

He had just buttoned his dark blue shirt and now waited in the living room of the suite.

"Can I wear this or is it not elegant enough?" She asked when she came out of her room.

She wore dark blue jeans, a blouse, a navy blazer and a necklace.

"You look pretty."

"So I don't need to change my clothes?"

He shook his head slightly, "No way."

Some of his fellow actors were in the restaurant when they arrived. For example, Mary Margaret and Victor with his girlfriend Ruby.

"Killian!" Greeted Victor him a little louder than He should.

"Hey." He hugged his friends shortly "You remember my wife, Milah?"

Milah put a perfect smile on "Nice to see you again."

"Find your seats." Said Mary Margaret, pointing at two chairs across from her.

He sat between Milah and Victor. They talked about Victor's new film, then briefly about Ruby's new fashion campaign for Gucci and Mary Margaret's busy schedule.

And then came Emma in. He instantly felt Milah tense beside him.

Mary Margaret jumped up and ran into Emma's arms.

"You look great!" He heard the short-haired say.

"Thank you, you look fabulous too." He had missed hearing her voice.

Together, they came across. She really looked great.

"Hey!" Greeted Emma before she embraced Ruby, then Victor and then came over to him. He noticed that she was slightly nervous, but he did not let himself be deterred and hugged her "It's nice to see you again."

She pressed herself against him for a moment "It's also nice to see you again."

They let go of each other and he saw how insecure Emma was with Milah, but Milah got up and hugged Emma briefly.

Both he and Emma were obviously surprised. That will have cost damn much overcoming and acting talent.

Emma sat down next to Mary Margaret. Directly across from him.

During the meal, they occasionally threw each other glances. Emma smiled then and looked down.

"Excuse me." Said Milah, grabbed her purse and walked toward the restroom.

"What's the matter with you two?" Asked Victor.

He swallowed "What do you mean?"

"The last time I saw you together, you were much happier." He noted and tried to make eye contact with him again.

"It's currently not so easy."

"What happened?" Asked Mary Margaret. "Has it something to do with your baby wish?"

"More or less. Let's just say something happened that's not so easy to forget. We are working on it, but we don't know what it, or we will become."

It was not a lie. He had no idea what would happen to them. Killian also knew that Milah didn't go because she wanted to freshen up, but because she couldn't bear it anymore. He felt Emma's eyes on him.

He tried to act as normal as possible for the rest of the time in the restaurant. Milah hardly said anything at all and avoided Emma's glances.

Killian could not imagine how she must feel. Sitting opposite the woman who had slept with her husband.

When they were back at the hotel, Milah went straight to her bedroom and did not come out again until he knocked on her door.

"It is about time that we get ready. Soon the stylists for you will come. I have you picked out three dresses in a pre-selection with my stylist, but I'll leave the decision which dress you'll wear to you."

Milah nodded and ran her hand through her hair, "Thank you, Killian."

"It's the least I can do. If you still need something just let me know. I'm going take a shower now."

"Okay."

 

**Emma's POV**

She put her earrings on and then she was done. One of the stylists came again to fix her hair with hair spray.

After that, she looked in the giant mirror of the dressing-room. Her long sleeve, hollyhock purple gown by Zuhair Murad was perfect for her. Up to her waist, it was a smooth, a slightly shiny fabric. From her waist, it was then a sheer fabric with flower embroidery that covered her body. The embroidery went down to her wrists.

Her hair had been pinned up in a loose bun.

"Are you ready, Mrs. Swan?" Asked one of the security guards who would accompany her to the premiere.

Emma nodded "Yes, I am."

The ride to the premiere didn't take long. As she sat in the car, she thought of her mother. Emma wished that she would be here with her. Emma blinked away the tears that were in her eyes.

"Not today." She whispered to herself. "Tonight you're going to have fun, laugh a lot and make your fans happy."

Actually, Elsa would have accompanied her, but because of her study, it, unfortunately, was impossible.

She was pulled out of her thoughts as the car door was opened and she heard the screaming of the fans. It was an incredible feeling. Immediately, a smile spread across her lips and she climbed out of the car.

The flashes of cameras blinded her for a few seconds before she decided to ignore it and went to one side of the red carpet to the fans.

Many stretched out her things to sign or wanted to take pictures with her. Before she could give everyone an autograph she was sent to the other side of the carpet, by her manager.

Always beside or behind her were several security men, her managers and her stylists.

"You have to go to the photo call in a few minutes and then give some interviews." She was told when she signed some photos or drawings.

She was feet away from the beginning of the red carpet as the screaming of fans grew louder again. Presumably, Killian had arrived.

At the photo call, she was photographed by hundreds of photographers. The pictures would go around the whole world. She made different poses and tried to satisfy all photographers.

As she posed along with Mary Margaret, Killian, and his wife appeared a few feet away from them.

He wore a black suit, in which he looked amazingly good. Milah wore a lilac, long dress. With a small, lilac belt around her waist. Her wavy hair as always.

Killian gave her a small smile when he discovered her, and Emma smiled back before she focused on the posing again.

A short time later Milah left Killian's side, and he came over to her. Halfway, she went to meet him and the two hugged each other when they met. She hardly noticed the flurry of camera flashes around them.

Together with Killian she posed again.

"Ready?" He whispered into her ear.

She slightly shook her head "No."

"No?" He asked with a grin.

"No." she confirmed, smiling.

She felt his eyes on her and she looked at him.

"It'll be alright." His hand pressed lightly against her waist.

"I hope so."

Then they posed for the group photo. Everyone who had taken part in shooting the film was on it. Then another one followed with the actors and the directors.

* * *

 

After she had been so many autographs as humanly possible, she and Killian were sent inside the building for an interview. She sat down next to a red, classy looking sofa.

Opposite them sat a young woman who would interview them. Multiple cameras filmed it.

"I am very happy that I have both of you here now."

"So are we," Killian answered and looked at Emma. Emma looked back at him with a smile.

"So it's finally time, today is the world premiere. This film was expected for some time now, how do you feel about it?"

"Great," Killian began "It's always a new experience, and that's the fans finally can see the result is wonderful."

"For me personally it's really exciting. It is great fun to meet the fans that are, incidentally, out there in the cold, and to be able to talk to them. The day after tomorrow is the European premiere in Berlin and I am just looking forward to the reactions. I hope so much that they like it."

"Many critics have seen the movie ahead of time and given a good to very good review, does it make you happy?"

"Of course it does. It means that everyone who has contributed to the film did a good job. "

"Even prior to the trailer, many have been looking forward to the movie, and then when the trailer was released, more and more and more liked it. Many celebrities are looking forward to it too. How is this situation for you?"

"It's nice to see that the film appeals to so many," said Killian. "People can identify with the characters because they are so well written."

"Yes, that's right." She confirmed "It's not a story that is unrealistic or hard to comprehend.

It is a story that will move or affect a lot of people, just because it theoretically could happen to anyone of us."

"But with this popularity comes a lot of pressure from the outside world, or not?"

"Yes. Just because you have this pressure you want to do it perfectly. It was an incentive. A lot of people know Killian's work. They know how talented he is and how great he can slip into every possible role. With me, it was different because I'm still very new to this and I didn't have so much experience."

"You're awesome." Said Killian, looking at her.

"Thank you, so are you." Smiled Emma.

"I think in every one of us was under pressure. None of us wanted to disappoint anyone, so we were highly motivated. And now we hope, that the people out there like it."

"There were rumors and August Booth has hinted, that there might be a second movie. Do you have more information?"

Killian laughed lightly and on Emma's face spread a smile "It could be possible." He teased.

It was late evening when Emma came back into her suite. She changed into her pajamas, removed makeup and went to bed.

The next morning there were already many reviews of the movie, most of them were positive. If she was right, then this film would finally be her breakthrough.

 

**Killian's POV**

The premiere in Berlin went by faster than he thought. After the premiere in New York Milah flew back to Ireland and he and the others flew to Berlin.

It was not really different from the world premiere. Many fans, many photographers, a lot of interviews. And something else: Many memories.

In Berlin, he had slept with Emma, and then everything had changed. The memories were still there. It still felt like it was only yesterday. And since then, the feelings for Emma grew stronger.

He was right then. This film would be Emma's breakthrough, and it really was. She became more famous and more desirable. He had always known it. The reviews about the film were mostly positive.

They wrote great things about his and Emma's acting, for example, how well they emote, how well they know their characters and how they can reflect, or even how excellent the chemistry between them is.

* * *

 

Killian was more than pleased when he came home, where he was not as expected, alone. Milah was sitting on the sofa in the living room for a millisecond he rejoiced. Maybe she came back home. But when he saw her face, he knew that he had been mistaken.

He put his bag aside "Milah," he said softly.

"Congratulations." She said, holding up a magazine, where He and Emma were on the cover "To the success of the film." She let her hand fall again.

He remained silent, unsure of what he should say.

"I've been thinking." Began his wife.

"Okay,"

He slowly walked over to the armchair which stood opposite the sofa.

"You wanted to talk, then talk." She continued.

He swallowed hard. She was right. He wanted to talk to her, but he didn't know what to say.

"See?" She whispered, "There's nothing to talk about anymore."

"Do you think," Again he had to swallow "Do you think we can do it? That we can overcome this and get back together?"

"You want me to be honest? I don't think so."

It was like a punch in the face. But he knew she was right, so he just nodded slowly.

"I found out for myself, that I can't forgive you. Not like this. Maybe in a few months or years, but not now. You've hurt me, Killian. Do you even understand that?"

"Of course I understand that. If you still need time, then I will give you the time you need."

"You don't understand, Killian. First, you have to be clear about your feelings."

Killian looked at her.

"I know that you have feelings for Emma," she said full of pain "I've seen you at the premiere. You should really think about it and I think about whether we still make sense."

That was all she said before she got up and left. He heard the door fall shut before he was completely alone again. She was right. He had strong feelings for Emma, but he also still had feelings for Milah.

* * *

 

A week passed before he heard from her again. He came from a meeting with his manager and had been shopping groceries afterward when he found a letter on the kitchen counter. He put the bags on the counter and took the letter.

It was a letter from a lawyer. Not just any lawyer but of a divorce lawyer.

Killian let the letter fall again. She had decided. She had decided against him and against their marriage and he could not condemn her for that. He had hoped, that it wouldn't get that far, but he was obviously wrong. Presumably, he should call his lawyer.

After a few minutes that He just stared at the opposite wall, he decided to open the letter.

The data were already filled in the divorce petition and Milah's signature was put under it. Also, her lawyer had signed.

There were two empty spaces for his signature and his lawyer's. Everything else Milah and he would clarify among themselves.

What he previously didn't notice is that a small white piece of paper lying beside the letter. He recognized the handwriting of his wife immediately.

"Killian, sign the papers and give them to your lawyer. He will then pass it on to my lawyer and make an appointment at which we clarified everything else. At some point, I will come over to pick up my stuff. Milah."

He had to repeatedly read to understand, what she had written.

Only after several hours he was able to persuade himself to call his lawyer. Killian explained the situation, and the two made an appointment.

Tomorrow, Kilian would go to the law office with the _signed papers_.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the delay :)  
> So Killian and Milah get divorced. What do you think will happen next?  
> Thanks for reading, I really hope you liked it!  
> To all my american Readers, I hope you had a great thanksgiving day :)  
> Reviews make my day! ;)
> 
> xSmallTownGirlx


	11. I'vr become what I cannot be

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings for strong language in this chapter.

**Chapter 11: I've become what I cannot be**

It was an odd feeling to know that it would be the end of his marriage. When he put his name to the contract he couldn't quite tell how he felt. Well, How should he feel? It was a mixture of relief, sadness, and uncertainty.

Killian swallowed hard before he grabbed the letter and left the house. In half an hour he would meet with his lawyer, Albert Spencer and clarify anything further. Albert Spencer was an American lawyer with his seat here in Ireland. He was not exactly the kind of person you wanted to spend a lot of time with. He was not very friendly, quite cold and arrogant but he had a success rate as a lawyer. He was incredibly good at what he does and he rarely loses any processes at all.

He just hoped that no one was watching him on the way to his lawyer. It would be disastrous if he is seen by paparazzi how he is on the way to his lawyer.

The office was more than pompous and on the reception, he was greeted by a young lady called Alice. She accompanied him into the office of Mr. Spencer.

"Mr. Jones, welcome." Mr. Spencer sat behind his enormous desk and then pointed to one of the chairs in front of him, "Please, sit."

"Thank you, Mr. Spencer."

"We already spoke on the phone briefly. How should men understand women nowadays."

Killian's face didn't change on his commentary.

"Do you have the documents with you?" Asked Mr. Spencer.

"Aye." Said Killian, and held them up for his lawyer to see, before he put it on the desk.

"Well, well." Spencer softly murdered, as he skimmed the documents before he looked at Killian again.

"So, I have already spoken with the lawyer of your wife. He would suggest an uncontested divorce. This type of divorce is used very often for example in the US if one can say so. It is simple and fast. Of course, we would only see if this type of divorce is possible because it is based on that both spouses agree on different things. Not only about the divorce but also about money, the house, if you would have children, then about the children. If you can't agree, then there are also other types of divorce. Do you think you can come to an agreement with your wife about these things?"

Killian swallowed and nodded "I think so, yes."

"That's good. Then I'm going to call the lawyer of you wife and then make an appointment where we all meet to discuss details. I will be in touch with you, Mr. Jones."

"All right, thank you."

Killian got up and shook Mr. Alberts hand "Goodbye."

"Goodbye."

* * *

In the car, he let his head fall against the headrest, closing his eyes for a brief moment. The first few steps were done. Everything else would follow. The next step would be to tell his family. Should he tell them when they're all together or only go to his parents and then to Liam?

After he seriously thought about it for a few minutes, he pulled out his phone and sent a message to his older brother "Today at 3.30 at our parents'. It's important." He didn't want more to write. He probably would not even inform his parents but just appear on their doorstep.

He knew that they wouldn't mind, they were mostly at home anyway. Killian put his phone aside and started the engine of the car. The radio softly played songs while he drove through the streets of his hometown. Here, he was born, here he grew up. Here, he graduated from high school and fell in love Milah. It was his home. Here he was not an actor, he could just be himself.

And he just drove. Not home, but in a completely different direction. He knew the way exactly, though he was no longer down here for years. But he remembered it, it was as if the sea would call him.

He parked his car a few yards away and grabbed his jacket. The sun was shining, but it was still cold, though. Especially near the sea.

He could already smell the sea. Killian had never fully understood why, but he could smell it. After a few meters of walking, he saw it. The waves were harder in autumn than in winter. The white spray was washed up on the beach or crashed against the cliffs. Formerly, he had often been here. Whether as a child or as a teenager, it was his haven.

Not far from here he had learned to sail and built sand castles. He heard the seagulls in the sky, which was covered by clouds now. He sat down on one of the empty benches, staring at the sea. It calmed him incredibly.

* * *

When he pulled into the street of his parental home he had a strange feeling. They would hate him. They are his family but they loved Milah as her own daughter. His brother's car on the roadside.

With a latchkey, he opened the front door. He heard low murmur when his father suddenly stood before him "Killian, what are you doing here? We are pleased to see you, but you could have mentioned it at some point. "

He swallowed, "Yes, I know, but it's important."

"Where is Milah?"

"Dad, please not now."

His father looked at him confused.

"Where's Mom?" Killian asked.

"In the living room. With Liam and Claire."

He put his key ring to the small chest of drawers in the hallway and took off his jacket before he entered the living room.

His brother and Claire sat on one of the sofas. His niece was not to be seen. His mother was sitting a little confused in an armchair.

Liam knew it already. He could tell by the look he had on his face.

"Is everything all right, darling?" His mother asked, standing up. She gently stroked her fingers over his upper arms.

"Sit down, please, Mama."

"That bad?" She asked worriedly as she sat back down on the armchair.

"You too, Dad."

His father pulled his eyebrows and sat down as well.

"What happened?" Claire interjected. "Where is Milah?"

"Did you fight?" His mother asked afterward.

Even all the way here he had considered how he could tell them cautiously. But he couldn't, so he would probably just blurt out the truth.

"Milah and I," he began, then interrupted himself. "We.. we are no longer a couple. We get a divorce."

"What?!" His mother asked startled "Why?!"

"Something has happened between us, that's not easy to process or forget. And Milah has come to the decision that it is better this way. And she's right. "

His mother put her hand to her mouth while his father jumped up and held his nose "You can not be serious!" He snapped.

Killian remained calm.

"What happened?!"

"That is not important."

"What happened?!" His father demanded again.

"Father," Liam began "What has happened, is a thing between Killian and Milah." He tried to help Killian but it didn't help.

His father threw Liam a warning glance but said nothing.

Killian knew how his parents, especially his father, would react. They would consider it a disgrace. A disgrace for the family, for the neighborhood, and Christ even for the world.

"Killian, darling. Please tell us the truth. What happened? " His mother pleaded again after a few minutes of silence.

After a brief look at Liam, he swallowed and began to speak, "I cheated on her."

"You what?" His mother whispered shocked.

He didn't look at her. He looked at his loosely clasped hands, he braced with his elbows on his thighs.

It was quiet in the room and he was just waiting for the yelling of his father. He always was a friendly, calm and understanding man and father, but he placed honor and religion above all else.

Killian wanted to say that he was not proud of it, because he was not, he couldn't.

"You can't be serious." Spoke his father, who then took a deep breath to continue, "What's the matter with you, lad?! How could you do such a thing!?"

He shook his head and opened his mouth to answer him, but he got no chance. The steps his father made through the living room were making him nervous.

"How stupid are you?!" he cursed.

"It is not as if I'd planned it!" Killian hissed back.

"Of course you didn't! That would have been it!" He got as answer "You let your cock control the situation!" He sneered.

"Richard!" His mother hissed.

"What?! It's the truth! Has turned off his brain, that idiot."

He heard how his father breathed out, annoyed "I don't understand it, explain it to me."

"What do you want me to explain, father?! How shall I explain what happened to you?"

"You see? That is your problem, Killian. You have no explanation for how it happened! I have not raised my son a liar or an idiot! And certainly not to an adulterer! What's gotten into you?!" He snapped back, "How stupid you have to be to cheat on a woman like Milah?!"

Killian could listen to a lot his father said, but eventually, it was enough. He knew that he disappointed his family and he knew what situation he expected if he entrusted it to them, but now it was enough. He would not let himself be bullied by his own father.

He jumped up, "You know what?! I have no idea, but for some goddamn reason, I'll have done it!"

"Not in that tone, Killian!" His mother said firmly in between and all at once he felt again like a seventeen-year-old teenager in an argument with his parents. But he no longer was a teenager.

He was damn well 29 years old. He was a man and not a boy, and they no longer had to decide how or what he said.

"Or what?!" he snapped back. Something sharper than he wanted it anyway.

"Killian," Liam spoke softly but he only looked at his older brother briefly "Be quiet, Liam." He hissed.

"Don't talk to your mother like that!" His father said angrily.

"Do you even notice it?!" He snapped back, looking at back and forth between his family "You are talking to me just like this! You're yelling at me, you're talking to me like I'm dumb, you want to dictate, how I have to live my life and it's enough now! I'm not a little kid anymore, that you can push back and forth as you want it! I'm grown up and I am in no mood for this shit! It's my fucking life, not yours. Live yours as you want, I don't give a damn, but keep out of my life!"

"How can you say such a thing? How dare you?" His father whispered furiously.

"At some point, someone has, to tell the truth!"

"We didn't raise you like this," whispered his mother sadly "What's wrong with you? I don't even recognize you. Where's my little, dear boy?"

"He's grown up, mother. And it may be that you don't know me like this, but that's who I am! I no longer can live in your so perfect world. I cannot take it anymore and I don't want to because I don't fit in here."

He saw the anger in his father's eyes, "I just wanted to tell you. I wanted to tell you and not your opinion to it or be yelled at for how I live my life, but this is apparently not possible. And now it's enough for me, I'm not in the mood for this shit."

Killian didn't even wait for a reaction but just left the living room, but his father,who went after him, had other plans, "And now you run away! You coward, first you have fun with the girl, fucking her and now you don't have the balls!"

He grabbed his car keys and took a deep breath. He was so close to keeping screaming at them and then nothing would hold him back. Still, he could not take the provocation of his father.

So he walked slowly back to the living room door, looked at his father and then spoke as calmly and quietly as it was possible in this situation, "And you know what? I don't even regret that I fucked with her."

He said it by instinct. Not necessarily by purpose but not planned. Killian knew that it would provoke his father even more and it was a nasty thing to say, but he couldn't help it. With large, quick steps he left the living room and walked down the hall but just before the front door, his father stopped him again.

"You're a disgrace, Killian." He scoffed.

Annoyed, Killian turned "Oh really?"

"First cheating on your wife and now being proud of it. You sin, my boy. I can only pray for you, that God will forgive you what you have done one day."

"We live in the 21st-century father."

He saw how his mother came through the living room door and stood obliquely behind his father.

"You have given God a promise, Killian. You gave Milah a promise." She whispered, "And you broke both. You know, how abhorrent our religion is seeing things like that."

"Religion is not everything."

"You bring shame not only on yourself and your poor wife but also on all of us. Have you ever thought of us? "

Killian rolled her eyes "But it is not about you. It's about Milah and I. We both decided that it would be best for both of us when we get a divorce."

"God didn't bring you together for that. He brought you together so that you could spend your life together,to love each other, to have kids. "

"It doesn't always happen like it did with you."

"Your brother gets it right, why don't you?!"

"Don't compare me with Liam, Father."

"You're pathetic Killian. Just pathetic. You lost all your honor, your pride. And you pull all of us with you into perdition. You're making a huge mistake. "

"No, I'm not. After a long time, I finally do the right thing. And don't you dare to speak like this of me, Father. I know that this was not the right way and I know that it was not fair to cheat my wife but you know that we are all equal before God. He will forgive me because he loves all people equally. Unconditionally. You've taught me this all those years ago.”

"All people will talk about you. Talk about us. "

"Then let them. If they have no other hobbies than talking about problems of others, then let them. I don't care what others think of me as long as I am okay with myself. As long as I can deal with me and as long as I believe that God can too. "

He saw the tears that stood in his mother's eyes when he turned to leave. But he stopped "And you know what really is the worst? I am your son, you should love me unconditionally and have my back because it is what parents do or not? And I know how important the Roman Catholic faith is for you, our faith, but should I not at least still be a little bit more important?"

* * *

Without getting an answer, he left the building and got into his car. He started the engine. The radio started playing music while he was driving backward from the courtyard. The song was a perfect fit.

_**"Steady hands just take the wheel,"** _

Killian clasped the steering wheel of the car harder. The skin of his ankles was already white, but he ignored it. He hummed the melody of the song, in order to calm down.

_**"Stop and Stare, I think I'm moving but I go nowhere"** _

He was angry and upset but somehow sad. He knew, how his family would react, but he would never have expected that his father calls him a disgrace or that his mother would seriously doubt him.

He knew how important faith was for his parents and it was important to him too, after all, they had raised him like this, but he was just living. Regardless of his religion. He didn't follow every word that was written in the Bible, just as little as his parents. Nevertheless, he wondered where he would go from here.

He didn't want to see them or even hear them. They let him down. And he probably disappointed them, but he didn't care. He couldn't change it anymore anyway. He had done what he thought was right.

_**"Yeah, I Know That everyone gets scared, but I've become what I can not be,"** _

His feelings confused him. He knew that he had made this mistake and he knew that he regrets it in a certain way, but Milah had decided against him and he had to accept that. He had guided them in this direction, he was the first to decide against her and he knew it was right to divorce.

“ _ **You start to wonder why you're here not there,”**_

Then he was sad because he didn't want it and relieved because it would be so much easier now. He would get what he deserves. And he was confused because he couldn't classify how strong his feelings for Emma are. He couldn't understand his own feelings.

_**"But fair is not what you really need,"** _

He could only hope that he soon would understand. His phone shows a missed call, that came from his lawyer. Mr. Spencer probably had spoken with the lawyer of his estranged wife and had a date where they could meet.

“ _ **Oh, do you see what I see?”**_

**Two Days Later:**

She sat across from him and he looked at her briefly before he exhaled, and signed the last of the documents, that would officially separate them as spouses. He pushed it to his lawyer and waited. They had discussed everything. What would happen to the house, the furniture and so on.

Milah didn't want a lot of things. Only a few out of the house, she would pick up later. She had said that she wanted nothing that officially belongs to him. He had paid most of the furniture, and she didn't want alimony with which she could live for some time until her life was regulated again. Milah didn't want money that he had earned. She just wanted it all finished once and for all. He would also keep the house that they had bought together.

At home, he waited that she would come to fetch the things that she wanted to take along. She still had a lot of her stuff here.

* * *

He heard how her car drove into the courtyard and the car doors. He had offered to help her, and she had reluctantly agreed, but she had brought a friend of hers anyway. Killian had nothing against Ian, he even liked him, but that was it. She unlocked the front door with her key and entered.

She put her bag on the dresser and pulled off her jacket. Ian had pinched some moving boxes under his arm as he entered the house.

"Hey," he spoke softly.

"Hello," Milah answered, while she tied up her curly hair in a ponytail.

"Hey, Killian." Greeted Ian kindly. In his opinion, too kindly.

"Would you like something to drink?" He asked gently.

"No thanks. I just want to pick up my things."

He nodded.

"What can I do?" Ian asked and smiled at his estranged wife.

Killian saw how she swallowed "Maybe you can get the stuff out of my office and pack it into the moving boxes? Just up the stairs and turn right."

Ian took two of the boxes "Sure, I'll do it."

Milah also took one of the boxes and unfolded it.

"How can I help?" Killian whispered carefully to not to offend her.

"Uhm.." she began without looking at him, "Perhaps you can pack up the rest of my stuff out of the bedroom? I'll come along and help."

Again he nodded "Alright,"

She held two of the moving boxes out, "This is weird now, but I would rather have you help me pack the rest of my clothes than Ian." She admitted, "After all, you still are my husband. There is, I believe nothing that you don't know anyway. "

"Okay,"

"I'll be right there, I just need time just a few minutes." She whispered as he walked up the stairs. In the bedroom, he set the carton on the floor and looked around. He didn't really know where to start, but then decided for the closet with her tops.

* * *

Neatly, he packed the folded T-shirts, tops, and sweaters in the carton. As Milah came through the door, he immediately realized that she had been crying.

"Is everything okay?"

She tried to laugh but failed "No, nothing is fine. But we both have to get through this now."

She went over to the dresser with her underwear and socks. He didn't watch further and packed the remaining tops in the carton before he took the blouses off the hangers and even packed them into the carton as well.

Thereafter, he started with her trousers and skirts. He tucked her clothes in a new, empty moving box.

He stopped when he arrived at a dress in a dress bag. Killian knew it was her wedding dress. He swallowed and turned to face her. She had also stopped and looked at him.

Milah came over to him and unzipped the garment bag. She caressed the light ivory-colored fabric of the dress. He knew how many memories she associated with it, and so does he.

She pulled the dress out of the bag and looked at it again more closely, her hand slid gently over the fabric and slight tears welled up in her eyes. She reminisced. He didn't miss the shiny metal on her finger. She still wore her wedding band.

"It hurts," she confessed.

"I know, it hurts me too."

She looked up. He was not lying, it really hurt to see this dress just now.

"I still remember what it was like when you were wearing it." He said.

"On our wedding day," she whispered.

"Aye, you looked beautiful."

"You stepped on the dress during our wedding dance," she said, laughing, but a few small tears ran down her cheeks.

He laughed easily "To my defense, the dress was in the way."

"Yes, that's true. I can't believe it's already been six years."

"What do you do with it?" He asked gently, but she just shrugged her shoulders, "I don't know. Right now I don't know anything. Someday I'll know what I want to do with it. Whether I throw it away, or sell it. But now I just don't know."

Killian took the dress out of her hands and packed it in the garment bag. He zipped it up and hung it back in the almost empty closet of his wife.

"One day you'll know it, and as long as you don't, we'll leave it here," It didn't bother him. He almost never took a look in this closet anyway.

Milah nodded slowly "Okay,"

* * *

When he had finished he brought the full boxes back down where already two boxes of stuff from her office stood. Milah cleared her bedside table and her vanity table.

"What should I do with it?" She asked, holding up a few pieces of her jewelry that he had given her, "Do you want it back?"

He shook his head, "God, no. I have given it to you. It's yours. If you no longer want it, you can leave it here, give it away or sell it."

He left the bedroom to give her a little time. Ian was almost finished with her study. It was almost empty. The furniture was almost empty. Some bookcases were not completely dispelled, and on her desk was a photo of them.

"I'm done in the bedroom," said Milah, who was suddenly behind him. "Can you carry the moving boxes down please?"

"yes, Of course. Do you want me to do something else?"

"You could pack my stuff from the bathroom. It's not much. The most I've taken with me already. "

Two hours later, all her packed moving boxes stood in the hallway. The house was swept clean from most of her belongings. She had left a few things of her behind. His home seemed to him empty. It had never felt so empty. He watched as Ian load the moving boxes into her car.

"Where will you stay?" He asked me.

"With my parents, and then I'll probably look for an apartment of my own."

He nodded "If you need anything then,"

"Killian, just stop. This is hard enough, but we'll soon be divorced and go our own way. I am grateful for your help today, but you should just leave me alone. I can't do this, it's very hard for me, just standing next to you is almost too much and I don't know if I can ever do it again. To look at you or talking to you. So we should just let it be."

She took a few steps toward him and then put a small box in front of him on the coffee table, her engagement ring. Slowly she took her wedding band off, she held it in hand for a few seconds, turned and twisted it before she put it on the box. And then she took the latch-key from her key ring and put this also on the table.

"I no longer need it."

With her fingers, she touched the place on her ring finger where her wedding band had been a few seconds ago.

Then she took a few steps backward "Goodbye, Killian. I really hope that you find what you are looking for. That you'll be happy."

He couldn't even answer her. He watched her as she left the room, he heard the front door falling shut and the car driving away.

"You too," he whispered before he took off his wedding band.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been soo Long! And I'm really sorry! Life got in my way. This Chapter was a hard one to write and I'm sure it's more than harsh, but it's necessary.. Sorry for any mistakes in it..
> 
> Please, please leave me a Review with your thoughts! I'd love to know what you think about it and what do you think is going to happen next?? 
> 
> Reviews are my muse and make me more than happy! You can also follow me on Tumblr: http://xthecaptainssaviorx.tumblr.com/
> 
> I'll post updates and some Little sneak peeks there! You can also just come and ask me some questions if you want to! :)
> 
> Oh, and I made a Little playlist with Songs I listened to while writing this chapter! You can find it on my Tumblr.  
> The song I used in this chapter is stop and stare by one republic.
> 
> Thanks for reading, I hope you liked it!


	12. The Dark Side

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> There isn't that much dialogue in this Chapter. It's mostly Emma's thoughts. I hope you'll like it.
> 
> I'm also planning to edit the previous chapters if I find the time :)

**Chapter 12**

**One week later:**

He had put the rings in the box and locked it in the safe of the house. Out of his sight, but still not quite gone. It was like her wedding dress. They both had no idea what to do with it.

Then, after a long time, he had the feeling that he might write a lyric again, so he brought down his guitar, put a pencil and his notepad on the table and played a few chords. Till such time as he had an idea, he took the pen and wrote down everything that came into his mind. He sat there for several hours without once looking at the clock. It’s been a damn time since he has written so carefreely.

He didn't even notice how the weather changed abruptly. Gray clouds covered the sky and soon it started to rain. The dusk was approaching and the room got darker and darker, but he didn’t notice it at all. He was so deep in his thoughts with his music and all the ideas he had. It was incredible. Almost magical.

When he put his guitar aside, he finally felt ready for what he wasn’t ready days ago. He searched his phone and groaned when he saw the missed calls from his brother and his mother. His father, on the other hand, had not even tried to get him on the phone. He was as stubborn and headstrong as himself. Killian cleared the missed calls and searched his contacts for the number of his manager. They just don’t get it. Shove it!

* * *

He walked up and down the room while he waited for his manager to answer. It took a while, but then he answered with an energetic “Killian, Buddy! How are you?”

“I’m okay, I guess.” Of course, he had stayed in touch with his manager during the last weeks and months and his manager knew every detail (Okay, perhaps not every little detail) about the situation he was in. But Killian had failed in recent days to do what his manager just waited for.

“Make it public,” Killian whispered quietly.

“Are you sure? We can still wait if you want that.”

“So that the media or paparazzi find it out on themselves and then publish some fake bullshit? No thanks. And probably they would send some paparazzi for Milah. Make it public. Tell them that my wife and I are no longer a couple and that we’ll be divorced in a few weeks.”

“Alright. I’ll do it immediately, but Killian be prepared that stupid comments or headlines will come. You work in Hollywood, people, your fans, reporters, everyone is interested in your life and definitely want to know what happened. They will not simply accept it. They will print it in useless magazines and talk about it, they will question it and they will ask you what’s going on. They will link it to this pretty blonde. People love you, Killian. But they are also extremely curious.”

“I’m not planning on spilling much about my private life. Neither about myself nor about Milah or Emma. Just announce it. Say for private reasons and if someone asks me, I’ll tell them as little as possible. Any interview questions on this topic will be rejected, understood?”

“No surprise that everyone thinks you’re mysterious. Is there anything else? Oh, we also need to meet soon. I have a lot of new offers for you, my friend.”

“We will. Thank you, you’re helping me really a lot.”

“That’s why I’m here. Don’t let them drag you down, buddy.”

“I’ll try.”

* * *

The news spread like a wildfire. Everyone knew it and everyone talked about it. He tried not to hear too much about it, stayed away from the internet or the TV, but it was almost impossible.

An hour after the announcement, his manager messaged him that he had already received more than 30 new interview requests. He just hoped that they would leave Milah alone. The spot in Ireland where he and his family live was thankfully quiet and there were hardly any paparazzi. Here, people respected his privacy. Unlike as in other parts of the world.

And he knew that they would associate it with Emma as well. But he also knew that Emma would stay out of this as she had promised. He was lucky that he had many appointments in the coming days. Unfortunately, a lot of interviews in which he may have to answer many questions.

**Emma’s POV**

It was her third cover shoot this week. She sat in the mask for the teen Vogue as she read the news on the Internet. Killian had officially separated from Milah and she has been associated with all of this. Of course. What else.

She couldn’t even be upset about it because it was true. It was her fault as well. Or at least, she was one of the reasons why the marriage didn’t work anymore. It wasn’t as if she would have high hopes now. She had told Elsa that she has feelings for Killian and that was nothing but the truth. He was there for her and still is, but it wasn’t true, that she would approach him now. She could only imagine how he felt right now. How Milah felt.

When she was done she came in a huge room full of clothes. Emma picked a few outfits, she would wear during the shoots. They were in a quiet place by the sea. The strong wind made her feel the coldness while she tried different poses. It took a few hours until they were done and she could go back to the hotel in Los Angeles. It was crazy how much she had to do. She barely had a spare minute. Just yesterday she was in London for the photo shoot for the British Vogue. And now she was back in Los Angeles again. It was unbelievable how her life had practically changed overnight.

She couldn’t go anywhere undisturbed. Always followed by paparazzi. It was exhausting and nerve-wracking. Emma needs her freedom and it annoys her when she was followed for hours by some men. Especially by the pushy ones. There were two types of paparazzi. The ones that followed her without any regard, came too close and held the camera right in her face, and wouldn’t leave her alone. And the ones who took their pictures, but kept distance and if they came close then they, at least, were respectful. Emma liked the latter better. It wasn’t surprising. She knew that there was this kind of people, but sometimes it was just too much. She had to pull herself together to not to yell and curse at the men.

To be honest, she thought it would be easier. Being famous was exhausting and she knew it before, but she didn’t think it would be like this. She was partly really grateful for all the stress because it distracted her. She’d be lying if she said that she was over her mother’s death and everything was be processed, because it’s not. She was still seeing a psychologist who helped her to handle all of this somehow. The meetings are not as regularly as they were, but they still exist. Four months have passed since the loss, but she could handle it. She didn’t know how or why, but somehow it worked. It was still difficult to come home and not be greeted by her mom and the silence that reigned in the house still was weird. It would always be weird, she was sure of that.

There were also tons of great new things in her life. She was able to see the world. Emma had never traveled so much in entire life as in the past month. It was amazing. She had the chance to work in different places all over the world. There were interviews, photo shoots, filming or even fan meetings, premieres or parties, she had the chance to see incredible places. Different countries, get to know different cultures and customs. Even if only for a short time period. She got to know her fans around the world. Of course, not all, but as many as she possibly could.

She had already made acquaintance with some great actors to whom she looked up to. And such moments made her fangirl heart beat faster. And she had the opportunity, to wear the prettiest designer gowns on the red carpets of the world. Emma was practically asked to wear these dresses. There were moments where she sometimes even wondered if it was all a dream.

And then there also was the dark side of her dream.

Privacy? Currently, something she didn’t have. The whole world wanted to know what she was doing and where she went. With whom she spends time or what she buys in the damn supermarket. Her refuge where no paparazzi were lurking, was Minnesota. In the house where she grew up in. Emma had thought that she would be home more often to see her family. And sometimes she hated that she wasn’t. But that was probably naive of her. Naive thinking that had to stop now. She knew that everything was fine at home, as far as that is possible just after the death of her mother. Her aunts checked if everything was alright now and then. But it wasn’t exactly as she had thought it would be. It was time to grow up. She felt that she was grown enough, especially now.

But this life in public, the life she dreamed of as a girl, let her wake up abruptly. She had to stop thinking like a teenager, even though she was of legal age. She had to think like an adult woman. She had to think first. Who could she really trust? She had to be more careful of what she said in public, or how she acted. A girls’ night where she might just drink something too much? Impossible.

The media and press became more intrusive over time. The more famous she became, the more they wanted to know. The deeper they dug into her past. They were looking for every single little thing that would make them look bad. They searched for any stain on her and her past. And after all, the things that were nobody’s concern, but hers. So then people around the world could gossip viciously about it.

Emma was thick-skinned from an early age, but like everyone else she had secrets, she would rather let rest. The times where she could tell anyone everything about herself and no one cared were over. And she had, whether she wanted to or not, to grow up. And it was hard. So damn hard.

Emma dropped to the huge bed in her hotel room and stared at the ceiling. She was alone. Really, completely alone. The few friends she had were at home. They had their own lives. Elsa was studying and Anna was in senior year of high school and she was not even sure what Lily did. To be honest, she didn’t even know if Lily was still on the loose. Emma narrowed her eyes. Damn it. She didn’t have contact with Lily for years and her only close friends were her own cousins. There were a couple other girls with whom she got along but it never were close friendships.

Emma began to ask herself whether it really was the right decision. Her life could have been so different. She would have stayed at home and would be able to work in a profession that secured her life. She and Elsa could have moved in together. In a small apartment, as they had always imagined as children. Maybe she would have noticed that her mother’s not well and she would never have died if she would have been home and not traveling around the world. Emma could have traveled the world with Elsa. They probably would have saved the money over years, but it would have been worth it. The beautiful dresses she wore, she could only look at from far. But it would have been enough. All this would have been enough. She would have been happy.

But she decided against this life. For certain reasons, she now questioned for the first time. Had she really made the right decision? Would she make that decision again? Even if she knows how her life would look like? Probably not. But that was what she wanted, wasn’t it? Her dream, the dream she has fought so hard for. And she really made it. She perhaps wasn’t at the finish, but she was very close.

And she appreciated her new life. She really did, but it is so much easier to see the negative sides than the positive ones. It gave her a queasy feeling. Something that she couldn’t really describe. On one hand, she was happy, on the other hand, she felt a bit numb. She was alone and it becomes noticeable. Emma didn’t mind being alone, but as a newcomer in this business, she hadn’t really a lot of people with whom she could speak, and certainly not about anything.

At first, she wanted to conceal it, but when she skyped with Elsa she got busted. Her cousin and best friend immediately noticed that she wasn’t doing well and they talked about it. For nearly two hours Emma had tried to explain and describe her feelings and experiences although it seemed almost impossible.

“Shouldn’t I be happier?” She had asked Elsa.

And Elsa had tried to help her. Until they eventually came to a point. A new home. “You need a place of your own. A place you can call home, and no, I don’t mean here in Minnesota. You need a fresh start, Emma. You did it. You’re an actress. A new life and in a certain way, a new identity. A new part of your life. You need a place where you feel comfortable and safe when you get home. And that doesn’t mean that you should give up your home here. I mean you’re practically never here in Minnesota anyway, so why not start looking for a new apartment?”

But did she really want that? A new home somewhere in the world? Where she was a stranger? On the other hand, it was also not an option to live in hotel rooms any longer, even though it would remain a big part of her life. Was she really ready for this? With this decision, she would say farewell to a part of herself. A part of her childhood and youth. She would be an adult. Isn’t that what she wanted? Or had to? Sooner or later the times comes for everyone, to go away from home, to pursue their own way, wasn’t it what she was doing right now? Living her own live and to take everything into her own hands. It would be a big step for her, but it wouldn’t mean to abandon her home. She could return as often as she would like. She just had to dare it.

Exactly one week and three days went by until Elsa surprised with a Skype conversation. Emma had thought a few times about the idea of her cousin and also once talked about it with her. It wasn’t easy for Emma to reveal her true feelings, but Elsa knows her whole life. She could hardly conceal things.

“We are moving together!” Elsa started

“What?” Emma asked a little shocked.

“I know that you’re scared and you’re lonely. I am your best friend and we wanted to live together as kids, remember?”

Emma breathed out, trembling. She didn’t expect that. “But what about your family and your studies?!”

“That’s regulated. Don’t worry.”

“Elsa,” she groaned softly, “You know how much I love you, but I don’t want that you throw away your future for me.”

“I’m not throwing it away. I’m changing it. Whether I study here or in Los Angeles. And to be honest, I have to get away from here. I’m tired of Minnesota. And what’s better than sunny California?”

“Elsa, you don’t even like the sun. You prefer when it’s cold.”

“Not true! I never said that I don’t like the sun.”

“I don’t know,” Emma had mixed feeling about it. It would be much easier for her to make that decision if she knew that Elsa would move with her. Together. But then she would still be traveling a lot and Elsa would be alone.

“What do your parents think about it?” She asked gently.

“I haven’t told them yet.” Replied her cousin and bit her lower lip, “I mean, maybe I have hinted something. But it doesn’t matter. I am 21 and therefore of age. It’s entirely my decision. Oh and yours of course.”

Emma touched her forehead briefly and then tucked a strand of her hair behind her ear, “I really don’t know, Elsa.”

“You don’t want this, right?”

She shrugged her shoulders slightly “It would awesome if we lived together, but I still would be gone pretty often and you would be alone. I don’t want you to give everything up at home to live with me and then be sad in the end that you made this decision. ” She answered honestly.

“Oh, Emma. I’ll have to study a lot anyway. Don’t worry about it.”

“Are you sure?” “100 percent. If you’re ready for it, then I am too.” She looked out the window for a brief moment, listing the arguments for and against it in her head. “Emma, stop looking for arguments! What says your heart?”

Emma breathed out the air she held “You are really sure that you really want that?”

Elsa nodded encouragingly.

“Okay,”

“Okay?”

“We’ll do it.”

Her cousin squealed slightly “We do it!” She repeated, laughing.

“We have a lot to plan, Elsa. We have to start looking for an apartment or house, you have to change all your studies and find a new university in Los Angeles, we need to bring all our stuff and so on. ”

“So eventually, just eventually, I have already taken care of one or the other.”

“What?”

“Don’t panic, I just wrote some e-mails to my university here and let me send some information about different universities and colleges in Los Angeles.”

“You’re impossible,” laughed Emma slightly, still in disbelief that she really wanted to do it.

“There is only one catch.”

“What’s that.”

“The winter semester in all universities in L.A begin on the sixth of January. That means,”

“Until then, we would have to have everything ready.” Emma ended. “That’s impossible, Elsa. We’ll never make it.”

“Of course, we can! While the schedule might be a bit tight and it perhaps will be more than stressful, but we can get it out.”

“When did you become so crazy?!”

“I always was a little crazy, thank you very much!” Laughed Elsa. “Come on. It will be fun.”

“You are aware of that I still travel halfway around the world?”

“You’re just in Los Angeles right now, can’t you just hire some realtor?”

“I’m not sure whether this will work so fast.”

“Emma, you’re the next Angelina Jolie you get everything you want and indeed when you want it.”

Emma snorted “Yeah, sure.”

“You know what I mean,”

She nodded “Yeah, I know.”

“Great. Then you deal with a realtor and me with the university.”

* * *

There was a short silence, then Elsa spoke again “Did you hear that of Killian?” She asked slowly and softly. Carefully. In order not to hurt Emma.

Emma swallowed “Yes,” she whispered.

“It’s terrible what is written, although they don’t even know what really happened.”

“I didn’t read much of it, to be honest.”

“I wouldn’t read it either if I were you. It is terrible what is written there. Believe me. In every article something else, but rarely anything logical. I cannot imagine how much it hurt his wife, I mean ex-wife.”

“I can’t imagine it either,” she answered honestly “I am incredibly sorry for her.”

“Me too.”

“Yes, but it’s different because I’m to blame for how she feels now. I am to blame that she is beset by reporters and dragged through the dirt by tabloids even though she didn’t do anything. She has done nothing wrong. On the contrary. She was a loving wife who would have done anything for Killian. And now she has to suffer like that.”

“It was Killian’s decision, Emma. He is the one who cheated on her.”

“Yes, with me! I have allowed it. And he feels terrible. He loves her.”

“And yet he has slept with you.”

“Elsa!”

“It’s true. It may be true that he loves her, but he also sees something in you. He probably wouldn’t just go to bed with you . Although you are stunning.”

Emma shook her head “Stop it, I don’t want to talk about my feelings.”

“You’ve let it happen because you like him.”

“We drank too much.”

“But you still feelings for him,”

“Elsa, please.”

“You don’t have to be ashamed of it. You trusted me and I will keep your secret, but I also want you to know that you can talk to me about it. As it used to be,”

As is used to be. But unfortunately so damn much had changed. Emma wasn’t 15 years old and had a crush on a boy anymore. It wasn’t like the time when she and Elsa sat on her bed and whispered about whom they liked.

“I know that you’ve changed and that’s fine, but I’m still here and I’m still there for you, even if you are more quiet and careful than you were.”

Emma swallowed “You know why,”

“Yes, I know why, but not every guy is like Neal, you know?”

“After dumping me like that, it’s hard to believe.”

Elsa nodded slightly “I know, but I am of the opinion that you find the right one eventually. Someone who can break down those walls around your heart.”

She didn’t even deny it. She had built walls around her heart. Walls to protect her heart. It was something else when she was with Killian. She hadn’t understood it herself, but it was as if he could break through her walls more easily, which made her even more cautious. She knew she could trust him, but she wasn’t sure if she would ever trust someone hundred percent again.

“And besides, I am not ashamed of my feelings. I just think that maybe they are only temporary,”

Elsa raised her eyebrows “only temporarily?”

“Yes, like a crush or puppy love.”

“And you don’t think, you’re trying to convince yourself to think that, so you feel better?”

“I’m not just telling myself that! I have said that I have feelings for Killian and it’s true, but they are not as strong as you might think they are.”

“Exactly,” Elsa scoffed “If you say so.”

“I’m telling the truth.”

“So no butterflies in your tummy when you think about him, and no heart palpitations when you see him?”

“No, just a crush.”

The look her cousin gave her, told her that she doesn’t believe her, “Please, Emma. I’ve seen the way you look at him.”

“How I look at him? I look at him as usual. ”

Elsa shook her head slightly and pursed her lips. Probably not to grin or smile, “No you don’t. You don’t look at him like you look at me or this Mary Margaret.”

“Perhaps simply because of the fact that you are women?”

“No, that has nothing to do with it.”

“Oh no?”

“A friend of mine studies behavioral psychology and has told me some interesting things. She would notice immediately.”

Emma rolled her eyes, “Okay, now stop it.”

“I think you have feelings for Killian that are more than just a crush. Perhaps they are not as strong as I think, but they are certainly not as weak as you say they are.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! I hope you enjoyed it!  
> All mistakes are mine. Also follow me on Tumblr: http://xthecaptainssaviorx.tumblr.com/  
> Leave a Review with your thoughts. They make my day and are my muse ;)


	13. 13

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m so sorry for the long delay.. so much has happened and I just didn’t have the time to write or edit this chapter. 
> 
> One reason was that we had to take my grandmother to the Hospital (She’s much better now and home again) and another that my Laptop broke down. I wanted to upload this chapter on MONDAY!! I was already editing it and preparing the upadate for my FFN and Tumblr accounts and then the battery was low so I got the Charge cable, but when I tried to plug it into the outlet a fuse has blown and my Laptop broke down. 
> 
> I couldn’t switch it back on, because of the low battery but I also couldn’t charge it because the freaking charging cable was somehow broken (every time I tried to plug it in, the fuse has blown). So I went to a Computer expert and he confirmed it. I ordered a new charging cable and had to wait until today to get it, but hey now it’s here and now you know why I wasn’t active on tumblr (5 days without Laptop suck. But I had a good time reading some books :) )
> 
>  
> 
> I'm also heartbroken because of what happened to Christina Grimmie.. It's so horrible and she didn't deserve that. I hope she's in a better place now. Please pray for her Family and loved ones in this difficult time..
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Reviews are appreciated. So are likes and follows! Enjoy!

**Chapter 13**  
It only took a few days until she found a fitting realtor, who would find the right reality for Elsa and herself. She informed him about their wishes and he promised her that he would find a suitable house or apartment in one of Los Angeles' neighborhoods.

It was clear for both Emma and Elsa that they wanted to have a house or an apartment just outside of Los Angeles. A safe haven. Especially for Emma. A quieter location, but not too remote. In addition, an appropriate university for Elsa needs to be nearby.

  
The realtor suggested some suburbs in the Los Angeles county. Among other things, Hollywood and Beverly Hills. Long Beach also has been considered.  
After some house and apartment tours in different neighborhoods, they opted for a rather large apartment near Beverly Hills.

They shared the cost of the two-storied apartment. And then everything went relatively quickly. Elsa was accepted at the University and they brought most of their stuff in the new apartment.

The move took several days. It was very, very chaotic. Everyone in the family was trying to help somehow. The whole thing was quite exhausting. After all, she had to give interviews or consider new movie roles at the same time as moving.  
Her aunts promised to look after her house at home and check if everything is in order and also to visit her mother's grave regularly.

When everyone was on their way home again, She and Elsa collapsed on the sofa and stared at the opposite wall, where different shelves and a cabinet with the TV would be soon.

There were still an incredible number of moving boxes everywhere around the apartment. Emma wouldn't call the apartment domestic yet, but that would change soon enough.

At first, Elsa's parents were not really pleased with the idea. Not because Elsa wanted to move in with Emma (They even found that a very good idea), but rather Elsa moving away in general.

And then also in a completely different city. But after a few conversations with her parents, they have realized that Elsa is old enough to decide herself.  
It was the December 23rd. Just one day before Christmas and Elsa and herself on the way back home. It would be difficult for her.

She couldn't imagine a Christmas without her mother. Actually, she wanted to stay in their new apartment, but Elsa had insisted that they fly back home to see her family, at least for Christmas. Christmas is the time for the family.

After all, she was able to visit her mother's grave. And Emma thought of Killian. She and Elsa had not spoken about him often. After Skype conversation a few weeks ago he was a sensitive issue.

She didn't really know how he was doing, but the media speculated since his divorce was announced. Her name was named quite often. She wanted to contact him, ask him how he is doing and wish him a Merry Christmas, but she didn't.

She herself didn't know why, but now was not the right time. But she still hoped with all her heart that he was fine and that he would have a merry Christmas.

It was snowing at the time they arrived, but she had already known that it would. The snow was several centimeters high when she stepped outside. She had expected that as well. But she had underestimated how cold it would be.

It was funny, she had spent most of her life here. It was always the same, every year, every Christmas. But it was almost a shock how cold it was outside. Emma knew it would be cold, but not that it would be that cold.

They were picked up by her aunt. And while she looked out the slightly snowed-in car window, one Christmas song after another played on the radio. The neighborhood was decorated with fairy lights and other stuff and she just hoped that it would go by fast.

 **Killian's POV**  
He had stayed away from his home for almost an entire month. Now and then he  came home to check on everything or to get some new, fresh clothes before then taking the next plane again.

He couldn't say that the interviews were easier or more relaxed with time. Most evaded the topic divorce during the interviews others just bluntly brought it up. Although it wasn't their business at all.

As he had already announced his manager, he didn't tell much about his private life. Of course, he would answer fan questions as what has led him to acting, or what hobbies he has, but the subject of marriage or divorce he kept in the background, at all costs.

He didn't like to put his private life or one of the persons he loves on display. He rather refers to his acting and musical talent.

The ride from the airport back home was more exhausting than expected. He knew that he would find his so-called home just as he had left it. But now the car his brother was standing in the driveway of his house.

"What the bloody hell?" Killian whispered softly as he parked his car in the courtyard next to his brothers. He stopped the engine and pulled the key out before he opened the door of his car and got out slowly. For a brief moment, he just stood there, his right arm on the car door as he stared at his house.

With a bang, he let the car door fall shut. He'd deal with his stuff in it later. When he unlocked the front door, his mother came to meet him. Annoyed, he exhaled as he also saw Liam in the door to the living room, "What do you want here?"

"Killian," his mother began. But he interrupted her.

"How did you even get in here?"

"The spare key you gave me. Remember?" Replied his older brother from several meters away. Killian put his keys to the side.

"And who the hell allowed you to just walk into my house? This is trespass. Burglary. I could report it to the police." Of course, he wouldn't do that to his mother or his brother, but they also shouldn't just wait unbidden in his home for him.

"Stop talking such bullshit, Killian." Warned Liam "There is no breaking in if you gave me a key."

"Yes, for emergencies. And certainly not that you walk in here whenever you bloody want to!"

"I know you've been through much and I know that there's still a lot going on, Killian." His mother spoke. He didn't answer her but just walked past her towards the kitchen.

It hurt himself to treat him mother like this, but how did they treat him? They had hurt him too. She hadn't been with him when he needed it the most.  
He heard his mother quietly whisper to Liam "He hates me, my own son, my baby, he hates me. He will never forgive me that I didn't have his back."

For over a month he had no contact with them. To nobody. He ignored their messages and calls, he no longer appeared to the family dinners on Sundays. Nothing.

Liam put his hand gently on his mother's shoulder, "He doesn't hate you, Mama. He could never hate you. You know that he has a too soft heart to hate someone like you. He's just being stubborn, you know that."

"So, what do you want?" Killian asked after he brought a glass of water. He just acted like he never heard the conversation between his mother and Liam.

"Killian, we need to talk." His mother said. She looked bad. Tired and worried. He felt like she is much older than the last time he saw her, much older than she actually was.

Besides, she hasn't slept properly for nights. The dark circles under her eyes revealed it. He knows his mother well and it hurt him to see her like this.

"What about?" He took a sip of water.

"Killian, stop acting like an ass!" Hisses Liam. But Killian just provocative pulled his eyebrows.

"You behave like a little boy!"

"Are you done then, Liam?" He asked as relaxed as possible.

"You know what? Yes, I'm done! I'm tired of running after you, just because you're too stubborn!"

"I haven't asked you to run after me!" Killian hissed back "I don't want to hear from you. What do you mean, why I am ignoring your calls and messages?!"

"You're acting so immature!"

"And you're a provocative -"

"Stop it! Both of you! Please!" His mother's gentle voice rang through the room. "I understand that you're mad, and if you don't want to talk, we will go now, but please understand that I can never leave you alone because you're my son.  
You're my baby and I will never stop caring about you or make rules." She said addressed to Killian. Then she turned to Liam "Thank you that you came here with me, darling, but you need to stop provoking your little brother. We should go, Liam before we make things worse."

"But," Liam began.

"It's fine Liam. We can't force him."

"We have not even told him the second reason why we're here, Mother."

Charlotte nodded slightly "Maybe he doesn't want to know."

"Hello?!" Killian waved his hands in the air "Could you maybe stop talking like I am not here with you?"

"Oh, now you care again, yeah?"

Killian hated it when his brother behaved like a stubborn ass. And he was a resentful one as well.

"Maybe we should hope that he hears it some time from the newspaper or the media, Mother."

"Liam!"

Liam raised his hands, "I'm sorry, I'm just saying that Killian doesn't seem to care."

Of course, I care! Killian thought. I'm just mad at you.

Especially at his parents. He was not even really mad at Liam. What could he have done in this situation? He had even tried to help. He had tried to calm their father, but he wouldn't listen.

"It's about your father."

"What about him?"

"He is having severe pneumonia. He's in the hospital."

For a few seconds, he stared at his mother. How could that happen? "What happened?"

His mother shrugged "You how he is. He kept his bad health a secret as long as he could."

She brushed a strand of hair out of her face, "He just took pain medication and pretended that everything is fine. At least until he couldn't bear it anymore. We knew that he wasn't feeling well, but he never listened when we begged him to see a doctor. He's so stubborn. And our fight  is quite a burdened for him. And me too."

"How is he now?"

"A bit better. That is also the reason why we are here and, of course, because I was hoping we could talk,"

Killian clenched his teeth and his jaw tensed.

"But I see that you're not ready. So your brother and I will leave now. I just wanted you to know. Your father doesn't handle your situation well. It bothers him and now pneumonia. He may not always make the impression, but your father loves you very much."

Liam walked past him to the front door. His mother followed him, but stopped standing at his side and put her hand on his upper arm. Killian stiffened slightly.

"I really hope that you will stop hating me one day." She said softly.

"I don't hate you, Mom." He whispered back "But you hurt me and I'm disappointed."

She nodded slightly and caressed his arm, "It's okay, my angel. He's still in intensive care." She said as if she knew what he was thinking about.  "He may soon return to a regular room."

She let her hand fall and followed Liam out of the house. Some time passed in which he wondered whether he should visit his father or not.

* * *

 

In the evening, some time after the visiting time, he got in the car again and drove in the direction of the hospital where his father was.

When he arrived he was sure that he wouldn't meet anyone of the family. It was already getting dark when he entered the hospital through the front door. And he had no idea where the ICU even was.

"Can I help you?" Killian turned and found a woman, perhaps in her early or mid-50s, behind the information desk.

Killian cleared his throat, "Uhm, I'm looking for the ICU."

"Visiting hours are already over." She informed him while she sorted some records.

"Yes, I know, but it's important."

"I am sure that it can wait until tomorrow. The visiting hours are from 9 to 7:30."

"Can you please make an exception?" He asked quietly.

"I'm sorry."

He sighed and at that moment a younger nurse joined them. She put, even more, records on her colleague's desk and then looked at him. No, she stared at him.

"You are Killian Jones." She noted.

Killian nodded slightly "Aye, I am."

She nervously tapped back and forth until she knocked over the coffee cup her already annoyed colleague.

"For God's sake, Christina! Mind what you're doing!" The older one hissed and murmured things like "typical!", "totally useless." or "good for nothing."

"Oh goodness, I'm so sorry!" Beeped Christina, trying to wipe away some coffee with handkerchiefs.

"I'm sorry, now I am more than embarrassed," she said, looking back at Killian.

Killian smiled. He was used to this kind of reactions. Even if he still didn't quite understand why. He was human, just like everyone else.

"Can I maybe take a picture with you?" She asked after the coffee was wiped away and the other woman had thrown her several glances that would have killed her if glances could kill.

"Uhm, sure." He said, smiling slightly.

When she came to him with her phone in her hand, she suddenly stopped "You are here for someone, am I right? How inappropriate that I am with bothering you with something like this."

"That's all right," he answered, "But yes, you're right, I'm here to visit someone."

"I have told you several times now that visiting hours are over!" The other woman interrupted again.

"Yes, I know, but you know it's almost impossible to go to the hospital undisturbed, without anyone seeing me or perhaps even taking a picture. And then thousands of rumors spread why I was here."

Christina nodded in agreement, "Yes, I cannot imagine how this must be for you."

"Besides, I just arrived back here."

"You have been some weeks in the US, haven't you?" After she finished the sentence, she blushed heavily "I mean, at least that's what I read on the Internet."

"Yes, that's true. Sometimes I just have to get out of here." He smiled. "Shall we take the picture then? Then I can go home again."

She nodded excitedly "Yes, of course."

It didn't take long until Christina made a selfie with him that she liked. He could see how the other woman rolled her eyes several times.

"Do you want one too?" He asked slightly provocative with an extra nice smile, that would make every woman melt. Actually, he was too tired to make sharp comments, but he couldn't resist.

The already annoyed woman put the records in her hand aside, put her hand on her hip and looked at him with a false smile.

"Most certainly not." She emphasized every word.

"You know," Began Christina after she had stared at the picture fo a few minutes, "I think we can make an exception when it comes to the visit."

"Really?" He asked surprised (he wasn't surprised at all).

At the same time, the older one asked: "What?"

Christina ignored her and gestured for him to follow her.

"Who do you need to visit?"

"My father. Richard Jones."

They went to the computer and it took a few seconds until she looked at him again.

"He currently is in intensive care, but he's getting better."

"Yes, I know."

She nodded "Then follow me please."

Killian followed her down the hall to the elevator where Christina pressed the button with the number 2. He cleared his throat, "I would appreciate if you could keep it quiet why I was here or that I was here at all."

"Of course. I understand very well, Mr. Jones and I assure you that nobody will learn it from me."

"Thank you very much."

"You're welcome."

He didn't want to play the "I am a Star, make an exception for me" card, but it was that had finally brought him to where he wanted to be. He doesn't like playing this card, but it's working again and again. His charm and his looks brought him where he wanted to be. And it worked every time.

It wasn't busy in the hallways on the second floor. They met some different nurses, but no one seemed to be surprised that he was there at all. They stopped in front of a door.

"I'll go see if your father is awake, please wait here."

When he nodded, she opened the door and disappeared into the room beyond. It was not long until the door opened again and she stepped back.

"He's awake, please come in."  
To his surprise, they didn't directly come to the room where his father was, but in a sort of antechamber.

"You have to put on special protective clothing, such as a special coat and a surgical mask, so that you are protected from getting infected and that you don't bring in new infections to the patient." She informed him and held out the clothes.

When he had put on the coat and it was closed, he put on the surgical mask and washed his hands.

"The rules are very strict." the nurse apologized.

"Oh, that's okay."

"Your father is much better, but we need to play it safe, that it remains like this and he may soon go back to a normal room. But right now it's better if we can check and observe him twenty-four seven."

Killian nodded.

"Well, when they are done then, you can go to your father now. Afterward, when you leave just throw the protective clothing in the container over there."

"Alright, will do."

He opened the door to the room where his father was. He was connected to multiple machines and looked at him. He actually looked surprised to see him here.

"Hello, father."

"Killian,"

"How are you?"

"Better now."

Then there was an awkward pause. It was an unpleasant situation. They haven't spoken since the day where Killian told his family about the divorce.  
He nodded, "I'm sorry that I couldn't be here sooner."

"I am surprised that you're here at all."

Killian remained silent.

"After our argument, I wasn't sure if you'd ever speak with us again. Even if your behavior was more than inappropriate. I still can't believe it."

Killian gritted his teeth and his jaw tensed visibly.  
"Maybe we shouldn't talk about this now."

"So you're still upset?"

"Father, just let it be. I'm here because I was worried, but if you want to fight with me now, I should leave now."

"I don't want to fight, boy." He paused for a moment "I've been thinking. You know, when you think that you will die, you think a lot about what happened."

"You would not have died,"

"I didn't know that a few days ago." He said hoarsely. "They were all here. Your mother held my hand and your brother sat next to me on the bed. Even Claire was  here quite often. I was never really alone. One was mostly here by my side, but you have been absent."

"Father,"

"No, Killian. Let me speak. I know you're pretty mad at me. And I'm pretty mad at you and don't understand your actions, but even when our family was here, I sometimes felt alone. Not complete. Because you were not here. You are also a part of me Killian. You are my son and you are a lot like me in some situations."

"I'm not like you." He said slightly bitter.

"Yes, you are. But you resemble your mother a lot more."

Killian looked down at his hands.

"Do people talk about it? About my divorce?"

"Some, yes. But not as many as I expected." His father coughed. "Maybe I was too hard on you, which doesn't mean that I like what you've done, but I shouldn't have judged you. You were right. You live your own life and you make your own mistakes, mistakes that I don't approve of and don't understand, but you're grown up and can decide on your own."

He had to swallow. Killian had absolutely no idea how to answer it.

"I haven't raised you an adulterer, but a human. And in my eyes a pretty good man. A Caring, helpful, polite and talented man. But people make mistakes. I also have made mistakes in my life that I regret, but no one is perfect  
And God knows. God didn't create us to be perfect. The situation, your situation, is hard for me because I can't comprehend it. And I know that that doesn't mean that we get along again, but it depends on the important things, and you must not forget, Killian one, you're my son and I love you more than you realize."

Killian stood in front of his father's bed all the time, but now he sat on the chair beside the bed.

"And if I'm going to die now, I have said the most important words."

He snorted "You will not die. You said yourself that you're better."

"Maybe I die unexpectedly."

"Stop being so over-dramatically!" He replied, shaking his head.

His father laughed broken.

All the machines that were connected frightened him.

"A few days ago there were much more."

He looked at his father. Killian knew that this dispute was not erased from the world and he knew that his father hadn't forgiven him for the betrayal. He was still mad at him, just as he was still mad at his family. As he had said to his mother, he couldn't forgive them yet. But he knew to appreciate his father's words, although it may only be the pain medicine that they gave him, that had spoken. He had underestimated him. Yet this conversation wasn't over yet. But he wouldn't continue it. Not now, not here.

Not one day before Christmas.


	14. There will be another sky, my love, just you wait.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s finally here!! Thank you for being so patient! The quote that’s also the chapter title is from the book “The life list” by Lori Nelson Spielman. 
> 
> Reviews and messages make my day and feed my muse. You guys have no idea how happy reviews make me. Thanks for all the kudos etc :)
> 
> Thank you for reading I hope you like it.
> 
> While writing this chapter I made tons of notes. I outlined the gift for Killian with his name and you can find it on my Tumblr.

**_Chapter 14: There will be another sky, my love, just you wait._ **

His mother hadn't been surprised to see him in the hospital the next morning. His brother was. Or at least Liam pretended as if he was surprised.

Presumably, he was not really surprised by the fact to find him there, but rather the fact that he and his father talked to each other.

He had tried to spend  most of the day with his family in the hospital but didn't make it. When he wanted to leave at noon, his mother held him gently by the arm.

"You'll come to our breakfast tomorrow, right?"

Killian hesitated.

"It's tradition, Killian. Have breakfast with us, there are gifts, in the evening we go to church together and then there's the dinner. Please, come. It is bad enough that your father will not be there."

He could not keep his mother's gaze. Actually, he had no desire to go there, but it was Christmas and his mother didn't feel well anyway. He would get through this one day. For his mother.

Killian nodded "I'll be there."

"Wonderful, thank you, darling."

The rest of the day passed by quickly. He still had a lot of things that he needed to get done and then went to bed early. The next morning he got up at eight so that he had enough time to shower before he would appear for the annual breakfast at his parents' house.

He knew that his mother was sad that his father couldn't really spend Christmas with them. He was feeling much better, though, but doctors didn't want to take any risk. He was still very weak and the risk that he would now get sick again was very high. 

They all would get their Christmas presents after they get home from church this year. The whole breakfast was exceptionally quiet. Everyone was careful to not say anything wrong. The Christmas service was actually the same as every year. But it interesting to see so many familiar faces.

A handshake here and a friendly nod there. He saw many of the boys with whom he had spent some time with at school. Many of them were fathers by now, but there were also cases in which it didn't look so good. One of his former fellow classmates apparently had some major problems in his life. 

He was looking for his family in the crowd in front of the church when he saw her. He recognized Milah from behind and he had to suppress rolling his eyes, as he watched his mother heading straight for her and embracing her to wish her a Merry Christmas.

That figures! His sister-in-law, Claire hugged her as well, Liam, as always being polite, just shook hands with her. The two had never been particularly close. Reluctantly, he also went over. When she saw him her eyes widened for a brief moment.

"Killian," she whispered. Thankfully, her friends and family with whom she had come here, were not really attentive and noticed him hardly.

"Milah,"

She forced a slight smile but he knew how much strength it took.

"Merry Christmas," he said gently.

"Yes, Merry Christmas to you too."

"Thank you,"

Then there was silence. He wanted to talk to her. He wondered how she's doing, if everything is okay, how she copes. Because he still was interested in it. It was important to him to know that she was fine and that she was happy. Even if this was currently obviously not the case. She was still important to him.

Milah cleared her throat, "Well then, good evening."

"Likewise," he replied.

Nobody lost a word about it. On the way back to his parents' home, he was silent most of the time.

They all gathered in the living room. His little niece was sleeping in a guest room.

"Well," His mother began after she got some drinks for everyone "The gifts for Killian first. Who wants to start?"

Liam gulped "I start."

He handed Killian one of the gifts. It was of medium height and flat.

"First I want you to know that it is not about the material  value but rather to the personal. But you already know this."

Liam nodded to the gift "Open it, then I'll explain."

Carefully Killian began to tear the wrapping paper. He hated that everyone was watching him, but he tried to ignore it. 

A white photo frame appeared. Behind the glass was not a photo, but something else. At the top, his first name was written in a blueish color. left under it the gender and right under it the origin of his name. In this case, it was Irish and Gaelic. underneath the gender and the origin were meanings of his name: church, little war, strife and fierce. And how the name is pronounced correctly: KILL-ee-un.

He managed a little smile.

The individual letters of his name were written down below each other. In each case a characteristic. For K it was kindhearted, inspiring for the I, for the first L it was loyal and lovable for the second one, the other I was intelligent,  for the A it was adventurous, and in the N it was noble.

Among them were still many other characterizations. He had to swallow.

"This is how we see you," Liam said quietly. "Each trait applies to you. We assembled it together with mom and dad. It's also a reminder to yourself. to remind you who you are and how you are. How much we love you. You do have your flaws sometimes but we don't love you any less because of them. And since I know how much you sometimes doubt yourself, I hope that this will help you. You are a great person Killian. And the best little brother in the world."

Killian swallowed and had to blink a couple of times to not lose his composure.  
"Younger brother." Was the first thing he whispered and it made everyone laugh.

He looked at his brother and then his brother's wife "thank you," he said a little louder this time, "honestly, I love it. Thank you very much."

Carefully Killian put his gift aside and stood up, "Come here," he told Liam and embraced him as he stood, "I love you too, Big Brother."

"So," His mother began "I guess it's my turn now."

She handed Killian his gift and he started to unwrap it slowly. Again, he felt all eyes resting on him. It was a photo album.

"Your father and I actually wanted to give it to you on your 30th birthday but give it to you now seemed more sensible."

He flipped to the first page. The first photo was not really a photo but an ultrasound image and a photo of his mother where she was pregnant with him. It covered all his years of life. Until his 29th year of age.

It must have been a lot of work to pick out the pictures and glue it into the book. In addition to each photo was a small description such as the date or the event. He would get a closer look later.

"That must have been a lot of work." He said and looked at his mother.

"It was worth it." She said. "You're worth it. Just like your brother, we want you just remember who you are, Killian. We love you on since your initial heartbeat and you know that you a planned child and you and Liam are the most precious things in our lives. And like any mother I want you to be happy and it breaks my heart to see you suffering like this.

I know how much pressure you have to bear and I know how strong you are. You always were. And I am also aware of how much you doubt yourself sometimes. You always want to please everyone and prove yourself but I think sometimes you forget that you don't have to. The not it's your job. I want to see you happy again. You have already accomplished so much and you can be proud of yourself. 

I think that you sometimes just forget to enjoy the moments, you know? You live your life but I think that sometimes you just have to take a moment to really enjoy it. Take your time, Killian. Time for yourself, time for your friends and your hobbies. Think about what makes you happy. Question yourself. Is that what I want? Does it make me happy? 

Live your life but also think about the consequences from time to time. As a parent, you only want the best and I know that life makes it difficult for you right now and you had to make many decisions that affect not only the present but also the future.

And I also know that one sometimes wonders whether it was the right decision. I want you to know that we are so incredibly proud of you and always will be. I think there is nothing in the world you could do, to make us love you any less. Of course, there are hard times in life but there are also plenty of things to which are worth fighting for. Like, family. Or love. It might seem like nothing goes as you had planned or that it all is too much, but we have your back. Always. Without any exception. 

Your life may be complicated right now, but if God wants you to grow, he makes you uncomfortable and puts obstacles in your way. And even if it looks as if it would never be over, it will be, because there can never be only sun or rain. Do you remember what I always told you if you were sad or desperate? When you saw no light?"

"There will be another sky, just you wait" whispered Killian.

His mother nodded and repeated "There will be another sky, my love, just you wait " She had tears in her eyes and tried to smile valiantly as he got up to embrace her.

"Thanks, that means a lot to me."

"Whenever you feel like you forget who you are, or if you feel like you are losing yourself. Just take a look at your photo album and you will remember again. We wish you all the best and we know that you'll find your way."

"Thank you, Mom."

"You're welcome. I love you, Killian. My little prince.”

Killian smiled, "I love you too."

Killian gave Liam the "brothers day" he wanted, because he thinks that they don't see each other enough because of Killian's job and because Killian, apparently, had no time for his hobbies. One day just him and his big brother.  
He knew that Liam wanted to go sailing with him and although he was not sure whether he unlearnt it, he looked forward to it. 

His gift for his sister-in-law was more of a gift for her and his brother. A weekend alone while he took care of his niece. A win-win situation.

The two would have some time alone and were able to drive or fly to a location of their choice, and he could spend some time with Ella.

"I can't even remember when we had an evening for ourselves. Or a whole weekend." Said Claire and looked at Liam.

"I honestly don't remember."

"So, it's been far too long. Thank you, Killian."

Finally the gift for his parents. Liam and he had planned it together. Even if it had been his idea and he also had taken care of the essentials.

"So," Began Liam "I must honestly confess that it was Killian's idea but I am one hundred percent convinced of that you and dad will love it."

"I know that you and dad wanted to spend honeymoon in Venice all those years ago and I also know that it didn't work for some reasons. It also wasn't really possible to go later, because you had Liam and later me. We both know that you are still dreaming of seeing Venice together and that's why we would like to give you a week in Venice."

"What?" His mother asked in disbelief.

"You will spend a week in one of  Venice's best hotels with all inclusive and of course you have a week to explore the city. You don't have to worry about the money. Liam and I will take care of all costs. Another highlight is that you will spend your 37th wedding anniversary in Venice. So a belated honeymoon." He grinned.

"We can't accept that," His mother said softly. He could see the tears gathering in her eyes.

"Yes, you can and you will. We won't accept a no for an answer." Replied Liam.

"You deserve it. You have done and sacrificed so much for us all these years. You were always there for us and always backed off. Now we want to give something back."

"Besides," Began Killian with an amused grin "We are somehow the reason why you never could go to Venice after your wedding."

Some tears flowed down his mother's cheeks as she laughed lightly "It was our decision to have you two."

"Okay, no further information, please."

Now she laughed even more and embraced both her sons at the same time "I can't say how grateful I am. And I can't wait to see your father's face when he learns of this."

* * *

 

He was really glad that Robin could pick him up from the airport and that he was not besieged by excessively many paparazzi.

"Welcome back." Robin greeted him when Killian got in the car.

"Thanks, man.”

"You know that you're always welcome."

Killian had met Robin on the set of one of his films. That was nearly one and a half years ago but ever since Robin was one of his best friends.

They supported each other, both in the private as well as in business matters. And although Robin is a few years older than he, they get along great and are (if they see each other) almost inseparable.

"You're my savior. I would not have endured New Year's Eve at home."

"I completely understand. Also, you would have been just sentimental sitting around and thinking about the past."

He had a point. Killian had toyed with the idea to sell the house he and Milah used to live in for days now.

Killian had always felt comfortable, domestic and safe but since he lives in there alone, it's different. It doesn't give warmth off, not a bit security. And he wondered whether he might not yet leave his home country for a while and settle anywhere in the US. What's the big deal? It certainly would not be forever, but he had enough money to get somewhere to buy a fancy second house. And of course he would be even closer to the roles he could play. It would be so much easier for him.

"Additionally," Robin continued and interrupted his thoughts, "I currently have so much stress that support and distraction from a friend are just right."

Robin's life was at least at one point so crappy like his own.

"Is it about the little one?" He asked.

His friend nodded "Yes,"

Just as he, Robin had met a young woman in his youth, that he would have referred  as the love of his life just a few years ago. They married and had a son about 6 years ago.

After that, everything went down. Just three years after Roland's birth they divorced. since then it's a constant back and forth with whom the kid should be. Marian was a polite, nice woman who loved her son, but sometimes she was a lot to handle.

She and Robin tried it, despite all the difficulties, yet somehow to make it as good as they could. For their son. It was still difficult because Robin was gone so much because of acting and couldn't always his son. In addition, Roland would soon go to primary school. That would make it, even more, harder than it was now.

Another reason for their fights was the woman Robin had met recently. according to Robin, it was nothing serious. Not yet! But Killian knew that his friend liked her a lot. He downright raved over her. 

Marian, however, wasn't a fan of it and thinks that it would be so much more difficult for Roland when Robin has somebody else at his side. He wouldn't understand and that this woman generally wouldn't be a good deal for their son.

Killian only knew that the two women had apparently met before and that meeting probably didn't go so well.

Killian sighed "Well, it feel like the lord is testing us. Doesn't it?"

"One could say so." Laughed Robin "The older Roland gets, the harder it is to get everything together, but the more he understands."

There was a slight pause before Killian decided to change the subject, "So what do we do tonight to celebrate the new year?"

"Well, Roland is with his mother and we have several invitations to various parties." His mate clarified "We could pick and choose the best. But if you don't mind, I think I know a party where we could go."

He was right. Many celebrities throw a big  New Year's Eve's party with many famous guests, great food, and great music.

"What's that?"

Robin cleared his throat "Well, Jefferson Madhat will throw a party this evening. How actually every year and his parties are awesome."

"Madhat? Is that really his last name? I mean like seriously?" He asked slightly grinning. He had already met Jefferson on several events but only knew him fleetingly.

"I don't know." Robin shrugged "I think it's his stage name, but I don't really care."

"Let's be in serious," Killian began "But the guy has a screw loose right?"

Robin grinned too "Certainly. No idea whether he's taking any drugs but he's pretty crazy.”

"So tonight to his party?"

"Yes, there will be many people that we know.”

"Even your lass?"

"Regina is not my 'lass'."

"Ahh Regina is the unknown. And no apparently she's not your lass. Not yet.”

"Yes, her name is Regina and I have no idea whether she will be there. Her mother also has a celebration tonight and will certainly require Regina's presence."

"But this Regina is full of age, right?" Killian quipped, whereupon Robin punched him in the arm without taking his eyes off the road.

"Cora Mills likes to have everything under control."

"Cora Mills? The Cora Mills from Mills International?" Killian raised his eyebrows,

"You and the heir of Mills International are together? With the daughter of couturiére Cora Mills?"

"We are not a couple, Killian. And besides, Regina is reluctant to stand in the shadow of her mother. She doesn't like it."

"Hey, at least she will be Queen of the whole fashion empire one day."

"She just wants to do her own thing, as we all do." Said Robin before he turned into the driveway to his villa.

* * *

 

A few hours later they were back in the car, on their way to the party. Thankfully, Jefferson's mansion was not too far from Robin's. Robin had previously even called Jefferson to make sure that he was allowed to bring Killian. Jefferson obviously didn't mind. 

When they got out of the car the party already was in full swing. No wonder. It was 9:30 in the evening. Killian rolled the sleeves of his shirt up and followed his mate  to the entrance of the mansion. 

Guests who were not on the guest list were obviously undesirable since they were asked for their names  at the gate to Jefferson's property.  
Only when one of the guards had nodded to another, they were allowed to keep going. It is a private circle. No unwanted surprises. All relatively private. 

Of course, it wouldn't be so cool if some of the invited guests would have a mega crash and there were any pictures that would appear in one of the tabloids the next morning. At the front door, they were greeted by an already slightly drunken Jefferson. 

They chatted with him briefly before Jefferson sent them further to the kitchen to get some drinks. Killian saw some familiar faces. Several actors, singers, models or presenters he knew and with whom he could converse.

He hated to go to a party where he doesn't know anyone. He usually doesn't take long to find someone to talk with, but it still much easier if he knew the people who were around him, which usually wasn't the case at his job. However, one got to know new people who may even become close friends.  
The DJ did a good job. Many were dancing. And he watched them for some time.

"Killian!" Robin, who had talked to Chris Pine until a few seconds ago, interrupted his thoughts. Again!

"I want you to meet someone."

'As if I don't know Chris Pine!' He thought and shook his head. But he was wrong Chris was gone again. 

Before him stood a dark-haired woman, who was certainly a few years older than himself. Her hair, which was slightly longer than shoulder-length, covered a bit of the red dress she wore. Her dark brown eyes fit the color of her hair well and the lipstick she had applied was precisely matched to the color of her dress.

It wasn't a short party dress, as was almost every other woman here wore, but rather knee-length and modest looking. Perhaps modest was not quite the right word, because he was almost certain that this woman was not really modest. Disciplined and Elegant? Yes definitely, but not modest. He could see it in her eyes.

"That's Regina." Said his friend happily "Regina, this is Killian."

They shook hands briefly before Regina faked a smile "Oh, the man who cheated on his wife with a teenager."

Killian's smile dropped from his face and his expression became hard. How dare she? His left hand clutching the beer bottle so tightly he was sure she would burst if he keeps holding it so firmly.

"Regina!" Robin hissed beside her, but she kept grinning at him with a sneering look on her face.

"Oh, you are the daughter of Cora Mills!" He began when he remembered that Regina doesn't like to stand in the shadow of her mother Cora "Your mother is legendary, but of you, I have never heard." He grinned. 

Well, two can play this game. 

This wannabe queen wants a fight? She can have a fight.

He could have added something else but the look on her face told him that this was enough already.

Regina swallowed and then raised her chin just a little bit higher "If I were you, I would be very careful." She hissed softly.

"And If I were you, I would stay out of other people's business and instead shut the fuck up." He countered.

She provocatively raised her eyebrows "And why do you think that I don't know about it? Believe me, the news tell everything about you and your little girlfriend."

"Oh yes? From you, we hear nothing!" He replied serenely without breaking the eye contact. Just to rub it in a bit. He could tell how much it pissed her off.

"Regina, that's enough!" Robin hissed again. "Killian is one of my best friends, so pull yourself together, please, okay?"

Regina nodded for Robin's sake. He could see it clearly wasn't done for her. "Of course, excuse me. It was not my intention to meddle in your life. You're right, I have no clue and shouldn't judge you. "

Killian nodded. What a snake in the grass.

As quickly as Regina was there, she was gone again. He had no idea where she was out at once, but he didn't care. He and Robin drank another beer and talked about how Christmas had been.

Some time later, a pretty blonde joined them, trying to chat him up all the time. She  constantly made compliments and praised him unusually often for his talent for acting. She was pretty. No question, but not nearly as pretty as Emma.

Emma was a goddess when it came to him. Beautiful and yet so stormy.  
Killian didn't listen to the jabbering of the blonde, whose breasts were definitely fake but sank into his thoughts about Emma.

He thought of her eyes and her smile, how confident she was, but at the same time so lonely and vulnerable. Her armor protected her not only of the disappointment that she could feel but also of love.

In his mind, he heard her laugh. What a beautiful laugh she has. He heard it still and it took quite a time until he realized that he didn't hear it in his mind. 

It was here. She was here. At this party. In this room. So close that he could hear her laugh.

"Excuse me," he said to the blonde and didn't even wait for an answer. He stormed off to look for her. He let his gaze wander and found her.

There she was. 

She stood on the terrace with a glass of champagne in hand, surrounded by people. Her cousin was standing beside her. Emma looked beautiful, which was no surprise, of course. 

He drew a sharp breath as he admired her dress. She actually wore leather. A leather dress that went to the middle of her thighs. It had broad support and only a very little neck. She looked really stunning.

Suddenly she turned and stared at him "Killian?"

"Hey," He took a few steps toward her to greet her properly. When he was near her they hugged briefly.

"I didn't know you'd be here."

"It was a fairly short-term decision. I am here with a good friend of mine." He said nodding 

"Hello, Elsa."

"Hey, Killian."

"Incidentally, it is also surprising to see you here," he said directed to Emma and licked his lips. He noticed how her eyes darted to his lips for only a moment.

"Yes, I'm here with some acquaintances here," she said, and glanced at the group of people with whom she had just spoken, "Did you have a merry Christmas?"

Killian nodded "Yes, a bit exhausting but beautiful. But it was different. My father wasn't with us this year."

"Why not?"

"He's in the hospital."

"What happened?"

"He had severe pneumonia and has abducted it, but he feels a lot better now."  
Emma nodded "thank God. And how are you?"

"I deal with it. But yes under the circumstances, it is according to me quite well. Now I want to sell the house soon."

"For real? I didn't know that you no longer want to live in it."

He sighed, "I, until recently, no. I .. It's just not like it used to be. I can't do this any longer." He confessed.

The loud music from the inside was not as deafening here.

Emma looked down at her fingers, enclosed the glass "I can understand that. I also recently just moved."

"Wow really? Where to?"

"Beverly Hills. I just had to get out, just like you."

"We haven't spoken in a long time, am I right?" He admitted and scratched his right ear.

She tried to smile, "Right. We both are busy persons, I guess-”

"Yes, probably."

Emma took another sip from her glass "And where do you wanna go?"

"Somewhere here in the area of L.A."

"Then you should look at Beverly Hills in any case."

"Okay, I will."

She smiled at him and his heart beat faster. He wondered whether she felt the same way he did. All this time where they didn't see each other, the feeling were repressed but now  she's here. With him. And all the feeling were suddenly back.

"Listen up, you motherfuckers!" Shouted a "slightly" drunk Jefferson into a microphone. "It is 10 to twelve! So if you want to see the fireworks, I would suggest you search yourself a good place! Grab a drink for the toast and someone for your New Year's Kiss," He added and winked at someone.

"By the way! Really cool that you all are here and we can celebrate together! I love you!"

Emma raised her eyebrows "I think Jefferson had a few drinks too much."

"I think so too." 

He let his gaze wander in order to find Robin. He found him a few meters away next to Regina, the two chatted and laughed.

The people from inside came out into the garden to see the fireworks.

"Are you going back to your friends?" He asked Emma, hoping that she would stay with him.

Luckily for him, she shook her head "No, I'll stay here with you, unless you want to search for your friend."

He also shook his head "Nah, he's busy." He said and nodded in Robin's direction.

"Shall we stay here or find another place?"

They were now surrounded by other people.

"Come on." He said and Emma followed him.

On a more quiet place, he stopped. It was further in Jefferson's enormous garden, quite a few meters from the mansion and the terrace. The music was still loud, but much quieter than it was a few moments ago. They were near a garden pond. The moon and the lights were reflected in the Blue Water. Around it were flowers in various colors. Had Jefferson  a fable for flowers? Some garden lamps lit the way back or to the pool house. The lightning made her look beautiful.

Not far from them were the pool and the pool house. More and more people came into the huge garden. It couldn't be long until midnight.

"So, that's it. That was 2015, huh?"

"Looks like it."

"May the New Year be gracious with us," Emma whispered.

He knew that she was thinking about her mother in the last moments of this year.

Behind them, the people began the countdown.

10  
He thought of Milah.  
9  
And everything happened this year.  
8  
Of the good  
7  
and the bad things.  
6  
He thought about how he had met Emma and their night in Berlin.  
5  
About the new friends he made.  
4  
and about what he had lost.  
3  
He thought of his family  
2  
And thanked the Lord for this year. Even though it was  a hard one.  
1  
And he hoped that the new year would be a good year.

Behind him, the people were happy and cheered and he looked at Emma, who looked at him as well. Above them, the bright colors of fireworks lightened the night sky. It dipped her appearance in pink and red and she smiled at him. She was really beautiful.

They said nothing, just looked at each other for a moment and he wasn't sure if he was the one who leaned toward her or whether she was the one who leaned in. But it didn't really matter because a few seconds later, he pressed his lips to hers or she to his? Again his heart beat faster and he could not think clearly.

He deepened the kiss and buried his hand in her hair after he had pulled her closer towards him. Killian couldn't stop kissing her. Again it was like a rush. When he felt her tongue on his lower lip, he opened his mouth. And relieved he stated that she couldn't stop either.


	15. Take a chance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here it is! Took me some time because my muse decided to let me down. Anyway, I hope you like it. I’d love some feedback because this was a hard chapter for me to write and I’m kinda proud of it. I’d love to hear your opinion! :)
> 
> Reviews, follows and kudos make me happy! Enjoy!
> 
> PS: For the photos, I had the ones from shooting episode 6x05 in mind. I'll link it on the chapter post on my Tumblr (xthecaptainssaviorx)

**Chapter 15**

It seemed like an eternity later as they broke apart and she licked her lips without interrupting the eye contact.

"What was that?" He asked hoarsely.

She grinned fiery "Jefferson did say we should have someone for the New Year's Kiss," She bit her lightly on her lower lip, but he could only continue to stare. Her temperament apparently left and she looked embarrassed at her champagne glass.

"Hey, Hey, no." Began Killian almost panicky "I didn't mean it like that! You just surprised me. Or did I surprise myself?"

Your cheeks turned pink and she smiled again. She lifted her eyes and looked at him "Again, Happy New Year, Killian. I wish you all the best you could think of."

"Happy New Year, Emma. The same for you."

As Killian later that night searched for Robin, to take a chauffeur service home, he found him with Regina. He was surprised that she didn't make any comments. Robin and he said goodbye to Jefferson and made their way to Robin's home.

* * *

 

When he awoke he didn't know what time it was. He could only remember half of what happened last night. How much did he drink? Actually, Killian was pretty hard-drinking. That was for sure. He could hold pretty much liquor.

But still, he had a hangover. Groaning, he narrowed his eyes and turned around. It was just too light in this room. Blind he fumbled for his phone on the bedside table and then blinked to fin out what time it was. 2:07 at noon. Killian let his phone fall down on the bed and pulled back the blanket. He urgently needed an aspirin and a cup of coffee. And a cold shower wouldn't be bad either. It took a few minutes until he finally could bring himself to get out of bed.

Yawning, he crept down the stairs, looking for aspirin. When he washed it straight down with a sip of water, Robin came down the stairs. Robin looked to Killian's encouragement just as bad and drained like himself.

He handed Robin the aspirins and a glass of water.

"Thank you," croaked Robin.

"I have to take a cold shower." Said Killian while he made his way to the guest room. He didn't hear Robin's response if he had responded at all. He picked out some clothes and towels and then looked at his phone once more. Three missed calls. Two of Liam and one from his manager. And 35 new Whatsapp messages.

"What the bloody hell?" He muttered though he was actually sure that they all want to wish a Happy New Year. He would deal with it later.

Killian put his phone away, took his things and disappeared into the bathroom. He took off his clothes and threw them on the floor. Then he went over to the shower, turned on the tap and stood under the jet of water. Cold water poured over his body and for a moment all the tiny hairs on his body rose and he's got goosebumps because it was so cold. But this time, it didn't bother him. He enjoyed it. For a few minutes, he just stood under the jet of cold water without even getting ready to wash. Eventually, he hurried with washing, as he slowly began to freeze. He washed his hair and soaped his body with body wash, before rinsing it off.

Killian dried off slightly and wrapped a towel around his waist before he went to the sink to brush his teeth. After he had dressed and felt a little better, he took his phone and looked at the messages he got. At some, he knit his brows because they absolutely made no sense. Without going through more messages he dialed Liam's number and waited until he heard the voice of his big brother

"Liam? What's going on?"

"You haven't seen it yet?"

Killian squinted again before he shut the curtains of his window "What haven't I seen yet. Liam, what are you talking about?"

He heard Liam sigh "You are in the news. Again."

Yes. Again. He was already used to that all his steps were supervised by the press and paparazzi. So it was nothing new when the world was talking about him again

"This is nothing new, Liam. What is it? Why do you sound so worried?"

"Yo, Killian!" He heard Robin call from downstairs "You have to see this!"

He heard Liam clearing his throat "Go, little brother but call me later. Okay?"

He was totally confused but nodded anyway until he noticed that his brother was thousands of miles away from him and couldn't see him, "Aye,will do."

When he hung up he jogged with his phone in his hand back down the stairs where he found Robin in the kitchen.

"You won't like it." Said his friend and shoved his phone across the table.

"Dirty secret finally revealed." He read softly "What the hell?!"

He scrolled down and seriously found several photos of him and Emma last night. Not made some time but the exact moment where they were kissing each other. In one of the most intimate moments of this evening, where they both had felt safe and unobserved. He didn't even read the article but shoved the phone to Robin.

"They are all over the internet." Said his friend.

"How the fucking hell is that possible? The party was private. I thought everything was closed up."

Robin shook his head "I don't know, Killian. But was from the standpoint of where the pictures were taken it may not have been a paparazzi."

"You mean it was someone who.."

"Was at the party. Exactly."

Killian ran his fingers through the still damp hair "Fucking hell!"

Only now he understood the whole drama. Why Liam and his manager had tried to call him. And all the WhatsApp messages that didn't make sense."

"Ignore what the media writes. This is all a lie anyway. Believe me, read it. There are no solid arguments. Only presumptions and other bullshit."

"The photos don't lie."

"Killian, listen stop reading this crap."

He groaned, "I need to call my manager."

The conversation with his manager Michael was unlike Killian had thought it would be. He had expected that Michael was angry or at least annoyed but he wasn't. He said he could use the situation. His manager was a friend of his and they got along quite well. Killian knew that Michael only wanted his best but sometimes they had different opinions when it came to his career or his personal life. He didn't want to exploit the situation with Emma.

Especially because he doesn't know how she feels about it at the moment.

When he came back to the kitchen Robin took sip of coffee

"Jefferson tried to call you. Because you were occupied, he then called me."

Killian raised his eyebrows "Oh really?"

"He apologized and he doesn't know himself how this could happen. But really he's sorry that your privacy was disturbed by a guest of his."

"It's not his fault."

"But he feels guilty anyway."

He laughed slightly "He's one of the good guys, isn't he?"

Robin nodded "Yes, he is,"

* * *

**Emma POV**

She sighed when she saw her Twitter feed. Everywhere she found the pictures of her and Killian at the party. Great how the new year started. "This can't be true," Emma groaned annoyed as she realized that she was a guest on the Jimmy Kimmel Show later. The timing was more than perfect. It wasn't new to her but sometimes she didn't know how to deal with the media and the pressure.

She felt Elsa looking at her, "What?"

Elsa took another sip of her tea and smiled "Nothing,"

"Out with the truth, Elsa."

"I knew he fancies you."

"Who? Killian?"

Elsa nodded "It's obvious. And now with these photos."

"Stop it. This is private. It's bad enough that there even are pics and now they're leaked to the media."

"Why?"

"Because neither of us has time to deal with this right now."

"Emma," Began Elsa "The timing for such a thing is never perfect."

"Great. Nevertheless, now the whole world knows that we kissed."

"You mean that you have a thing for each other."

"Elsa!"

"What? It's the truth! For weeks you've been prancing around each other."

Emma groaned, "Let it be, please."

"This is nothing bad!" Her cousin protested  "Sexual attraction is completely normal!"

"But not like this! Especially not now!"

"Oh, and when do you think it'll be a good time? Go, get him before another one does and you're disappointed." Elsa continued, stuffing a mini muffin in her mouth.

When her phone rang and she saw Killian's name light up on the display, she thought about ignoring him for a brief moment.

"Answer it!"

She threw Elsa a glance and then picked up her phone

"Killian?"

"Emma, Hey! I , uh just wanted to call you because of the thing with the photos. You've probably seen them."

She gulped “Yeah, I've seen them.”

She swallowed "Yes, I have."

"What shall we do now?"

Emma shrugged even though she knew that Killian couldn't see her.

"No idea. Maybe our lawyers should sue the magazines, that continue to publish the pictures. I mean they are on the Internet now and we'll never get them entirely deleted anyway. screenshots and stuff "

"I think we shouldn't do anything."

"What exactly do you mean?"

"Well, we simply ignore it. We just pretend like the pictures don't exist. As you said, we can't do anything about it now. They're all over the internet. It's too late. We just go on as we have done it without the pics. We give no public statement, we won' answer any questions about it, neither to fans nor to reporters. It's been an intervention in our privacy but that doesn't mean that they can jump around with us as they please."

"Sounds good."

"Then we'll do it like that?"

"Yep,"

"Okay well, then I will not bother you further."

"Okay, we'll hear from each other."

She waited for him to hang up, but instead she heard him take a breath "Emma?"

"Yes?"

A little pause "Do you regret it? The kiss I mean."

This time, she was the one who paused. Not because she has to think about it but because she wondered why he wanted to know . "No," she brought finally out softly, "I don't regret it."

"Good. Neither do I."

She looked down at her hands, smiling and they ended the call.

When she looked back she saw Elsa smile behind her teacup.

"Don't say anything!"

Elsa's smile got even wider "You've got it so bad for him,"

Emma snorted and went to her room.

* * *

 

Emma couldn't stop Jimmy Kimmel from asking about the pictures from last night, so he did. There were cheers and catcalls from the audience while she wondered how she could respond to his question. She and Killian had agreed, that they wouldn't talk about it, and don't make a public statement but how should she reply to Jimmy's question?

She smiled kindly at Jimmy "What am I supposed to say now? What do you want me to say, Jimmy?"

Jimmy laughed, "How about the truth? Everyone here wants to know what's going on with you two.

Well. That's good. Because she'd like to know the same thing.

Emma remained calm and didn't even flinch, "You know, I don't know what you're talking about."

The audience laughed but she didn't. She really didn't want to talk about. She had promised Killian.

"Aha!" Burst out Jimmy as if he had caught her in her thoughts. But she looked at him quite calmly, hoping that he would soon change the subject.

"So, you don't want to say anything about it? Or share something with us?"

"As I said. I don't know what you're talking about."

This time, she smiled innocently and hoped that the issue would be off the table now. And Jimmy finally seemed to understand and changed the topic.

* * *

 

For days, she didn't hear anything from Killian and the media seemed to calm down. When she was in the city shopping she got a message from Killian.

"So, you know any good broker in Los Angeles?"

A smile crept on her face.

"Of course!" She answered quickly. She gave him the phone number of her realtor and waited for his answer.

"Thank you!"

"Sure thing."

In the evening she and Elsa went running together to keep fit. There were so many things buzzing around in her head, that she was looking forward to getting a clear head while running, the whole day. She had been offered more film roles she had to go to then accept or reject. 

Elsa and Emma didn't talk much while running and Emma was glad that her cousin didn't ask her about Killian. When they arrived back at their apartment, she was quite out of breath even though she was really good in training. Apparently, running and also any kind of training was neglected in recent weeks. 

After showering and dinner they went in the living room on the couch she went through several offers for film roles while Elsa watched one of her favorite shows. Again and again, her eyes wandered back and forth between the TV and the scripts in her hands.

Most of them sounded pretty good and would definitely help her become a better actress, but she was aware of that she wasn't able to take every role because of their tight deadlines and long shooting times. Elsa was worried anyway that she was taking too many roles.

"Something good here?" Asked Elsa at once and nodded to the scripts in her hands.

Emma nodded "Yes, but I can't accept all of them. I don't have enough time to do so."

"How this work anyway? Do you have to go to a casting then or are all roles only offered to you?"

"That depends. Here I have two or three that explicitly want me in this role and made me an offer for it. And for the others, I'd have to record a video of me reading or "acting" a certain scene from the script and then go to some kind of casting. Then again read the script while some casting directors from the movie are there or read with another person and then you'll see what will happen, I guess."

"Sounds Annoying."

"You get used to it."

* * *

 

**Killian POV**

Together with Robin, he watched Emma's interview with Jimmy Kimmel. He didn't even notice how he bit down on his lower lip while watching her.

"She is cute. Wait. Isn't this the girl from the party?" Asked Robin.

"Yes, she was." He didn't know if Robin didn't notice or whether he just didn't know that Emma was the one of the photos, but then Jimmy asked Emma on television about the photos and Robin seemed to get it.

His mate looked at him demonstratively.

"What?" He asked.

"Why didn't you say that Emma's the girl of the pictures?"

"I thought that you knew."

Robin drew his eyebrows "So what's going on between you two?"

"Nothing at all,"

"Yes, obviously not." He snorted.

Killian sighed "What do you want to hear?"

"What's your story?"

Now he was the one who drew his eyebrows "Our story?"

"Well, how did you meet? How did it come that you kissed on New Year's Eve?"

Robin grinned and Kilian put his glass of water down on the coffee table.

"This has to stay between us, okay? I trust you, man."

Robin shook his head and punched him on the shoulder, "Who do you think I am? Of course, that's between us! Everything you tell me stays between us!"

Killian ran his fingers through his hair, "I know, no idea what's going on with me. I guess I don't want to deal with more gossip."

"I know,"

"Okay, well, we met on set of _the lonely thorn._ I don't know, we got along really well right away. She is sweet, polite, incredibly ambitious and a really great actress. I feel like she could conquer the world if she only wanted to." He paused "We became friends and while my marriage apparently was getting worse, I always felt good with Emma.  We got closer on the promotional tour and we had a one night stand. Then we decided that it would be best if we just forget the night and just stay friends. That's the short version."

"Oh wow. And that's also the reason for the divorce?"

"Not the way you might think. Milah and I didn't have a divorce so that I could be with Emma. I think our marriage wasn't how it should have been for a long time, and what I had with Emma was then the decisive reason for the divorce.

I don't blame Milah. She wanted more than I could give her. Although she had never said it or perhaps wasn't even aware of. She needed me at home, you know? She wanted me home, start a family and raise our children but that was not possible with a husband who was rarely home at all. We were happy, yes. But apparently, it wasn't enough.

I noticed it for the first time after I had the little affair with Emma. I wondered how it could be that I have feelings for two women. How could that be when I'm happily married. I knew it was wrong and I tried to ignore the feelings for Emma but it just wasn't possible."

"And now?"

"What do you mean?"

"How do your feelings for Emma look now?"

Killian snorted "I feel as if you are my therapist."

"No, Seriously what's stopping you now from spending more time with Emma? You don't have to get married. Just see what will happen."

"Robin, I'm through with all the divorce stuff and at home I own a house where I'm still not sure what to do with it, I just have re-tolerated with my family and now the thing with the pictures. I need a break."

"And you shall have it, no question. But think about it. Has anything changed with your feelings for her?"

He gulped "No idea."

"I don' think so. I think those feelings are there and they're even stronger than you think and very deep inside you know that."

Killian looked down at his hands.

"Killian, I don't want to start again with the photos of New Year's Eve but you two look quite familiar. I think you're the one who gets in the way."

"I don't have time for this, okay? I need a break."

"I've seen how you look at her, I've heard the way you talk about her and I saw that these feelings are mutual. It looks like she likes you a lot,"

Killian took a breath to interrupt him, but Robin didn't let him speak. "Yes, I saw that. This can be seen in the photos and I saw you at the party. In my opinion, there is something between you what you don't see, or just don't want to admit."

"The timing just sucks. If circumstances were different, then.."

"Then what? Would you try it with her?"

"I don't know, Robin. I really don't know."

"And the time for such things always sucks, believe me. I've been through all of this shit too. Or have you forgotten? The thing with Marian and then I met Regina and for me, it wasn't easy, and you want to know why?"

"Why?"

"Because I was scared. Although we were divorced three years I was damn scared o meet someone new, let alone to have a relationship with another woman because I didn't know what the other's would say, what Marian would say or my family. Because it was important to me that everyone who matters to me happy was before I could be. Marian was still important to me after three years and she still is important now. So, yes, I can imagine how you must feel. And I understand that you're scared of what might happen or what others will say. But believe me when I say that this feeling won't pass. Not tomorrow, not in five months and not even in three years."

"It is just too early for something new."

"How so? Because you're afraid that you'll hurt your ex-wife?"

"She has been through enough already. I was a crappy husband."

"Yeah, because you may have found a girl that better suits you than your wife."

Killian shot him a look.

"What? It is not a crime to say this. Of course, you and your ex were a great couple, so were Marian and me at the beginning of our relationship, but it happens. People change, Killian. You were together since your youth, right? Your wife was your first love?"

He nodded

"About this a long time and also the time that you were perhaps separated by your profession you simply changed. It's normal to be another person with 30 than you were with 17 or 20. People change and grow in their personality. That's nothing bad. People drift apart and things happen you never thought they would ever happen. In the early 20s, one thought that he, no idea, would have 6 children and at the age of 30 he wants none. Who knows.

Our dreams and desires are changing, as are the goals that you have or how you see the world or yourself. You've changed and so did your ex-wife and perhaps you would still be married without your affair but would you be happy? Perhaps you would be separated already without your mistake or would have gotten a divorce in a few years. Who knows. 

It's nothing bad to evolve. Milah was an important part of your life and you should be grateful for that but it's over. I understand that you don't want to hurt her but as I said this fear never really goes away because, after everything that happened, she still is important for you. _Take a chance_."

"What?"

"Meet up with Emma,"

"Robin," he groaned.

"It doesn't have to be a date or something. Just to find out what's up now. To find out how strong your feelings are. I think you would see a lot clearer than it is now."

"I don't know,"

"Didn't you ask her for a broker?"

"Yes, why?"

"Meet her for a coffee as a small thank you. Nothing big."

"And then?"

"Then you'll see what happens."

* * *

 

**Emma POV**

She always had the same routine the next days. Emma got up at 8:30, drank some coconut water, then she running with Elsa (if she didn't have to be at the university), showered and ate breakfast. Then she mostly had any meetings with different people of the film industry or did photo shoots for different magazines. Either there were auditions or talks for roles. At noon she met with Elsa and they ate lunch together and then she often had interviews or had to attend some gala or whatever.

Soon her daily routine would change. She was aware of that. When she would start filming different movies again, she would have even less free time than she has now. For lunch, she and Elsa met in an Italian restaurant when she received a message from Killian. She put her fork down to look up what he wanted. When she read it, it made her smile.

"What is it?" Asked Elsa.

"Killian wants to meet me for coffee."


	16. Ocean and Rum

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey there! And Happy Halloween my friends!
> 
> Thanks a lot for reading. I hope you like it. I have to admit that I'm not sure how I feel about this chapter. I feel like it could have been better..
> 
> Anyway, if you follow me on Tumblr you probably know that I had major issues with my writing program. After I edited the chapter on Saturday everything was perfectly fine and then when I wanted to open the file again, it was completely gone. You can read all about it on my blog if you want to ;)

Killian's POV  
He had followed Robin's advice and sent Emma a message. First, he didn't know what exactly he should write but then decided to just ask her if she wanted to meet for coffee.  
After he had sent his message, he waited for her to answer. 

Killian knew that she was working and that she didn't have her phone with her all the time, but he still held his phone the whole time until she finally answered.

He didn't miss Robin's knowing grin, but he had decided to ignore it.

"Well," Robin spoke, "When will you meet?"

Killian raised his eyebrows "What makes you so sure that we meet at all?"

Now Robin snorted, "Please, it's obvious."

"Oh, yeah?"

"Yes. Firstly, I'm 99 percent sure that she wouldn't say no, and secondly, you've been acting like a lovesick puppy dog."

"I'm not a lovesick puppy dog," Protested Killian annoyed.

"That's not what I said. I said you're acting like that, not that you're one. And now spill. When do you meet her?"

"Next Monday."

Robin hummed "Hmm,"

"Yeah, and until then I've got tons of things to do." That wasn't even a lie. He still had lots of things to do. For example, he would soon meet the broker for a house in L.A and then he would have to fly back home to look after the house in Ireland. 

He was sure he would sell it. What else could he do with it? He had bought it together with Milah a few years ago. It wouldn't feel right if he kept it now. Killian knew how it feels to live alone, and no matter what he looked at, it would remind him of his failed marriage.

It was time he closed this chapter in his life and started a new, fresh one. A thing that might not happen in his home country, but in the States.  
In addition to the advantages for his job, there were other aspects that made him choose Los Angeles. Many of his friends lived here, it would be a completely different environment than in Ireland, a different weather and in general, where could he start his new chapter better than here?

Next week he would fly home for a few days and take care of everything. He was aware that even if the house belonged to him now, he would have to inform Milah. He would have done it anyway. It'd feel wrong to give away something that belonged to her as well and not even tell her. Killian didn't want to act like an asshole. In addition, he and Liam would begin planning their trip in spring. Until then, there's lots of time left but Killian was now a busy man and had to plan weeks if not even months in advance.

Liam had asked him on the phone and he sounded as if he could hardly wait to get out. Killian knew that he loved his wife and daughter, but he could understand that he had to get out for a while. And he was looking forward to it too. They weren't sure where they would go, but Killian had an idea. He was almost certain that it would be for several days instead of the one that was promised.

They wanted to go sailing but he wasn't sure if it would be too close to home if they did it in Ireland. In addition, the temperatures in spring to go sailing were not so great. You could do it of course if you want to but in his opinion, it was still too cold for that.

And Liam wanted to get out. Why not entirely away from Ireland. At least for a few days. Ireland was beautiful, no question but it was clear to him that they wouldn't stay on the east coast. Liam needed some time without his family just with Killian. And Killian knew his brother. He would go back immediately if his wife would call or something, it would be way harder if he wasn't in Ireland at all.

"When are you going back?" Robin asked suddenly.

"Next week on Tuesday. Then you'll be rid of me."

Robin nodded, "You can stay as long as you want, you know that."

"I am grateful for that."

"Well, only you that know it. You are always welcome here."

"Thanks, man. But it's time for me to find my own home. New chapter and stuff."

"I understand that."

"When will you see your little one again?"

Robin gave a sigh "I don't really know, Marian hasn't really said anything. I mean she's not a bad woman and for God's sake, not a bad mother but sometimes it's really annoying that I don't have Roland with me constantly. But I also understand why that doesn't work. Soon everything will start again, I'll only fly from set to set because of different shooting times and I would like to have Roland with me."

"I understand,"

Later the same day, Killian spoke with the broker Emma had recommended to him to talk about his new home. They considered different neighborhoods as well as different house types and things that were important to him, things he needed in his new home. And now the broker would look for something fitting.

His thoughts were about whether he should buy a new house in his home country. Something where he can stay when he's visiting. He didn't really want to stay with his parents and with his brother, would feel wrong too. Still, he pushed that thought aside. He would take care of his new home here in the States for now.

On Monday, he would meet with Emma, Tuesday he'll fly back home to take care of everything and plan the trip with his brother. He had no idea how long Liam would have time to get away but flying wouldn't be worth it for a day or two. Actually, it didn't matter to him as long as they have everything planned until he flies back.

Two and a half weeks later on Monday, the shooting for his new movie begins in New Orleans. He sighed as he realized how stressful it would be. He hoped that he would have a new home until then and preferably already moved in before he would fly to New Orleans. Killian knew that this would most likely not be possible but he still hoped that it would work somehow.

The next few days passed quickly. He had a meeting with producers of the new movie and then began to learn his texts for the first few scenes.  
Actually, he never had problems with memorizing his texts and could always learn them relatively quickly but somehow he had the feeling it would be better to start now. If he was at home he wouldn't have time to do it, and most certainly not when he was back in L.A and (hopefully) ready to move into his new home.

Emma's POV  
Monday came faster than expected and she wouldn't have thought that she would stand in front of her wardrobe and find nothing suitable to put on. She ransacked her whole wardrobe for something fitting. Annoyed, she groaned as she hadn't found anything suitable to wear after the third time of going through her things.

"Don't you find anything fitting for your date?" Elsa asked, standing in the middle of her room suddenly.

"It's not a date," she replied sullenly.

"No?"

"No."

"Then why do you make such a drama out of what you're going to wear?"

"No idea, okay?" Emma turned to her "I guess I just want to look good. But also nothing exaggerated. I don't want to wear anything that's not me, you understand?"

"So something pretty but comfortable?"

"Comfortable?"

"Come on Emma, you're more like the classic, comfortable one. There's nothing wrong with that."

She raised her eyebrows "If you say so."

"Let me have a look,"

Elsa came over to her and looked at some things in her wardrobe "How about this one?"

Her cousin had picked up the white T-shirt-like blouse she'd bought on her last shopping trip, which had been several months ago. Emma had never worn this blouse. Not even once.

"It's cute,"

"I don't know,"

"No, no. Wait." Elsa disappeared for a short time, then returned with Emma's black leather jacket in her hands.

"You just wear it over the blouse and your black jeans."

Elsa took the black jeans that lay on her chair. "Come on, get dressed."

Still unconvinced she took the clothes from Elsa.

"Just trust me. You'll look great." She gave her one of her encouraging smiles and then left her alone in her room. 

Sighing, she took her sweater off and put the blouse on. She stroked over the soft fabric to get rid of some wrinkles. Elsa was right. It was really cute.  
Emma took off her blue jeans and swapped them with her black ones. 

She put on a little natural make-up, a little blush, and decent eye shadow, applied some mascara and dabbed her lips with a bit of shimmering lip balm.  
When she was satisfied, she took her hairbrush and brushed her blond hair again. Then she took a hair band and tied her hair into a ponytail.

After a last look in the mirror, she took her black leather jacket which lay on her bed and went downstairs. In the hall, she slipped into her shoes and took her purse.

"What do you think?" She asked Elsa as she went into the kitchen.

"You look really pretty."

"Honestly?"

"Honestly, Emma. You look great."

"Thank you,"

"Oh, Emma?"

"Yes?"

"You can leave your jacket here. It's not cold today. You won't need it."

"Are you sure? I don't know when I'm back. I really don't want to freeze."

"You're not going to freeze. Trust me."

She put her jacket aside "Okay.."

After a look at the clock, Elsa made a hand movement towards the front door "You have to go, otherwise you'll be late." She said with a smile.

Emma appeared more than punctual at exactly two minutes to half past four, driving into the avenue that would take her to her destination. She parked her new car, a silver Volkswagen EOS, a few meters from the cafe where she would meet Killian.

She had left her yellow bug in her old hometown. She loved this car but it was really old and might not be the best ride around in Beverly Hills. So she had bought this cute, silver EOS not so long ago.

Killian had invited her to a nice cafe outside of the whole stress where they would be undisturbed. The trees of the avenue she'd driven down let only a few sunbeams through. Both on her left and on her right were small fenced meadows, and she wondered how Killian knew this place. Emma took her purse and closed the car door behind her. Only then she let her gaze wander. Everywhere around her were flowers planted, little statues posed and paths laid out.

"Do you like it?"

She turned around, slightly startled. Killian was not far from her in one of the small gravel paths.

She looked up into the trees and blinked against the sunbeams. Only then she nodded "It's really beautiful."

"I was hoping that you'll like it," Killian came closer to her and stopped to hug her.

"It's nice to see you again, Emma, I hope you're fine," He said.

"I'm good."

He went a step or two back "I'm glad to see you. Come on, I'll show you where to go." He nodded to the path he had just been standing.

Smiling, she followed him along the path to their destination. Killian led her to one of the tables by a bed of flowers. It wasn't crowded but they still were not all alone. A few tables away sat an older couple. And even farther away, she could spot two women who were laughing about something. 

"It's really beautiful here,"

He nodded in agreement, "Yes, it certainly is."

She hung her jacket over the back of her chair and then sat down opposite of Killian.

"So," he began, "What would you like to drink? Coffee? Or something else? Maybe one of the hot chocolates you always drank on set? With cinnamon?"

"You really remember that?"

"Of course! You'll be surprised at what I remember."

Emma had to smile "Today I actually really need a coffee."

"A piece of cake too?"

"I don't know, then I'm always so full." She laughed.

"Come on! Now that we are here. Besides, you can get rid of the calories afterward on a nice walk." He joked.

"A walk?"

"Hmm,"

"Is this a promise?"

"Aye, that it is."

"Now you can't get out of the matter, Jones. You've got yourself a deal."

"Why would I want to get out of the matter?"

"Maybe you find me so terrible after our date that you want to get away from me as soon as possible."

"Our date?"

Emma felt the heat rush in her face. 

“Is this a date?” She asked cautiously.

“Do you want it to be?”

She was sure that she got even redder than she already was. And probably because of that, she didn't get a sound out of her mouth. She didn't know if she should be disappointed or happy when Killian changed the subject and let the question of whether this was a date unanswered.

"So, what kind of cake do you want?" He asked after briefly flipping over the menu.  
"I think I'll take a slice of cheesecake."

"You've got to be kidding. I wanted to take cheesecake as well!"

"For real?"

"For real."

She smiled at him.

"Well then," Killian waved a hand for one of the waiters to come to the table.

"Order first,"

"Today, all the gentleman, huh?"

"I'm always a gentleman, Swan."

"Of course you are,"

"What can I get you?" Asked the waiter in a slightly Southern accent.

"I would like a milk coffee and a slice of cheesecake," 

"And I take a coffee black and also a slice of cheesecake,"

"I'll bring it in a few minutes," the waiter said and disappeared, leaving them alone.

Two or three minutes later, the waiter came back with a tray in his hands. After they got their drinks and the cake they were for themselves again.  
"Hopefully the cake tastes good," she said before trying it.

"Hmm." She moaned, "It's really delicious,"

"I agree with you, but it's not as good as the cheesecake my mother always bakes."

"No?"

"No. You should know my mother bakes the absolute best cheesecake in the world. Really delicious with meringue and stuff,"

"Sounds great,"

"Oh, believe me, it is." Killian stopped eating and looked at her. "Sometime you should try it."

"Maybe I will,"

He smiled, "Yes, perhaps."

Emma was really glad that they were undisturbed here and could talk freely without having to be afraid that someone would hear them. 

"So," She began after a sip from her half-empty coffee cup. "Have you already found a house here?"

"No, not yet. But I'm working on it." He smiled lightly.

"At least I think I am. We already discussed some things that would be important to me, things my new home should have and now the broker is looking for something suitable for me."

She nodded "That's good,"

"Did you settle in a bit now?"

"Yes, by now. It was hard in the beginning but I think it was the right decision. Without Elsa, I probably wouldn't have dared this step, and I'm glad that she's here with me."

"I know what you mean. I have to go back home tomorrow morning, take care of the house there before I really buy a new one here."

"Do you sell it?"

"Yes, probably. I mean I will sell it if my ex-wife agrees with that."

She could read it in his face how much he regretted mentioning Milah at all. "I'm sorry. This is probably not a good time to talk about it."

"No, it's okay. For real."

"It's just that I can imagine that she might even cling to this house in some way, and I don't want to sell it without her consent."

"This is really nice of you."

"I do what I can."

Emma took her coffee cup and drank the last sip before placing the cup on the empty plate in front of her.

"And?" He asked, "When does your next movie shooting start?"

"At the moment it is still relatively quiet and I have momentarily only a few photoshoots and interviews but soon it becomes more stressful. And you?"

"Next week I'll start shooting in New Orleans," he said.

"Main role?"

Killian scratched his ear before he nodded again. "Yes,"

"What else," said Emma, laughing.

"Shall we pay?"

"Yes, please."

Again, Killian waved for the waiter to settle the bill. Emma just wanted to get her money out but Killian interrupted her.

"No, no, Swan. Leave that to me."

"But,"

"No buts. Have you forgotten you're my guest? I invited you."

"All right," she said gently, "Thank you,"

"With pleasure."

When they had paid, they got up and Emma took her purse.

"I remember a walk was promised."

He laughed softly. "Of course. As if I would forget something like that."

"I just wanted to make sure,"

Together they went in the direction of the parking area but before, they turned in one of the small pebbles which led on a hiking trail between meadows, flowers, and a little river.  
For a few minutes, they walked silently next to each other as if they were both thinking about what to say.

At the same time, the peace was also incredibly pleasant. She looked at the landscape around her and just enjoy the gentle rush of the wind and the gentle rippling of the river. Then she felt something nudge against her hand and realized that it was his own hand. Was the intention or unwanted? Did he want to hold her hand? Maybe she should take his hand but what if it was unintentional and she would make things incredibly awkward and uncomfortable?

So she let it be and just pretend like she didn't notice. For a few seconds, that went well until he started talking.

"I really enjoy our time together,"

"I do, too, Killian."

"That's good. I'm glad you do too."

"If I wouldn't enjoy it then I certainly would not be walking around here now."

"No?" He asked, grinning.

"No."

Then it was quiet again, but she couldn't help but watch him out of her corner of her eye. Soon she became bolder and even slightly turned her head in his direction.  
From time to time. Not too long and not conspicuous but she did.

And she couldn't avoid blushing deeply as he caught her staring at him. Emma tried to conceal her insecurity with a faint laugh and hoped that he would leave it be.  
His eyes burned into her skin and her cheeks turned a nuance darker than they had already been. What the hell was going on with her?

Emma was pretty sure that her heart skipped a beat as she realized that he took her hand. For a few seconds, she was in a kind of shock before she looked coyly at her hands. A few seconds later she finally grabbed Killian's hand as well.

When she looked at him, for which she needed to be really brave, he smiled. It was one of those smiles that reached his eyes and she knew that he was honestly happy at that moment.

They walked a little further and the only difference to before was that they now held hands. Emma noticed how his thumb stroked again and again over her back of her hand and she couldn't help but think that he was one of those men who made the women they loved incredibly happy.

Slowly the sun set and the still so gentle wind was getting fresher. Goosebumps spread out on her arms.

Killian stopped and let go of her hand. Immediately there was a strange feeling that felt a bit like disappointment but before she could ask what was going on, he took off his leather jacket and held it that the Emma could put it on. 

"That's not necessary," she said, smiling.

"You're cold, Emma. What kind of companion would I be if I let you freeze?"

"Aren't you cold then?"

"Don't worry about it."

She looked at him for a few moments, but only when he gave her a small, encouraging smile she put on his (far too big) jacket. His smell struck her immediately. It was a pleasant, soft scent. He smelled of a mixture of the ocean and rum.

Although she wasn't sure where the rum smell came from. But it didn't matter. The jacket smelled of him and that was all she wanted right now. After she had put on the jacket, he immediately took her hand again and squeezed it soothingly. They walked by the little river for a few more minutes and enjoyed watching the sun set on the horizon.

"Shall we head back? It's getting pretty chilly."

Slowly she nodded "Yes, please,"

Even as they went back to the parking area, he didn't let go of her hand. It felt good, she felt good, no question but something gave her a queasy feeling. She couldn't name it but it was definitely there. 

"So," Killian started when they arrived at her car "Here we are."

He was standing in front of her and his right free hand was playing one of her fingers as if to indicate that he would like to hold that hand as well. So now she was the one who played with his fingers until he held her other hand as well. He glanced down at her hands and smiled again.

"Thank you, Killian."

"What for?"

"I really had a nice afternoon."

"So did I, Emma."

Then they both were quiet again.

"So... what do you say? was it a date, Swan?" He suddenly asked.

Emma swallowed and it took her some time until she finally found her voice "I would say it was a date," she replied hoarsely.

"You wanted it to be one?"

"Yes," she breathed.

"Good,"

"Good?"

"Yes, because I wanted that as well."

He reinforced the pressure of his hands and came a step closer. Her breathing became faster and it felt like her heart beat faster as well.

Killian leaned slightly forward, and only now she realized that his lips were only a few inches from her own. They had done this before. More than once to be honest. But why was she so nervous now? And then he kissed her. His lips were gently on hers, and he loosened the grip of his hands to draw her closer to him. Emma relaxed slowly and gave into the kiss. She enjoyed it.

And then out of nowhere somewhere in her brain shrieked the alarm bells and a thousand thoughts shot through her head. The relaxation was gone and she stiffened visibly. Emma broke away from the kiss and took a step back. 

"Emma?" Killian asked softly.

"I can't do this," When he didn't say anything, she continued, "It's too early for that."

"We can go slow. Much slower. I'm sorry if things went too fast."

"I don't mean that,"

"What do you mean then?"

"It's too early, Killian. I'm not ready. I can't do that." She could feel her walls slowly restoring. She went a step back before she searched for the car key in her purse.  
When she finally found it, she opened the car door and threw her purse inside.

Killian was still standing in front of her as if he didn't quite understand what was happening here. How should he? She didn't even understand it herself.  
"I'm so sorry." She said, looking at him. "Really, I'm so sorry. It's not your fault."

"Me too," he said softly.

She knew that he didn't understand and she could only guess that she'd hurt him. Emma could hardly look at him. Carefully and gently, he pressed his lips against her forehead "Good night, Emma."

He walked a few steps backward, then turned and went to his car, leaving her alone in the cold.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did you notice what Elsa did there..? ;)
> 
> Also, I know it feels like they've done one step forward and two steps back but this super helpful site (it helped me with writing the date because I didn't know where to start) suggested that there needs so be some kind of barrier. Oops.
> 
> Thanks a lot for any kind of support (reviews, favs, follows etc) I really really appreciate it x33 
> 
> I mean seriously. Reading your reviews always make my day :)


End file.
